1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Daily Dose

Get the last 24hrs of new topics delivered to your inbox.

Click Here to Subscribe

Looking For Advice About My Wife

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by superd, Aug 7, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. superd

    superd Member

    33
    1
    0
    Anthony & anyone who cares to chime in, I haven't posted in a while (I suppose most only do so when we feel we need to) but here I am again looking for some wisdom...I have explained my history with my wife in other posts, so I won't repeat the whole thing...As of the beginning of this year, my wife was in therapy (I told he if she didn't go back, I'd leave her) and doing very well, each session was intense and much ground was being covered, she made several breakthroughs, and I was extremely proud of her. It seemed we had gotten over the hump, and while I knew there would be bad days ahead, I thought they would be the exception to the rule. My wife apparently agreed with me, as she decided shortly thereafter to go back to work. She got a job she really loves, and which could be a career for her. I made my wife promise to me that, if she went back to work, she would continue her therapy, to which she readily agreed. So about three months went by and things were going pretty well, although she did not go back to therapy. When I asked her about this, she said that she had already done what she needed and that she really didn't have the time to go anyway. I let it go because things were seemingly fine. Then, about a month ago, the old demons returned. One day a neck ache, the next a stomach ache, then nausea, etc. Day missed from work, tearful calls to her boss explaining the "illness" of that particular day. Her manager has told her repeatedly that she needn't worry, that she should take care of the (insert problem here) and get better. Today I lost it...she left work early on Saturday because she felt weird. Then today, her neck (hurt for a long time, got better, now today, suddenly, is raging again - she's had x-rays, nothing there) is the culprit. Her manager has had the patience of a saint thus far, but she knows nothing of PTSD and eventually will realize that this is going to continue indefinitely and will fire her (this will be traumatic for my wife and she will be devastated, not looking forward to the fallout from that day). So here we are again, the "illnesses" have returned, and I am SICK of this to the nth degree. I told my wife during marriage counseling that I considered this job to be, in part, a test to see whether we were ready for kids - the idea being that if she could handle a full-time job for at least a year, then she/we could (conceivably) handle raising a child. I am extremely upset that she has quit going to therapy, but I am also reaching the point of apathy with this...I have NO interest in repeating this pattern over and over the next three decades - it's like my wife just doesn't "get it"...as soon as she is feeling better it's like: "whew, glad that PTSD is over with! I'm fine now, back to what I was doing!" It is Pride, pure and simple, and although I don't fault her for having it, I'm at the point where enough is enough. I'm thinking of leaving her, because I'm tired of repeating this cycle, and I want kids before age 40 (at the latest). I'm starting to wonder if only the threat of divorce is going to motivate her, which is NOT what I want our marriage to be built upon...
     
  2. Register to participate in live chat, PTSD discussion and more.
  3. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

    9,539
    8,700
    19,213
    When I first read this thread, I had an opinion. Then I went and did a search of your previous threads. My first gut feeling was right. Your wife is in denial, and doesn't feel like working on herself anymore. She decided that after a few months, that she was cured.... WRONG!!!!!!

    You just don't "get over" PTSD in a few months. It takes time, hard work and determination to do this. I think that your wife may have got to a point of extremely uncomfortable therapy sessions, and decided that enough was enough. IMO No pain, NO gain. She copped out when the pain go to much to handle.

    As far as you.....You need to take care of you. You are number #1... So is your wife, but she has chosen different, so you need to take care of you now. No one can tell you what to do, you need to figure things out on your own.

    Sit down and have a good talk with yourself. List the pros and cons of your marriage. List the good and bad of your wife. List your gaols, and the set backs that you are facing right now. Try to decide if this is something that you are going to continue to face in your marriage. Ask yourself if you think it's possible that your wife will return to therapy, and give it an honest try. Are you willing to have to try and force her when she balks. The last question......When will you be able to stop enabling her, so that she can't walk away????? Remember you both made an agreement that she would continue in therapy and work for a year. So far she quit therapy, and the job isn't going well either. You said nothing to her. This is enabling.....

    I do understand your pain in all of this. It's so hard to give support when someone isn't willing to help themselves. So now how long do you continue to try and support her???? How do you take care of you, and your needs??????

    Ultimately this is your decision. I wish you the best in whatever you choose.

    Please take care of you...

    Wendy
     
  4. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    1,822
    74
    0
    Superd, welcome back to the forum. I do not have much to add to the wonderful advice you have received from Wendy. I agree with it all; you must look after yourself as well, and your wife must take the initiative to heal. I can fully understand your not wanting to continue in this "cycle" for years to come. You are correct, the threat of divorce is no way to maintain a happy marriage.

    Perhaps your wife was not ready for a full time position? That is entirely possible given she has PTSD. She may not be as well as you were hoping. I do believe however she needs to resume therapy and working upon herself, and that if nothing else, you should insist upon this.

    Do take care of yourself and continue to post here, you are most welcome.
     
  5. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

    792
    36
    0
    Welcome back, superd. Good to have you.

    Jim.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

    32,970
    46,397
    57,850
    Hi superd, welcome back. I agree with bits and pieces of above, yet have my opinion on this matter.

    I think your both in denial about the seriousness of PTSD. I include you in that, because your pushing her along, what you may believe to be progress, your pushing her to work, your pushing her as a test to whether or not you will have children with her, and who knows what else.

    The actual chances of a person with PTSD holding down a full-time job with long term success is so slim, you have better chances with a scratch and win. The stress off employment, dealing with people, getting up and having to be somewhere on time, having people order you around, and all the issues that come with employment, are 98% of the time far too much for a person with PTSD to cope with. Sorry to say... but it is.

    This does not mean a person with PTSD cannot ever work, it simply means they typically cannot work in a normal job with normal stressors. They often function in jobs where they work solely by themselves, they can function in jobs where they are left alone for the majority of the time, they function in jobs where there is no customer interaction, many distractions and stressors. Usually you will find a sufferer working for themselves in a limited capacity, so they can work around their PTSD.

    I totally agree with Wendy though, in that she believes its a short term fix, where its much bigger than that, and she must understand it.
     
  7. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

    792
    36
    0
    Interesting Anthony. Kathy and I know of several who work full time. However. Keeping in mind what you say above - truthfully none are fairing well. All have bad symptoms. One drinks heavily. Didn't occur to us it might be the employment. Thank you for that point.

    Jim.
     
  8. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    1,822
    74
    0
    Thank you Anthony for your input. In spite of what we know through experience with Evie, Brian and Eric, and our reading and research, we often seem to miss or forget key points of a situation. I suppose it's because we can't possibly know what it's like to have PTSD ourselves. We still have much to learn!

    Superd, I apologize for taking over your thread. I do hope to see you here more often, take good care.
     
  9. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

    9,539
    8,700
    19,213
    Anthony,

    You are right about the work issue, as we do seem to work better when we work for ourselves, but I wonder if.........With working, and really dealing with our issues, and going to therapy, can working a job be accomplished, and held down????

    Wendy
     
  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    3,530
    108
    0
    While agreed she needs to be in therapy IMO, I am a bit confused. Does she want kids? I mean it sounds like she has already been given an ultimatum for being a mother or not. I have children and I do fine with them, if anything they have been what helps me through this and motivates me. Now hold down a full time job in the work place? Won't happen, I don't see it happening again for years if ever at full time. But if you are going deny your wife children over whether she proves herself worthy enough as a worker... That just seems to me be a profound amount of stress in itself.

    I think her back in therapy at least once a month and you both back into therapy for your relationship is most needed. You know the stress of a job may be part of it flaring up but it is not only that, it is the circumstances. I mean if she loves her job maybe it is why she has it is causing the flare up. Therapy is needed for both of you on that.

    Spouses make accommodations for each other. She may never be able to work full time. That may be one of her quirks. You being a guy she probably won't force you try to grow back a full head of hair when you age... Some things are just expected.

    Again you should stick to your guns on the therapy but threatening divorce as motivation? If you want to divorce do it, if you don't don't. But never use that as leverage to force something and at the same time whether or not she can be a mom as leverage either. It is just wrong to say I am going to withhold my love and children from you until you do as I want. Which is pretty much what you described summed up. I know that would send me over the edge, therapy or not.
     
  11. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

    222
    15
    0
    Quick thoughts.......here.... Ask those who have PTSD and a child what it is like for them to deal with a child or children and a spouse? Then consider their answers and then consider whether you think you and your spouse can deal with the similar issues...

    The child will have to deal with a PTSD parent and a parent coping with that spouse.. etc. Those are just some of my thoughts good bad or indifferent.......
    D
     
  12. superd

    superd Member

    33
    1
    0
    Hey guys, thanks for all the input. It isn't an easy situation for anyone, but then all of you can relate, I know.

    Veiled, thaks for your input as well, as you definitely gave me some things to think about. I do want to make one thing clear to you though, I have never "threatened" my wife with divorce if she doesn't "do what I want". What I HAVE done is set a boundary with her that, if she does not take care of managing her PTSD when she is fully capable of doing so (and she is), then I will take steps to make sure that my life, and the lives of my future children, are not harmed by that decision. I will not bring children into a household where PTSD goes untreated. This is, to a degree, a pride thing for her, and yes, maybe she is feeling pressure from me to manage it, but we have come to the point where I am not going to sit passively by and endure this. When she goes to therapy, she does very, very well. When she doen not go, she, and we, suffer for it (I'm not talking about missing an appointment, I'm talking about 6 month gaps in treatment). You may call it a threat, but then those who suffer from PTSD might see someone setting boundaries as a threat because it is a threat to the behavior and coping tactics they are comfortable with. I struggle with this very,very fine line between supporting your spouse and looking out for your own well being. Sometimes the two cannot co-exist, although most times they can. She knows what she needs to do, it is a question of her doing it. If she feels she cannot do it (but can work full-time), then that is news to me. I would do everything in my power to help her go back, but you know as well as I do that that decision must come from her, not me.
     
  13. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    1,822
    74
    0
    Personally I feel this is a very wise decision superd. We all know that children are often unplanned, and when that happens one makes the best of the situation. However when you have the option to plan as you do, it is best to delay parenthood until both partners are psychologically prepared. It is simply unfair to bring a child into a situation where one or both parents is unwell, mentally or physically. When PTSD is managed is a different story, but unmanaged I would completely agree with you. My niece with PTSD is not in a relationship and has no children (she is still young, 23), but she has vowed to not have children until she has healed sufficiently and is able to manage herself well. I am very proud of her for this decision, putting the welfare of her future children above her own desires. Children are a huge responsibility, and it is a privilege I believe, rather than a right, to have them.
     
Loading...
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Show Sidebar