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General Living With Ptsd Partner (child Abuse Survivor)

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nicolas

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This is a continuation of the thread with the same title in the "introductions" forum (I can't post links yet)

Been busy with the baby and therapy but I still feel the need to vent on this forum so here we go.

Quick recap: My girlfriend was abused by her brother from the age of 6 to 12. Every night he came into her room and did nasty stuff to her. Not just sexually but also very degrading psychologically. He also let his friends physically abuse her on some sort of power trip. 10 years later he fessed up to his partner and my gf forgave him. Said it was because he was bullied and acted it out on her. They also had a very dominant and aggressive father and a manipulative mother which messed them both up pretty badly. The following years she demonstrated all symptoms of PTSD: drug and alcohol abuse, migraines, epilepsy, nightmares, flashbacks, aggressive behaviour, massive guilt complex, eating disorders, etc. Every time she went off the deep end he offered to pay for her medical bills. Worst part is he's a comedian who makes incest jokes on stage. Very tasteful. Anyway she forgave him, did a lot of self therapy and he apologised several times so everything was sort of OK, except for her personal demons but she was able to function.

Fast forward 3 years ago. It is now more than 20 years after the facts and we start dating. Her brother and I are still good friends at this point. I know nothing. Of course he panicks because contrary to previous boyfriends who were out of his social circle, now the chance exists that his dirty little secret might enter his own world. So he demands her not to tell me for it might "damage his career", which of course hurt her a lot that he put his career before the well-being of his sister. After more high-school drama from his friends concerning our fresh relationship (mutual friends etc) and several seizures and nightmares over the course of more than a year, she finally tells me what her brother did to her. I understand it's been close to 25 years ago and none of my business but feel it's pretty shitty for him to treat her like this now, fuelling gossiping and spreading or at least not interfering with rumours that his sister is crazy. Of course this is all part of his plan to discredit her in case the truth might come out.

Well after months of trying to reach out to him he finally agrees to a meeting where she tells him that she told me. He completely flips out and threatens to destroy her which literally sends her into a state of shock so bad, her doctor sent her to a neuropsychiatrist because they feared she had brain damage from the incident. She sat against the wall staring at me for over 15 minutes without any response, no matter how hard I slapped her in the face. Pretty scary. Looked like a lobotomised zombie. The next day he comes around to talk it out and while we were hoping for some sort of reconciliation, he instead delivers a one hour speech about how he found out his sister has borderline disorder which explains everything. Sounded like he memorized the Wikipedia article.

Afterwards she sent him a long e-mail explaining everything she was dealing with because he would refuse to meet up or even answer the phone. Ranging from the abuse to his own behaviour such as cheating on his wife and falling in love with his best friend's wife at some point (yup). All meant in private between the two of them of course but Einstein over here let his wife read the e-mail which obviously caused immense tension in their marriage. But of course again it was all my girlfriend's fault, never his.

After that all communication virtually ceased and around the same time she became pregnant. He didn't get in touch even once which caused her great pain and pregnancy complications from stress. She suffered multiple bleeding's and one time she was with her mom when he called on the phone so she grabbed the phone to tell him to talk to her if he wants to inquire (because he always did ask his mom about her) and he told her to f!ck off. While she was 6 months pregnant. All this stress even caused a growth stop in our baby and she was at risk of a premature birth at 6 months. Luckily the baby started to grow again after a week in the hospital and she was able to complete the remainder of her pregnancy and our little daughter is now a 10 month old bundle of crazy energy.
Of course he didn't visit us in the hospital and to make matters worse he got married the next month for which we were not invited (his only sister). As an excuse he told his friends that we tried to ruin his marriage by spreading these ugly rumours about him. Which they all believe so now I've also lost all my common friends.

Over the following months her mother unwillingly acted as some sort of communication relay between the two of them, him telling their mom that she hurt him immensely and "maybe in a year of 4" he might want to talk to her again and her desperately trying to explain the impact of year long sexual abuse to her mom who's obviously as insane as her son because time and time again she keeps minimalising the facts and repeating her not to tell anyone and basically just drop it. We also started to see a therapist in the meantime, not only for her but also for our relationship because we were constantly fighting and arguing over the smallest things, caused by stress, anger and grief obviously. Finally after more than a year of non-communication she decides to send him another letter because there is so much she wants to get off her chest while he refuses any sort of contact. He even tells his mom in advance that she has to "stop sending letters and cause stress in his family", while she sent two letters in a year and a half, to which he didn't reply. Some hatemail campaign. Much to our surprise he replies after a week in a very cold, business-like and superior tone, telling her that it's better that they sever all ties because they both hurt each other equally and that she should never have - and here it comes - FALSELY accused him of abuse. While only the year before he scolded her for telling me. With me present. The funny part is that in the same breath he says that his promises for financial aid comes from a time when they were still good friends which is now no longer valid because of the aforementioned false accusations. OK smartass then why did you offer the compensation in the first place?

Ok this turned out longer than a recap. Hopefully anybody made it this far. To come to a conclusion I've done a lot of reading and youtube watching (i.e. sound scientific research) and am more and more convinced that this guy is a narcissistic psychopath. He fits the picture perfectly while she is the classic case of a severe PTSD sufferer. It's almost textbook. Which is also what our therapist told us. There is even a logic in her succession of relationships which I found totally baffling. Anyway thanks for reading and if anybody has or is going through a similar situation then I'd love to hear how you are dealing with it.

Thanks.
 
Sounds like my family. I'm really sorry. I have no contact with my biological family because they make me crazy--much like her family does for your girlfriend. She has some hard choices to make. I'm really sorry for both of you.
 
I know, that's what I and her therapist keep telling her but she's very attached to her family strangely enough and her mom is very possessive and manipulative. If she doesn't answer the phone right away she'll keep on calling us ad nauseam only to ask her what she did and ate that day.

Her therapist has even advised her to sue her brother for financial and psychological damage since she hasn't been able to work at 100% (she's a painter) since 2010, but IMO that will only cause greater stress. Even though I also crave for justice, if not revenge.
 
All I can tell you is, stay away from such people. Sociopaths you stay away from.

Why would you want someone like that to invite you to their wedding? Or come over? Or even talk to? Sociopaths you can not talk to, you can not make sense of things by communicating with them, you can not "convert" them into "normal people". You can not make them understand, or anything else for that matter. Sociopaths put themselves first, then themselves, and then themselves.

For the sake of your partner and your own and that of your daughter, please stay away, for good. There is no "shades of grey"-way to deal with sociopaths in your life. The response to them has to be black-and-white. Make sure you don't get into it more than you have, and especially for the sake of your little daughter. Sociopaths, in my experience, are like cancer-cells, they eat you up if you allow them to. Unfortunately, you "allow" them to by just being in the same room.

I'm sorry for being so direct. IMO, there is only black-and-white with regard to sociopaths, as said.

Best wishes.
 
she's very attached to her family strangely enough

I was attached, too. For 36 years. Today, after what I have experienced and learned growing up and choosing sociopaths for partners, I would still get back into the cycle of abuse with them very quickly, if I let them in. I think, at least in my case, it's because of what they do to my brain. The "messing me up", "messing with my brain", makes my brain work at what it has been used to for so many years. It acutally provides me with the "drug" it's been used to, the abuse causing my brain to function at high velocity and effectiveness problem-solving, surviving, which, sadly, provides for a great feeling of contentment and "I can do this". In a way, in my case, I find it to be an addiction, sociopaths giving my brain what it needs to do what it is best at. I am at best, also feeling well, when I am right in the middle of the storm.

Don't get me wrong, please. I hate this! As soon as the "peak of horror" is over, I fall into the PTSD abyss. I then realize what has been done to me (once again) and now I also know why that has happened and I can see my share. Learning to get away from that addiction is very difficult, but possible, and, no doubt about it: WORTH IT!

JMHO: Get rid of that drug, and make sure your daughter grows up learning to let the good people in because you've kept bad people out.
 
Unfortunately it's not that easy to get away from him as we live in the same city and his face is virtually everywhere: on tv, on billboards, we (used to) have lots of common friends so we are constantly reminded of him. And I don't want to move away just to give him what he wants and deprive my parents of seeing their only granddaughter. If anything HE needs to move away and crawl into a dark filthy hole. He desperately tries to avoid any confrontation because he knows his sister will annihilate him verbally. Instead he regurgitates the same nonsense how she hurt him and they're better off leaving each other alone, to his mommy and his friends.

What enrages me even more is that this little chubby egomaniac has power over my family while I am very well capable of inflicting great physical harm. I'm twice his size and a 10+ year martial artist. I know revenge is an ugly emotion but I refuse to let him get the best of us.

Anyway last night my girlfriend got it really bad after reading his letter and became completely numb to the point where I had to take a knife away from her or she was going to harm herself. Luckily I managed to talk her out of it and tonight she has another appointment with her therapist, long overdue.
 
Your girlfriend is going to have to come to the conclusion on her own to separate from her family, and unfortunately, until then, you're along for the ride.

I know what it's like to be attached to family. It's HARD to break away. And that's an understatement!

Maybe she's a bit like me. I was always looking for my mothers love. Sadly, I never found it. One controlling manipulative move too many, and I knew I had to end the relationship for my own sanity. It's only been two weeks now, but I know I'm on the right path.

I also want to add that I think this may be a case where forgiveness backfires in the sense that her brother was never sorry and continued to emotionally abuse his sister. (And I'm guessing its not the sort of forgiveness where your girlfriend has let things go as clearly she hasn't.)

I am a sufferer so I hope I'm not stepping on any toes.

It's kind of like this. You want to fight back but in the end you never get "justice" and you never really "win" because the rules of the game are constantly changing and there is no logic.

A therapist once told me that I'd never heal while in contact with my abusers. She was right.
 
I know, I've been telling her that for ages but it's very hard. The thing is as long as the conversation is not about her brother, then she has a good relationship with her mother. They can talk for hours. But as soon as the conversation turns, her mom starts spouting ignorant nonsense. But at least she has agreed to pay our therapist a visit since she doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of psychological trauma.

The thing is that he's financially maintaining a LOT of people around him, including their mother. So there are a lot of people who have something to lose by the truth coming out, and will do no matter what to silence his sister. The thing that keeps us up and fighting is that I know he'll self destruct in the end because karma is a b!tch.
 
cliff notes for those who didn't read the whole thread: girlfriend was abused by older brother from the age of 6-12, he denies it now and told his friends that his sis is crazy effectively kicking my gf in a self destructive depression for the past 2 years.

Little update: we still haven't heard from him of course but he did release a videoclip from his terrible band where he sings about how he's going to break free from "these terrible lies". At first I couldn't believe it was about us but he actually told his mother that the lyrics are inspired by his sister! Wow... not only did he shamelessly steal lyrics from Nine Inch Nails, but he's distanced himself so far from the facts that after denying that the abuse ever happened, he's now even found the courage to write a song where he accuses his sister of harming him. You'd think this is some sort of bad soap opera.

On top of that he's not only destroyed his relationship with his sister, while his mother is only clinging on for mostly financial reasons, but it has also come to our attention that his own daughter refuses to go back home after sleeping at her grandmother and is sick of her daddy being mad at her and her parents leaving her alone all the time. This is coming from a 5 year old girl. This guy is truely destroying everybody around him out of selfish rage. He's setting up his own daughter for a lifetime of (self) loathing and destruction, just as he did with his sister. I wish I could get some satisfaction out of this if I wouldn't feel bad for my girlfriend's niece, who she hasn't seen in over 3 years because of her asshole brother.
 
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