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Losing Mind Over Boxes - Moving House

Discussion in 'General' started by Shinigami_Shimai, Jul 13, 2007.

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  1. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    My wife and I are planning a move, but it is not happening until October and she has already packed nearly everything in the place and it is driving me crazy to the point of breaking down into tears randomly. I know why this is, it is because I'm used to moving quickly and it is usually because I'm running from something. So whenever I move it only takes a month or so and everything usually fits in a couple of bags and I'm off. My last big move before my wife come out to live with me I had only my clothes, computer, a few books and nothing more. Not even a bed or dresser or any furniture at all.

    Every since I was little my family would move every few years and it would always be a rushed move. I never understood why, but I recalled a couple involving teachers asking too many questions about myself and my mother getting rather angry with them. I remember once in elementary school I was asked to do some psychological tests in which I was asked to draw some things and the next thing I remember my mother was in the office screaming about people being insane for placing the blame on my parents and that I was the insane one. I have been on my own since I was 16 and was always moving every year or so as I ran away from someone or something. Until recently I never stayed in one place for very long and this current place we have almost been here 3 years and Kim brought so much stuff with her, never mind the things we have bought since we got married, there is more then I'm used too and it is causing me to panic. I feel the urge to suddenly run and need to be on my way, but I don't want to run from my wife, I just want to get away from here and it is causing me to really come apart.

    Yesterday I was laughing and crying at the same time and I'm not even sure what triggered it. I've been scratching where I used to cut and I can't stop it. Kim is now worried because my left hand and right wrist look horrible and they sting like mad. The only things keeping me from cutting is that I do not want to scare Kim anymore, I don't want another stay in a mental hospital (it has been over 10 years since my last stay and I'm not going back there again) and the fact that I tossed the knife I used to cut myself with and no other knife looks right... yeah I know I'm screwed up... *sighs* Anyone know how to keep myself from going out of my mind over something as stupid as boxes being everywhere and how to stop the scratching, because I hate hiding my hands from people. I need to make it through two and a half more months and I'm not sure if I can do it and I'm afraid that Kim is finally going to get tired of these breakdowns. Anyways, I feel another bout of tears coming and need to splash some water on my face.

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
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  3. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Kat,

    I'm really not sure what to say....I'm sorry that you are so upset with all of this. I know this may sound so stupid.....But do you think that instead of looking at this move as something that you are running from.....To something that you and your wife are running to. A new life, a new start together...

    Are you equating moving with being bad???? And are forced to leave again??? What I am getting from reading your post is that your parents were abusive, the school found out, your mother blamed you, and then MOVED real fast before the school could do anything. If I am right, is this what's causing you so much pain??? If not just ignore my rambles....

    Try not to cut, you have been doing great not cutting, so you can do this..........

    I wish you better times in the future.........

    Wendy
     
  4. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    Thanks for replying, I keep trying to think of it as starting a new chapter with my wife, but it is not working out that well.

    As for my past... My mother was abusive, verbally and physicall, and my father got drunk alot and sexually assaulted me for a very very long time. I was known for showing up at school with cuts and bruises all over my body and it was explained to everyone that I was crazy and overreacted to everything around me and was just a clutz, if someone touched me I would break out in tears and start acting rather strangely, curling up in a corner screaming. Every school I went to one of the teachers would notice my strange behaviour and try to get me to open up, but I was told to never talk about what happened in my house or I would be in trouble. So whenever someone figured out that something was out of the ordinary with me they would call in my mother and everything would turn into a screaming fight with the teachers and she told them to mind their own business and I would be punished for calling attention to myself again. Soon after we would be packing up for a new place and a new school. Finally my family moved to an entirely different city in another province. I was rather upset because I'd got accepted to an art school that I was told I'd never get into and was told it was my fault that I could not go there. I can still hear her screaming about getting rid of me and sending me to a school far away so she would not have to deal with me anymore. She even had my dad build me a room in the basement, which had one wall that was drywalled on one side so visitors would not realized that on the other side of the wall was a room with wooden beams for walls and concrete. I still have nightmares of being forced to stay in the basement while company was over and the bugs that lived down there... *shivers* I still worry that my mother will find me and kill me for uncovering my past. One of the reasons I hide in a big city where she will never find me.

    All my moves where due to something bad happening in my life. I was moved from school to school more times then I can remember and it drove me nuts. Then I found myself doing the same thing, running from something as I moved from one place to another. This is the first move that nothing bad has happened and we just have enough money to have a place of our own without roommates. I just feel the need to be out of the house and moving as quickly as can be and having to wait until October to move is unheard of in my mind. She packed away all my art referance and books that I like to skim through and even broke down most of the shelves and has everything ready to go other then some of the stuff in the kitchen and a few of my art things and writing supplies... and our summer clothes. We don't even have a new place to move yet... *sighs*

    Sorry to ramble... I'm really coming appart as of late and as such everything flood out of me like a tidal wave... *grumbles* one thought leads to another and another and before long I find myself shaking in a corner as I try to control myself from really going over the edge. Don't worry about the cutting. I've kept myself out of hospitals for a while now and I do not intend to get stuck back in that hell hole ever again, they caused me more trauma being in the hospital then any good.

    Well, jaa ne... I need to face my writing... that is if I can get my mind to focus on one thing for a moment...

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
  5. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Kat,

    So I was correct. Moving is a trigger for you then. In order to get by this, you have to face it. Keep telling yourself that you are safe. Your mother can't hurt you now. You are in the here and now! NOT living with your parents. You're an adult with a new life. When you feel yourself getting anxious try keeping yourself grounded. Keep something with you( something small) something that you can hold onto, touch, rub, and keep telling yourself that you are ok, and safe. If you have something that has a strong smell such as sandlewood. Keep that with you too. It will keep your senses in the here and now also.

    These are some of the things I did to help me. My therapist taught me how to keep myself in the here and now, and to control my anxiety. It's hard the first few times, but it does get easier to do. You just have to keep doing it everytime you feel anxious.....

    What your feeling in part of the PTSD, but you can get better with a ton of work, and time....

    Take care,

    Wendy
     
  6. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

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    Yeah i agree with Wendy, this is a major trigger for you. If you can begin to learn to face it and overcome it, you will turn one of the corners of PTSD. Perhaps to make it a little easier on yourself could you speak to your wife and unpack a couple of the boxes...ones with things in that make you feel like you are at home still. Because I'd be pretty wound up with EVERYTHING being in boxes anyway... but it may help you to feel that there is still some things at your home for now, otherwise every time you look at ALL boxes and everything packed it might feel as if you are about to move in a rush again, as you described. Its almost like trying to relearn that moving doesnt have to be a last minute panic run. You can have some things out, some things packed type thing rather than having everything packed like you're going that day.

    Might be worth a try maybe?
     
  7. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    I can't seem to stop fearing my mother. Once I moved and did not tell her where I went and she found out from one of my family members that I was seen in a area of town and she went door to door knocking on every door until she found me. There were 6 apartment buildings in that area and she disturbed everyone searching for me. It was as if she needed me to know that she knew where I lived, even though she claimed to have disowned me and that I was not her child anylonger she still made sure to know where I lived no matter what and it drove me insane, which is why I finally ran off to another city when I was 27. I discovered recently that my aunt reads my website and she is rather close to my mother so that means my mother knows that I've written novels about my past and she is looking for me right now. This scares me to no end. The woman actually dislocated my shoulder and I can still feel the pain when the weather gets cold or rainy. So convincing myself that she can not hurt me any longer is not going to be easy.

    It is funny that you mention keeping something small with me because the other day my wife noticed my aggitated state and put a necklace around my neck that I usually wear when I go out because it makes me feel better and I like to fiddle with it. Today had been more difficult so I found myself turning to a teddy bear that she got me for Christmas. I know it may sound silly, but I was told that it was alright to need a teddy every now and then and this one is the greatest. Although some find it rather creepy considering its face tears off to reveal a blood red face underneath, but somehow that suits me...

    As for sandelwood... I don't know about that for many smells but a lot seem to be triggers for me for some strange reason. There is only one I know of that doesn't trigger me and it is some kind of perfume spary that my wife wore on the first day we met in person. Everytime I smell it it reminds me of her curled up in my arms as we headed back to my place on our first date...
    I think she has packed it away with everything else.

    I asked her not to pack the shelf outside of our room because it had alot of my referance books, but she packed them just the other day so she could take the shelf appart, only to find the shelf didn't come appart. She keeps searching for something else to pack and even though I asked her to leave a few things days later she has packed them anyways. She has her own issues and orginizing seems to be something she feels that she must do. She seems to feel lost without being able to orginize something or pack. I'm not sure what to do now... With the laptop in need of repair she searches for something to pack while she waits to be able to burn more disks...

    Thanks for trying to help. I'll try to keep reminding myself that this is for the better, I just don't know if I can last another month like this. *sighs*

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
  8. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    :hello: I think that it's a great idea to hug the teddy!!...I have quite a gang of stuffed critters.....I am rather fond of the bunnies....I always take one or sometimes two with me when I see my T and psychodoc....They think it's a great idea....I have long ago given up on caring what anybody thinks about me having my critters with me.....I feel if it's what I need to make it through the difficult moments in my life....then sooooo be it!!!! They are very good grounding "tools" for me when I start to dissasociate or the fear and terror start running amok....Feeling the softness of their fur is rather soothing for me.....You just keep on hugging whenever you need to:thumbs-up !!!!.....PEACE TO THE PLANET
     
  9. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    My mother tossed out all my stuffies when I was 13 telling me that I needed to grow up. Oddly enough it was my step mother who started up my new collection when I was 20 with my first stuffed bunny. Even funnier was my mother-in-law who got me a stuffed bear for Christmas and stated, "If you are going to be a daughter of mine you are going to have to like stuffed animals." I remember pointing up at the top shelf filled with bunnies and laughing because I showed them to her when she first visited and she completely forgot. You know it feel special having my mother-in-law call me her daughter when my own mother wants nothing to do with me. *sighs*

    *takes a deep breath* I've decided to face this head on. I'm not going to tell Kim to unpack the things. I'm just going to try to deal with it as best as I can. This is something I need to deal with and in another month things would need to be packed. Now if I can only get up the strength to deal with apartment hunting I would be all set to take on the world... but right now I think I'm sticking with staying in the apartment. I've already done alot today and I need to recupe before trying another adventure, expecially one as hard as dealing with landlords...

    Well thanks for the replies.

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
  10. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Hi Kat,

    If things get too overwhelming with everything packed, go out and buy something really small that you think will calm you down, and not need to be packed.

    Checking out new landlords and apartments can be such fun...NOT. But you know it has to be done. Take a deep breath, and go for it. This to shall pass.....

    hang in there.

    Wendy
     
  11. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    Thanks, we just checked out a place in the very building we now live in. We right now live in a two bedroom and are looking for a one bedroom, but it is very expensive to live in the big city and disablity does not give that much money to pay for rent. We can't move to another city because I've only started getting better since being here and all my doctors are here, I have several due to different problems I've gained over the years. There is a really nice and big appartment here in this building that is $75 over our budget, but geez would I love to live there. We can see the CNTower from the windows, it is where I took my sweetie on our first date and holds so many wonderful memories. We are hoping to get an apartment on that side of the building for only $25 over our budget, but we are going to look for other places. The problem is trying to find a gay friendly building. Right now there are several gay couples in this building, but we still get weird stares on the elevator and this one woman will not allow her kids to talk to us. She is such a witch and steers her kids away from us if she sees us in the lobby. It has been better here since the old super was let go. I was having a major panic attack one day while they were spraying for bugs in our apartment. We were forced to stay in the laundry room with our cats because there was no where else to go and I was having a breakdown that was making me feel like throwing up. As such I was laying with my head on my wife's lap so I could calm down alittle and he started yelling at us and told us that we were making people feel uncomfortable. I went to the manager and secertary, I'm really not sure what her job is here, but she is nice. They told us to ignore him and continue on as we were. It was not like we were making out in the laundry room. I was so pale and sick that the secertary actually asked if I need to go to the hospital or something. It was horrible. I mean this guy was more concerned with other people feeling uncomfortable when they were making us feel uncomfortable acting like we were disesed or something.

    So yeah, We need to look out for more then just a good apartment. We need to find out if the area is anti gay and that causes me even more stress. I've dealt with too many anti gay groups that I don't want to be in that situation again. I would love to be downtown right in the gay district, but that is way to expensive, but it would be so nice to be somewhere that I could feel safe and not have to worry about someone being angry with the way I dressed...

    So we shall continue the house hunt later. I hope things go well... *sighs*

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
  12. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Kat,

    Keep looking for another place to live. It will help the both of you to overcome a few things maybe in the process. Getting over the fear of going out. Getting over the fear of new people. Possibly dealing with your stress a little better. Facing things is hard, but running from them only creates more fear.

    As far as the super screaming at you...You can't teach ignorant people, and I wouldn't waste my time trying.

    Hang in there.

    Wendy
     
  13. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    We are going to try a few places no matter what. I'm just going to keep an eye open for the areas because we are now living in a gay friendly city that does not tolerate discrimination against anyone, but there are still those who are not very friendly.

    As for that super, actually you can teach them a lesson. He had a long talking too from us boss and soon after was actually fired. Canada is one of the few places where it is perfectly fine to be gay and if someone has a problem with it then have to keep it to themselves, just like if someone was racist or anything other bais. The only group that is not protected and soon will be is the right to freedom of gender expression, which means that you can't be discriminated against if you dress as the opposite gender or anyway you dress or act. I can't wait for that law to be passed. I just can't beleive everyone has to be added to the law before people realize that they can't go around being hateful and hurtful to people from just being different. *sighs*

    Anyways, Thanks for the suggestions. We will try and fight this. It is harder when both of us would rather avoid things and if we do go I'm the only one to really talk because Kim is to shy and quiet...

    Well jaa ne

    Kat
     
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