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General Long Distance Isolation - Really Anxious, Help.

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MountainGoat

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So I have been dating a girl over the internet I've known since two years ago, we started dating this December. It didn't take long for me to notice her tendency towards distance and her uncomfortable silence. We have become very close and correspond regularly, it is almost obsessive the degree to which we rely on each other, sometimes we spend entire days just talking. I realize this isn't healthy but it's the only way I've ever been in relationships and she seemed to feel the same way. I am very very needy sometimes and constantly ask her if I am doing something wrong or if I am bothering her and constantly assure her that if she thinks something is wrong she should just tell me.

After a while she revealed that she had been sexually abused by her father when she was young, at the time I didn't know how to respond so I would pry at her to talk to me when she is feeling upset or has any problems and frequently ask if she is ok. I would beg her to open up to me often, and said I really wish I could fix her problems (now I know that was an awful thing to say). it took about two or three weeks before I tried researching sexual abuse and PTSD online. afterwards I changed my behavior, I never mention it anymore and when she feels upset I offer my attention but find that changing the subject or just being quiet and respectful results in her feeling more cheerful or lightening her mood. recently I have been forgetting more and more that she suffers from PTSD and don't concern myself with trying in vain to solve her problems. I hoped I would make things easier on her this way.

I have anxiety issues and find myself really attached to her, sometimes I wonder if she cares about me or ask her if I do anything to bug her, I make sure she knows that I am just really insecure and it's me and not her but I can't help feeling like I am the worst person in the world for her to be with. I constantly feel terrible for not knowing how to respond to her feelings of worthlessness, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and lack of empathy. When we talk, we smother each other with 'I love you's and 'you mean more to me than anything's. I wish I could be less insecure and needy of her but sometimes I just get overwhelmed with self-doubt and fears of losing her. I dwell on the concepts of losing her constantly, I have frequent nightmares involving losing her, and have extremely violent tantrums of anxiety alone when she needs space.

I feel like losing her would be a huge blow to my self-confidence and result in withdrawal from work & family. I also worry that this wasn't meant to be, I get really upset to the point of hysteria when I feel that she might leave me and I worry that this is too much for her to handle, I don't know how she internalizes my neediness but she always assures me that 'It's OK I love you' or 'I would never leave you for your neediness'.

We made plans for her to fly from Canada all the way to California to see me when we got together in December, and things are still pretty concrete that we will be seeing each other but our plans are changing quite a bit almost all the time. the trip is supposed to happen in July but recently she injured her ankle and will probably not be able to travel until august. Things constantly fall through for us, we are trying to secure an apartment for us to live in, her school visa, her passport, more money, more time to spend on skype with one another. We both feel very stressed from all the logistics, and feel assaulted with the absurdness of a Canadian girl and an American boy moving in together and going to school. I am worried that I am only stressing her out but she insists that without these plans that we've made she would feel hopeless about her future alone in canada after she finishes school.

Tonight I called her and she declined, saying she was 'losing her f*cking mind' worried I insisted she talk to me, when she spoke with me she told me she felt like she just started crying for no reason and has no idea how to explain it to me, quickly I assured her that it's ok, I don't need her to explain it and that I am here to offer her comfort not interrogate her. She became calm and asked me to talk about anything, I tried to console her slightly and start talking to her and trying to be calm with her, but I came across as too nonchalant and she became very quiet. I am certain she feels disconnected from me right now, I just asked her to tell me if she needed her space and she would not reply, after a minute or so of silence her mic was muted, I repeated her name several times and waited for a couple more minutes before hanging up, writing her a message, and proceeding to go to my room and freak the f*ck out all over the place.

Writing all this out has made me a lot more calm and hopefully now someone with a little more experience with PTSD can offer me some advice. I am very nervous and fear that I am kryptonie to her when she is having symptoms of PTSD. How can I make her feel more comfortable with me?
 
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Going from internet friends to living together is clearly missing a step in between. You've met how many times? How old are you both? Are either of you in treatment for whatever your issues are? I can see your anxiety by what you have written, and if she is a PTSD person, she might feel smothered by your anxieties as well as her own.

Slow down and take a deep breath. You both should finish your schooling separate from each other, get help for your own issues, and mature. That is a lot of change for her (and for you), moving to a different country, a different school, with someone she has not seen in person very often. I see many red flags here, and you need to be more secure about yourself before you can delve into a future with someone else. That will require working on yourself, by yourself, and for yourself. Same to her. If it is meant to be, it will happen. In between, if she needs her space, you have to respect that need. And as the saying goes, she may not be that into you, or she may not be able to cope in any relationship right now.
 
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