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Lonely

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I'm just really lonely these days.

I've cut so many people out of my life in the past few years that I have no one left. I'm so afraid of being hurt again (in the way that caused my trauma) or if I care about someone I am so afraid of being abandoned by them that I break ties with people for the smallest reasons before they can hurt me or leave me. Other times I've been in such deep depression that I just didn't have the energy to maintain relationships with people, basically only leaving my house for therapist appointments and friends just faded away.

I'm only 17, a senior in high school-I should be out having a great time but I've been in the thick of my PTSD, BPD mess since the July before my freshman year began when I was raped. Then, in December of 2013 (my sophomore year) there was a shooting at my high school. After that, I was able to make it through the last semester but switched to going to school online for my junior year. I just graduated early and so I'm totally done with school while 99% of my old friends are still there.

I miss having people to go to concerts with or just to hang out with. I've missed out on so much because I have no one do things with, except for my best friend but our schedules don't line up very often.

I was making some friends at my last job but I had to leave due to having panic attacks during almost every shift I worked and still don't have the emotional stability to go back to work yet. Even if I did, everyone my age that I knew is gone. I'm a pretty friendly person and I make friends pretty easily, it's just keeping them around that I have struggled with in the past.

I just feel completely at a loss and totally alone. I'm still in a really bad place but I am to the point where I have the desire again to have friends. I don't know where to go to meet new people at this point though. I'm not religious so youth group is just really awkward for me-plus I don't want to pretend to believe in something that i don't just because I want friends. That's really the only viable suggestion that I've read online.

I don't need a ton of friends (I was really popular when I started high school and that was too superficial and not worth the bother) just some people I can chill with and maybe go to a few concerts with from time to time. I'm just tired of being alone.
 
I wish you weren't going through this hard time in your life. Is there anything you like to do or try? Sometimes when you have an interest or you lwould like to try something new you go to the places that interest you and meet people that share the same interest. It can be a bookstore bowling alley rock climbing club horseback riding anything that can give you some joy. You may be amazed at how our friendships can start just by sharing an interest. And be proud of yourself for wanting to take that step
 
I'm not so much lonely as bored, but I have to accept that this is my choice. If I'm too cowardly to go out, then I'm not going to see anything or anyone new. It's me who needs to change, and until I do, I can't expect anything different
 
It really is amazing how much PTSD can change the social life of a sufferer. I'm struggling with that right now myself, as I simply can't do a lot of things I was happily doing just 6 months ago. I'm a member of a running group on Meetup.com that is really great. Maybe you can find a group on there that does things that you like to do. I've always found everyone really nice and welcoming to new people. I hope you find something that works for you! You deserve to live life to the fullest.
 
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