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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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‎#YORKSHIRE GAG

A Yorkshire farmer went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate. He was constantly chewing.

The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".

"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"

"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.

"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.

"Gold", he said.

"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.

"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
 
Now, no one take offence, I am vertically challenged myself....

i-m-not-short-jpg.16814
 
I thought I'd list the sorts of things I find myself saying as the mother of a 3 and 4 year old with obvious hyperactivity..
"Books are not to chew on."
"Get your feet out of your brothers face."
"We don't walk on people!"
"We don't pick each other up!"
"Get your finger out of your nose."
"Don't spit on your sister."
"No headbutting!"
"We don't fall face first off the couch!"
"Don't climb on the piano!"
 
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,

' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,

'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine,

'Geez, all I can smell is.....



MOL ASSES !


 
I just so love this - I had to share it with you. I think I love it because I can see my H doing some of this stuff.

Don’t Force Your Man to go Shopping with You
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON’T TAKE ME IF I DON’T WANT TO GO………..
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ” Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
And last, but not least …

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Regards,
Walmart
 
KP- LMAO!!! 'Pick me, pick me!' my sister and I used to do a version of this when we were little to our mother where we'd hide in a rack then growl when she got close. Bless her heart, she always acted surprised.
 
Here is a real groaner I heard once as a child :P

The story of the little green man

Once upon a time, there was a little green man, who lived in a little green house, with a little green door.
One day he was in his little green shower washing his little green body when his little green door bell rang.

He put on his little green towel and ran down his little green stairs. He then opened his little green door.

A lady was standing there with leaflets in her hand. She started talking to the little green man. He went to take one of the leaflets and in that moment he let go of his little green towel!!

The woman looked in shock at his little green man parts and screamed. The little green man grabbed the little green towel in shock and embarressment, but it was too late!

The woman ran across the street in shock and got hit by a car.

The moral of the story:-

Never cross the road when the green man is flashing
 
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