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General Long Distance Support

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Roxy1612

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I met J 18 months ago while playing an online game, we started chatting and immediately hit it off. He told me about his PTSD, depression and anxiety in the beginning of the relationship he also told me the details of what happened to him while serving. He has never told anyone else and has always been brutally honest with me.

I had my own issues, I was molested as a child, suffered from depression and I was married to a drug and porn addict whom I have threatened to leave but never did because I was afraid no one would ever love me again. J was supportive and having someone to talk to finally gave me the strength to file for divorce. (now I think having someone new ‘to fix’ is what did it)

J pursued me and it wasn’t long after that, that he told me that he loved me (and that he knew I loved him) we talked about what it would be like when we were living together and he wanted to move to my country immediately, I asked that we give it time because I didn’t want to rush into it.

J has moved away from his family about a year ago and is living on his own with his emotional support dog. He worked as a volunteer but was declared unfit for work in August this year. He doesn’t leave his flat. I have been encouraging him to go to therapy but he hasn’t been going. He stays home all day and play games on his pc. He sleeps a lot but have nightmares so he is always tired. Currently I’m the only person he talks to.

A few months into our relationship we had a disagreement and it was the first time he isolated from me. I have since learned that whenever there is the slightest conflict between us he would isolate and only talk to me again days later. By then I would be a complete wreck. He would contact me out of the blue and talk about the mundane stuff like nothing happened and we wouldn’t talk about the ‘issues’ so we never actually resolve it.

Last time he isolated he said he cannot give me what I need, he cannot love me like I deserve to be loved because he is emotionally numb. When I asked how he can say that he loves me at all if he can’t feel it he explained that it’s because he misses me and thinks about me and what I’m doing and that’s how he knows. I felt that I was expecting too much from him and have learned to just expect less and less but I feel like I’m gabling everything on this relationship with someone who doesn’t care about me. My heart melts every time I talk to him, he is kind and sweet to me and has told me that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and that I’m the reason he keeps going. He says he loves me but he doesn’t show it. I don’t know if this is part of his PTSD, if he is just lazy, if he doesn’t think about stuff like that or if he really doesn’t care and doesn’t want to tell me. I can’t talk to him about it because it sends him into a spiral of how he doesn’t deserve and then he isolates. He has promised me that if he ever feels he doesn't want me anymore he would be honest about it and I think that's what keeps me going back?

I feel like I can’t leave him because my world will fall apart without him and because I know that I’m the only person he talks to. I’m the only one who checks in on him to make sure he is ok. Although he would never tell me if he is going through a tough time because he doesn’t want me to worry at least he gets to talk to someone.

I’m sorry I know I’m rambling I just don’t know what to do. This is not the first time I have written this post but I always get to this point and read it back and decide I’m over reacting. I need someone to shake me by my shoulders and tell me he doesn’t love me and I need to snap out of it, or to tell me that it will get better if I just hang in there. I’m not strong enough to walk away just the idea breaks my heart but he doesn’t give me the support I need and I don’t know if being in a long distance relationship is helping him or making it worse.
 
Until / Unless you've met and been together in person? You're both more in love with the idea of the other person, than the person themselves. Can falling for the idea of the other person change into loving the actual person? Sure. Happens all the time. Both modernly & in penpal loves from long ago. More often, though, once people meet in real life? The reality shatters the fantasy.

It doesn't mean the feelings aren't real, the human heart is a wonderous thing. But so is the mind. Who we imagine someone to be, and who they really are, are often worlds apart.
 
it's only been since june. we're still together, it's working....but i'm having a hard time knowing how to deal with the reality. as of now he is in school, either studying or training in the gym and talks little. i don't sleep well right now because i have a sleeping disorder and that causes problems for me, so i'm seeking treatment to address that and i've also reached out for mental health resources for myself.
 
I would hate it if someone was with me because they loved the idea of me, the fantasy of me, and stayed because they thought they had to stay for my sake. It would feel really bad if someone stayed because their whole world would fall apart if we broke up.

You have described very co-dependent types of relating to each other on both sides of this relationship. Co-dependency rarely builds healthy relationships and usually enables dysfunction and for people to stay stuck.

Instead of rushing into another relationship right off the bat after going through the divorce, it might be better for you both if you spent some time working on your stuff. Everyone has stuff. Yours might be that you still desperately are need someone to rescue, to fix. Sometimes people get into relationship after relationship with someone else with severe problems, when they are running from problems of their own.
 
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I'm in love with a fantasy and I'm trying desperately to make this work although I know in my heart that it never will.
I realize it's because if I don't have his stuff to deal with I would have to deal with my own and I don't know if I can.
I don't know how to fix myself.
 
I have written almost the same things.
I don't know how to fix myself.
You don't need to be "fixed."

Many people run from therapy for PTSD for exactly the same reason you have been running from your stuff. They don't know if they can face their stuff. Yet this forum is filled with people, both sufferer and supporter, who didn't think they could deal with their own stuff, and did, and are getting through it.

You may not know how right now, and you may need help and support along the way. Everyone needs that from time to time.

You have shown a good ability to reach out for support and outside input here. Sure, it was about someone else, but it was also for you. You also have a lot of good self awareness and more courage than you realize. I hope you keep reaching out. Maybe begin to apply some of the same skills and compassion you have to care for others towards yourself.

And I can relate to how much easier it is to try to help someone else instead. :hug:
 
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