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Longing For Intimacy, and Feeling Terribly Abandoned

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by FeelingAlone, Jan 1, 2007.

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  1. FeelingAlone

    FeelingAlone New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    New forum member. I see most people here are wives…. I’m actually a fiancé/future husband; the woman I love has PTSD. Maybe some of our experiences are still the same, though.

    Just writing because I’m really suffering, and could use a community.

    We’ve been dating for two and a half years (she learned she had PTSD and the symptoms started coming up about a year in), and moved in together last summer. The last 4 or 5 months have just crushed me. The flashbacks trickled to a near stop about half a year back, but she has nightmares every night – every night – and she has been under a lot of stress, and she just shut herself away. I think she was emotionally connected with me maybe one week out of nine or ten. Our sex life has been dead or all but dead for a long time. Around Christmas, she committed to being with me emotionally, and to trying to flirt a little. We’ve worked out that I’ll give her space in the mornings (after her nightmares), and she’ll make an effort to be there with me in the evening. She’s there more, laughing again, but I still feel so terribly alone. There isn’t as much giving as there once was, not very much flirting, and I feel as though I’ve put away so many parts of myself, parts I want to explore more, these last months. I’m so tired. I love her, but a lot of the time I feel either miserable around her or numb inside. I’m in my mid-twenties, and I need some passion in our relationship, both romantic and sexual. I need to be wanted, lusted after. I want her to not be able to keep her hands off me. I want her to kiss me passionately. I want her to look at me and say, “I can’t right now, but later, it’s going to be wonderful.” I want her to just show signs of desire. I know that I need patience, but it’s been so long, and I feel so, so tired.

    I’m sorry, everyone; I’m sure this post sounds like a long whining. I just want to cry. I think about leaving her a lot, but I don’t. This is the loneliest I’ve ever been. She told me recently that, with her nightmares every night, she’s terrified to flirt or show any sign of desire for me (even when she does feel desire) because she’s afraid that she’ll trigger me and I’ll rape her. I would never hurt her. She dreams horrible dreams every night. And I long to touch her and for her to touch me, and to share more of herself with me – consistently! I just don’t know what to feel more, I feel so beat up inside.

    I know that she is just over a year into her healing and has a long way to go.

    I don’t know how to wait. I want to, but haven’t worked out how, yet. I’ve been waiting. I’m either angry or just a mass of longing. And I keep remembering our first year together, which was so passionate. I know that’s the past; the present is unbearable. How do I learn how to wait? I want to enjoy being young. I want to enjoy being young with her.

    And I’m so hurt inside, and feel so left. The anger in me must be that I’ve given her myself without holding back, and I feel so betrayed. I know that the PTSD is the source of the hurt, and it isn’t her doing. I’m just so tired. So much of me wants to leave, and so much of me wants to stay, and I love her, and I don’t know how to keep waiting.

    Write to me and share experiences, give advice, or just say hi. I’m a solitary person by nature, but I’ve never felt so unmanned and alone as this.

    Dan
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Welcome Dan, glad you joined. Mate, don't worry, there are plenty of spouses here, male and female, and it doesn't really matter, as a spouse is a spouse, like a sufferer a sufferer, and its all the same at the end of the day, genetics have little to do with it, trust me.

    Dan, your going to learn here certain things about being the spouse of a sufferer that is running around with uncontrolled PTSD, being non-healed, and let me just say, nothing you say above surprises me, and I personally think you might have even sugar coated it a bit. Don't worry mate, we all know the implications of uncontrolled PTSD, and there is plenty of spousal support here.

    Look forward to chatting more with you.
     
  4. hannah

    hannah Active Member

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    oh dan, bless you isnt this just awful. I too feel as you do after 3 years of experiencing this I am too in limbo like you. I have felt so alone but this forum has done a lot to help ,me understand I still cant get it right with my husband normal has gone out of the window, he only accepted his christmas presents from me today !!!! you seem to have a routine tho and she is trying. Take your blessings from that you need to take time for yourself get some rest and read here. take care.
     
  5. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    I am so sorry for you....

    I had all of the same problems before my husband just out and out left me about 4 months ago. We did not know he had PTSD and before it was really diagnosed, he just decided he did not love me anymore and was gone.

    If I had known about the diagnosis earlier, I think I could have been more supportive. I would love to reconcile, but he says this is just not possible. He has to have a divorce for "boundaries".

    I feel alone and horrible most of the time too, but I am just making a life for me and my son with or without my husband. I hope that he will come to his senses and come home, but if not and he does go through with the divorce as he says he is going to, then I will just have to go on without him and raise our wonderful son.

    I hope things get better for you. We barely had intimacy in our relationship at all and when we did, I just about had to beg for it. I think that is one reason he bolted. He just got so stressed about things and he just had to get out of the relationship in order to not feel stressed about things.

    I have been told he has a girlfriend, but I am not so sure about that. I think really he wants me to think this, but I really believe this is just so I will let him out of the marriage easier.

    As above, hope things get better for you. Pray for me too.

    dazed
     
  6. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

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    Dan (feeling alone)

    welcome to the forum. Hugs to you and your other half.

    I am gathering from your post, that your girlfriend was a victim of rape. Not knowing the circumstances or details I won't be able to comment on those of course.
    Needless to say, the trauma is major and will take much time to heal.
    You will learn about "triggers" here. Those are the things said or done or smelled or heard or whatever -- that cause her to remember something that happened before, during or just after the trauma.
    You might see if she is willing to talk about it, or if she has already done so, think about the things she said.. what the events were that lead up to the situation, during, and shortly there after.. EVERYTHING will have some impact on her as a result of what happened.
    You are the second victim of this trauma. Not forgotten or less important. We spouses are the ones that are secondary sufferers of the trauma and hurt right along with the ones we love and share our daily lives with.

    Patience & understanding is very important. Learning her "triggers" so that you can not hit them is important for both of you. She needs to learn what they are, just to be aware of them. If she hasn't gotten help from a rape crisis center she should. They have people that can help here step by step for her trauma. The fact that you have moved in together since her rape was an extremely big step for her. Touching, hugging, kissing, and sex is what happened to her. Its very difficult for her to separate the differences at times. Emotionally she may love you with all her heart and doesn't know how to show you, because for her sex was a trauma, not a show of love.

    She needs to re-learn that sex can be a show of love and that the trauma was an evil act of a cowardly snake. (by the way cowardly snakes should be hung by their evil necks until very dead!) Death penalty -- HE__ YES !
    She may even be afraid of men in general, ie her family members etc.

    (I was molested when I was 12 yrs old by a total stranger) The things I am saying are as a result of that and as many years in law enforcement. I was a dispatcher and a reserve police officer.

    Getting help for her is important. As you learn to understand each very small step of her trauma it will then help to understand why she holds you at arms length.

    It is not going to be an easy road for either of you. If you love her, as difficult as it is you find a way of developing the patience you need. We all need to have hugs and feel loved. Yes being young you want that love to involve sex it's the total expression of "your" love. Remember she has to re-learn to enjoy that total expression of love.

    I wish you both the very best of all things that are good, healthy, and positive.

    you can PM me if you want. If you can get her to come on board the forum she can learn a lot here. There are a lot of PTSD sufferers here. The trauma's very a great deal. Everyone deals with it differently. Those of us that are spouses can only stand by and love those that suffer and hope and pray that we are saying and doing the right things to help them and ourselves.

    Take Care...

    D (wildcritter)
     
  7. tig

    tig Active Member

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    The patience of Job

    I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you do. Know that a great many of us are (or have been) exactly where you find yourself now. I realize that knowing that you're not alone doesn't fill that void you feel, or make the anger or frustration go away. I believe that's one of the reasons we're here: to share those feelings, to vent, to be given reassurance. Everyone on this site is wonderful-- you've just gained alot of "friends" who are completely understanding.
    One of the forum editors (a PTSD sufferer) shared something w/us that helped me alot. (Paraphrasing) She said that while everyone wants to feel wanted and needed, we're asking these things from a normal person, not a normal person w/PTSD.
    From what I understand (& hubby confirms) is that their brains are already on overload, so seeking the answer to even a simple question is all but impossible. They've shut down "other systems." Unfortunately, affection seems to be one of them. The editor suggested giving them space-lots of it- & having tons of patience. She said in their own time, they will come to you.
    (That is finally happening w/my hubby- slowly.) About you coping or getting thru all this unaffectionate time... all I can tell you is that I felt the same way you do for a long time. It tore me up inside. Then one day I found that I expected nothing anymore. We had been simply "roommates" for quite a while. I had become indifferent to the lack of even the smallest show of affection. On one hand, I thought "this isn't good," but on the other, I found that it was the only way I could cope. In other words, if I expected nothing, I wasn't going to be disappointed. (But that's just what happened with me.)
    Then after 9 months, he did start coming to me, just as the editor had said. It was slowly at first, but at least we were sitting on the same couch. I continue to apply no pressure & to let him set the pace, which makes him feel more in control. Things are improving.
    So have patience, and faith- she will come back to you when she gets out of this "bad place" she is in. Until then, we are here. Big hugs.
     
  8. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Welcome Dan,
    Dont worry about what type of supporters are here...we are all here for the same reason... because we need someone to talk to, and understand us... and i know where you are coming from... My husband has PTSD and i felt the way you feel for a long time (i still do at times) and to be honest, it may not get too much better as quick as you would like/need....
    It will be hard and at times you will feel like you want to leave.... its normal.... we are all here for you...
    Im glad you brought this matter up because it does not get spoken of too much yet from what i have seen.... I think it is perfectly normal and understandable what you are going through....
     
  9. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    me again....
    i was wondering....
    we all seem to talk alot about "patience" and i agree with that and am all for it as long as the person with PTSD is doing something to help him/her self of course, because if the person is doing nothing to help themselves then we are only adjusting to their unhealthy lifestyle which is not good...if they are not doing to do anything to help their situation i think thats when i would give up on patience....
    im being weird right now... ~hugs~
     
  10. hannah

    hannah Active Member

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    on the head

    you have hit it on the head Andrea if they are seeming to do something to help themselves and us in turn that gives hope and more endurance, however the arrogance that accompanies the bravado of everything is "ok" with me...... "its you" is mind and soul destroying the good news for me is he has shown signs of change as he approaches his new role and military enhanced job - I saw the old hubby tonight - just for 5 mins but I swear to god he was there - even used a gentle voice to me that I have longed for , for so long even tho it was used to describe the past - hes off now for a month so I am left again with no intimacy and support - sorry no change there then. Gonna take my chances and forget about him too....... god will guide me ..... sorry another vent.:naughty:
     
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