This is a continuation of the thread with the same title in the "introductions" forum (I can't post links yet)
Been busy with the baby and therapy but I still feel the need to vent on this forum so here we go.
Quick recap: My girlfriend was abused by her brother from the age of 6 to 12. Every night he came into her room and did nasty stuff to her. Not just sexually but also very degrading psychologically. He also let his friends physically abuse her on some sort of power trip. 10 years later he fessed up to his partner and my gf forgave him. Said it was because he was bullied and acted it out on her. They also had a very dominant and aggressive father and a manipulative mother which messed them both up pretty badly. The following years she demonstrated all symptoms of PTSD: drug and alcohol abuse, migraines, epilepsy, nightmares, flashbacks, aggressive behaviour, massive guilt complex, eating disorders, etc. Every time she went off the deep end he offered to pay for her medical bills. Worst part is he's a comedian who makes incest jokes on stage. Very tasteful. Anyway she forgave him, did a lot of self therapy and he apologised several times so everything was sort of OK, except for her personal demons but she was able to function.
Fast forward 3 years ago. It is now more than 20 years after the facts and we start dating. Her brother and I are still good friends at this point. I know nothing. Of course he panicks because contrary to previous boyfriends who were out of his social circle, now the chance exists that his dirty little secret might enter his own world. So he demands her not to tell me for it might "damage his career", which of course hurt her a lot that he put his career before the well-being of his sister. After more high-school drama from his friends concerning our fresh relationship (mutual friends etc) and several seizures and nightmares over the course of more than a year, she finally tells me what her brother did to her. I understand it's been close to 25 years ago and none of my business but feel it's pretty shitty for him to treat her like this now, fuelling gossiping and spreading or at least not interfering with rumours that his sister is crazy. Of course this is all part of his plan to discredit her in case the truth might come out.
Well after months of trying to reach out to him he finally agrees to a meeting where she tells him that she told me. He completely flips out and threatens to destroy her which literally sends her into a state of shock so bad, her doctor sent her to a neuropsychiatrist because they feared she had brain damage from the incident. She sat against the wall staring at me for over 15 minutes without any response, no matter how hard I slapped her in the face. Pretty scary. Looked like a lobotomised zombie. The next day he comes around to talk it out and while we were hoping for some sort of reconciliation, he instead delivers a one hour speech about how he found out his sister has borderline disorder which explains everything. Sounded like he memorized the Wikipedia article.
Afterwards she sent him a long e-mail explaining everything she was dealing with because he would refuse to meet up or even answer the phone. Ranging from the abuse to his own behaviour such as cheating on his wife and falling in love with his best friend's wife at some point (yup). All meant in private between the two of them of course but Einstein over here let his wife read the e-mail which obviously caused immense tension in their marriage. But of course again it was all my girlfriend's fault, never his.
After that all communication virtually ceased and around the same time she became pregnant. He didn't get in touch even once which caused her great pain and pregnancy complications from stress. She suffered multiple bleeding's and one time she was with her mom when he called on the phone so she grabbed the phone to tell him to talk to her if he wants to inquire (because he always did ask his mom about her) and he told her to f!ck off. While she was 6 months pregnant. All this stress even caused a growth stop in our baby and she was at risk of a premature birth at 6 months. Luckily the baby started to grow again after a week in the hospital and she was able to complete the remainder of her pregnancy and our little daughter is now a 10 month old bundle of crazy energy.
Of course he didn't visit us in the hospital and to make matters worse he got married the next month for which we were not invited (his only sister). As an excuse he told his friends that we tried to ruin his marriage by spreading these ugly rumours about him. Which they all believe so now I've also lost all my common friends.
Over the following months her mother unwillingly acted as some sort of communication relay between the two of them, him telling their mom that she hurt him immensely and "maybe in a year of 4" he might want to talk to her again and her desperately trying to explain the impact of year long sexual abuse to her mom who's obviously as insane as her son because time and time again she keeps minimalising the facts and repeating her not to tell anyone and basically just drop it. We also started to see a therapist in the meantime, not only for her but also for our relationship because we were constantly fighting and arguing over the smallest things, caused by stress, anger and grief obviously. Finally after more than a year of non-communication she decides to send him another letter because there is so much she wants to get off her chest while he refuses any sort of contact. He even tells his mom in advance that she has to "stop sending letters and cause stress in his family", while she sent two letters in a year and a half, to which he didn't reply. Some hatemail campaign. Much to our surprise he replies after a week in a very cold, business-like and superior tone, telling her that it's better that they sever all ties because they both hurt each other equally and that she should never have - and here it comes - FALSELY accused him of abuse. While only the year before he scolded her for telling me. With me present. The funny part is that in the same breath he says that his promises for financial aid comes from a time when they were still good friends which is now no longer valid because of the aforementioned false accusations. OK smartass then why did you offer the compensation in the first place?
Ok this turned out longer than a recap. Hopefully anybody made it this far. To come to a conclusion I've done a lot of reading and youtube watching (i.e. sound scientific research) and am more and more convinced that this guy is a narcissistic psychopath. He fits the picture perfectly while she is the classic case of a severe PTSD sufferer. It's almost textbook. Which is also what our therapist told us. There is even a logic in her succession of relationships which I found totally baffling. Anyway thanks for reading and if anybody has or is going through a similar situation then I'd love to hear how you are dealing with it.
Thanks.
Been busy with the baby and therapy but I still feel the need to vent on this forum so here we go.
Quick recap: My girlfriend was abused by her brother from the age of 6 to 12. Every night he came into her room and did nasty stuff to her. Not just sexually but also very degrading psychologically. He also let his friends physically abuse her on some sort of power trip. 10 years later he fessed up to his partner and my gf forgave him. Said it was because he was bullied and acted it out on her. They also had a very dominant and aggressive father and a manipulative mother which messed them both up pretty badly. The following years she demonstrated all symptoms of PTSD: drug and alcohol abuse, migraines, epilepsy, nightmares, flashbacks, aggressive behaviour, massive guilt complex, eating disorders, etc. Every time she went off the deep end he offered to pay for her medical bills. Worst part is he's a comedian who makes incest jokes on stage. Very tasteful. Anyway she forgave him, did a lot of self therapy and he apologised several times so everything was sort of OK, except for her personal demons but she was able to function.
Fast forward 3 years ago. It is now more than 20 years after the facts and we start dating. Her brother and I are still good friends at this point. I know nothing. Of course he panicks because contrary to previous boyfriends who were out of his social circle, now the chance exists that his dirty little secret might enter his own world. So he demands her not to tell me for it might "damage his career", which of course hurt her a lot that he put his career before the well-being of his sister. After more high-school drama from his friends concerning our fresh relationship (mutual friends etc) and several seizures and nightmares over the course of more than a year, she finally tells me what her brother did to her. I understand it's been close to 25 years ago and none of my business but feel it's pretty shitty for him to treat her like this now, fuelling gossiping and spreading or at least not interfering with rumours that his sister is crazy. Of course this is all part of his plan to discredit her in case the truth might come out.
Well after months of trying to reach out to him he finally agrees to a meeting where she tells him that she told me. He completely flips out and threatens to destroy her which literally sends her into a state of shock so bad, her doctor sent her to a neuropsychiatrist because they feared she had brain damage from the incident. She sat against the wall staring at me for over 15 minutes without any response, no matter how hard I slapped her in the face. Pretty scary. Looked like a lobotomised zombie. The next day he comes around to talk it out and while we were hoping for some sort of reconciliation, he instead delivers a one hour speech about how he found out his sister has borderline disorder which explains everything. Sounded like he memorized the Wikipedia article.
Afterwards she sent him a long e-mail explaining everything she was dealing with because he would refuse to meet up or even answer the phone. Ranging from the abuse to his own behaviour such as cheating on his wife and falling in love with his best friend's wife at some point (yup). All meant in private between the two of them of course but Einstein over here let his wife read the e-mail which obviously caused immense tension in their marriage. But of course again it was all my girlfriend's fault, never his.
After that all communication virtually ceased and around the same time she became pregnant. He didn't get in touch even once which caused her great pain and pregnancy complications from stress. She suffered multiple bleeding's and one time she was with her mom when he called on the phone so she grabbed the phone to tell him to talk to her if he wants to inquire (because he always did ask his mom about her) and he told her to f!ck off. While she was 6 months pregnant. All this stress even caused a growth stop in our baby and she was at risk of a premature birth at 6 months. Luckily the baby started to grow again after a week in the hospital and she was able to complete the remainder of her pregnancy and our little daughter is now a 10 month old bundle of crazy energy.
Of course he didn't visit us in the hospital and to make matters worse he got married the next month for which we were not invited (his only sister). As an excuse he told his friends that we tried to ruin his marriage by spreading these ugly rumours about him. Which they all believe so now I've also lost all my common friends.
Over the following months her mother unwillingly acted as some sort of communication relay between the two of them, him telling their mom that she hurt him immensely and "maybe in a year of 4" he might want to talk to her again and her desperately trying to explain the impact of year long sexual abuse to her mom who's obviously as insane as her son because time and time again she keeps minimalising the facts and repeating her not to tell anyone and basically just drop it. We also started to see a therapist in the meantime, not only for her but also for our relationship because we were constantly fighting and arguing over the smallest things, caused by stress, anger and grief obviously. Finally after more than a year of non-communication she decides to send him another letter because there is so much she wants to get off her chest while he refuses any sort of contact. He even tells his mom in advance that she has to "stop sending letters and cause stress in his family", while she sent two letters in a year and a half, to which he didn't reply. Some hatemail campaign. Much to our surprise he replies after a week in a very cold, business-like and superior tone, telling her that it's better that they sever all ties because they both hurt each other equally and that she should never have - and here it comes - FALSELY accused him of abuse. While only the year before he scolded her for telling me. With me present. The funny part is that in the same breath he says that his promises for financial aid comes from a time when they were still good friends which is now no longer valid because of the aforementioned false accusations. OK smartass then why did you offer the compensation in the first place?
Ok this turned out longer than a recap. Hopefully anybody made it this far. To come to a conclusion I've done a lot of reading and youtube watching (i.e. sound scientific research) and am more and more convinced that this guy is a narcissistic psychopath. He fits the picture perfectly while she is the classic case of a severe PTSD sufferer. It's almost textbook. Which is also what our therapist told us. There is even a logic in her succession of relationships which I found totally baffling. Anyway thanks for reading and if anybody has or is going through a similar situation then I'd love to hear how you are dealing with it.
Thanks.