Another day at work...doing my usual, nothing...I have not been able to "work" for a while now, i just sit here and cry and think about why i feel and say so much and have so little to show for. I am a mess.
You can get upset with me if you feel you need to but i am desperate. I feel I have failed you time and time again... The most important person in my life. the person who has done everything for me!
I want everyone to know that my husband is the strongest, most warm hearted and brilliant man i have ever met in my entire life. He has done for me what nobody else would even consider doing...he has given me a reason to live, and now I am about to lose him forever. He does not need me. I need him.
I have treated him beyond horrible in the past and for a very long time and he has never left my side. He has put up with so much of my sh*t for such a long time and has stayed with me.
I took advantage of him and his love. I’ve told him millions of times that i would leave him and that i would file for divorce all out of being a spoiled, self-centered brat and he has stuck around even then.
This year he has been diagnosed with PTSD and he has been going through hell trying to fight it all on his own :( I have not been doing anything at all to help him but instead I make things worse for him. I know I owe it to him to be there for him and give him what he needs…and I know what his needs are…I owe him that and way more, yet i cannot show him!!! And I don’t understand why. It makes me a fake to come on here and post so much and try to find answers when all I am doing is making his life worse than it has to be! I truly dislike myself for being the type of person I am
He is at the end of the rope with me it seems.. he cannot take much more. And it seems our marriage is there as well. The things he told me will stick with me... yet he has every right to feel the way he does about me (doesn’t mean it does not hurt like freaking hell) specially knowing I have made him feel that way about me. I am nothing but a damn parasite and I’ve almost finished him off! That’s not what I wanted! I will never ever forgive myself for torturing, and abusing him how I have…the one person who is meant for me…and now he cannot feel the same because of me…it breaks my heart that you don’t feel I am the one for you!! But I know why you don’t feel it anymore. And I hate myself for it. I have no reason for what I have put him through other than I am manipulative, self centered b*tch who didn’t know what love was when it stood right in front of me for 4years. Ive have never felt so stupid!!!
As time goes by i think hes starting to feel different about me…He has lost so much hope and trust in me…yet he keeps telling me to “prove him wrong†and show him that I can be a better person (can you believe he still keeps trying to help me????) yet I have failed every single time I have “tried†I don’t want it to get to the point where he falls out of love with me… considering that’s all he has for me right now…just love and nothing more…he has told me he cannot feel anything more… I am terrified of that and do not know what I will do when/if the time comes.
I wrote him an email about a week ago asking him how he was feeling because he had stayed home from work. He kept it so simply yet it was one of those emails that I will always remember and be so meaningful to me.
I never told him how much this line meant to me…. How he made me feel that day…
I am not posting this so that everyone can feel bad for me and try and make me feel better…I don’t deserve that and I am not asking for that. I just needed to vent and let him know that I am deeply sorry. I didn’t sleep all night because of the nightmares I had of him leaving me in the most brutal way like I deserve. I woke up feeling confused about whether it had really happened or if it was all in my head. He never gave up on me, and I am still pushing him to limit…that’s my fault, I did that all on my own
You have heard it all before…I just want to tell you that I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will….i may not get the chance to say this anymore…but please know that I have always meant it. You had my heart when I first met you. I gave it up that fast because I was that sure that you are the one who is meant to keep it safe. You mean the entire universe to me and more. And I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for what I have done to you, put you through and keep putting you through. Together or not I will never forget and I will always live with the pain of my mistakes and regrets.<3
You can get upset with me if you feel you need to but i am desperate. I feel I have failed you time and time again... The most important person in my life. the person who has done everything for me!
I want everyone to know that my husband is the strongest, most warm hearted and brilliant man i have ever met in my entire life. He has done for me what nobody else would even consider doing...he has given me a reason to live, and now I am about to lose him forever. He does not need me. I need him.
I have treated him beyond horrible in the past and for a very long time and he has never left my side. He has put up with so much of my sh*t for such a long time and has stayed with me.
I took advantage of him and his love. I’ve told him millions of times that i would leave him and that i would file for divorce all out of being a spoiled, self-centered brat and he has stuck around even then.
This year he has been diagnosed with PTSD and he has been going through hell trying to fight it all on his own :( I have not been doing anything at all to help him but instead I make things worse for him. I know I owe it to him to be there for him and give him what he needs…and I know what his needs are…I owe him that and way more, yet i cannot show him!!! And I don’t understand why. It makes me a fake to come on here and post so much and try to find answers when all I am doing is making his life worse than it has to be! I truly dislike myself for being the type of person I am
He is at the end of the rope with me it seems.. he cannot take much more. And it seems our marriage is there as well. The things he told me will stick with me... yet he has every right to feel the way he does about me (doesn’t mean it does not hurt like freaking hell) specially knowing I have made him feel that way about me. I am nothing but a damn parasite and I’ve almost finished him off! That’s not what I wanted! I will never ever forgive myself for torturing, and abusing him how I have…the one person who is meant for me…and now he cannot feel the same because of me…it breaks my heart that you don’t feel I am the one for you!! But I know why you don’t feel it anymore. And I hate myself for it. I have no reason for what I have put him through other than I am manipulative, self centered b*tch who didn’t know what love was when it stood right in front of me for 4years. Ive have never felt so stupid!!!
As time goes by i think hes starting to feel different about me…He has lost so much hope and trust in me…yet he keeps telling me to “prove him wrong†and show him that I can be a better person (can you believe he still keeps trying to help me????) yet I have failed every single time I have “tried†I don’t want it to get to the point where he falls out of love with me… considering that’s all he has for me right now…just love and nothing more…he has told me he cannot feel anything more… I am terrified of that and do not know what I will do when/if the time comes.
I wrote him an email about a week ago asking him how he was feeling because he had stayed home from work. He kept it so simply yet it was one of those emails that I will always remember and be so meaningful to me.
I wish I had more to tell you. I love you.. that’s about all that I can say that I am certain about.. like I said I am brain dead
I never told him how much this line meant to me…. How he made me feel that day…
I am not posting this so that everyone can feel bad for me and try and make me feel better…I don’t deserve that and I am not asking for that. I just needed to vent and let him know that I am deeply sorry. I didn’t sleep all night because of the nightmares I had of him leaving me in the most brutal way like I deserve. I woke up feeling confused about whether it had really happened or if it was all in my head. He never gave up on me, and I am still pushing him to limit…that’s my fault, I did that all on my own
You have heard it all before…I just want to tell you that I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will….i may not get the chance to say this anymore…but please know that I have always meant it. You had my heart when I first met you. I gave it up that fast because I was that sure that you are the one who is meant to keep it safe. You mean the entire universe to me and more. And I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for what I have done to you, put you through and keep putting you through. Together or not I will never forget and I will always live with the pain of my mistakes and regrets.<3