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Losing The Battle With Myself

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Andrea42, Sep 15, 2006.

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  1. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Another day at work...doing my usual, nothing...I have not been able to "work" for a while now, i just sit here and cry and think about why i feel and say so much and have so little to show for. I am a mess.

    You can get upset with me if you feel you need to but i am desperate. I feel I have failed you time and time again... The most important person in my life. the person who has done everything for me!

    I want everyone to know that my husband is the strongest, most warm hearted and brilliant man i have ever met in my entire life. He has done for me what nobody else would even consider doing...he has given me a reason to live, and now I am about to lose him forever. He does not need me. I need him.

    I have treated him beyond horrible in the past and for a very long time and he has never left my side. He has put up with so much of my sh*t for such a long time and has stayed with me.
    I took advantage of him and his love. I’ve told him millions of times that i would leave him and that i would file for divorce all out of being a spoiled, self-centered brat and he has stuck around even then.

    This year he has been diagnosed with PTSD and he has been going through hell trying to fight it all on his own :( I have not been doing anything at all to help him but instead I make things worse for him. I know I owe it to him to be there for him and give him what he needs…and I know what his needs are…I owe him that and way more, yet i cannot show him!!! And I don’t understand why. It makes me a fake to come on here and post so much and try to find answers when all I am doing is making his life worse than it has to be! I truly dislike myself for being the type of person I am

    He is at the end of the rope with me it seems.. he cannot take much more. And it seems our marriage is there as well. The things he told me will stick with me... yet he has every right to feel the way he does about me (doesn’t mean it does not hurt like freaking hell) specially knowing I have made him feel that way about me. I am nothing but a damn parasite and I’ve almost finished him off! That’s not what I wanted! I will never ever forgive myself for torturing, and abusing him how I have…the one person who is meant for me…and now he cannot feel the same because of me…it breaks my heart that you don’t feel I am the one for you!! But I know why you don’t feel it anymore. And I hate myself for it. I have no reason for what I have put him through other than I am manipulative, self centered b*tch who didn’t know what love was when it stood right in front of me for 4years. Ive have never felt so stupid!!!

    As time goes by i think hes starting to feel different about me…He has lost so much hope and trust in me…yet he keeps telling me to “prove him wrong†and show him that I can be a better person (can you believe he still keeps trying to help me????) yet I have failed every single time I have “tried†I don’t want it to get to the point where he falls out of love with me… considering that’s all he has for me right now…just love and nothing more…he has told me he cannot feel anything more… I am terrified of that and do not know what I will do when/if the time comes.

    I wrote him an email about a week ago asking him how he was feeling because he had stayed home from work. He kept it so simply yet it was one of those emails that I will always remember and be so meaningful to me.

    I never told him how much this line meant to me…. How he made me feel that day…


    I am not posting this so that everyone can feel bad for me and try and make me feel better…I don’t deserve that and I am not asking for that. I just needed to vent and let him know that I am deeply sorry. I didn’t sleep all night because of the nightmares I had of him leaving me in the most brutal way like I deserve. I woke up feeling confused about whether it had really happened or if it was all in my head. He never gave up on me, and I am still pushing him to limit…that’s my fault, I did that all on my own

    You have heard it all before…I just want to tell you that I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will….i may not get the chance to say this anymore…but please know that I have always meant it. You had my heart when I first met you. I gave it up that fast because I was that sure that you are the one who is meant to keep it safe. You mean the entire universe to me and more. And I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for what I have done to you, put you through and keep putting you through. Together or not I will never forget and I will always live with the pain of my mistakes and regrets.<3
     
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  3. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Andrea, go easy on yourself. Beating yourself up time and time again, dwelling on the past and all the things you may or may not have done wrong in the past won't help you in the now or in the future. As hard as it is to do (believe me, I know it's hard), you have to let go of the past and look to the future. Gosh, if I had to relive the past every day, I'd be in some insane asylum, eyes fixed and glazed over, being non-communicative every second of every day.

    If you aren't in counseling yourself, my suggestion is to do it. You won't be able to help your husband if you aren't helping yourself. If you aren't well mentally as well as physically you can't possibly care for him to the fullest extent! If you are spiritual, lean on that. Pray to whatever God you believe in (if you do believe). But don't beat yourself up.

    There's a saying that I firmly believe in: Let go and let God. Because that's what we have to do when we want to make a change...let go.

    Oh, and also the Serenity Prayer...

    Hang in there and know that it WILL get better. You may be going through the worst of it now. There are brighter days ahead!
     
  4. desert4now

    desert4now Active Member

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    Amen to that!!!
     
  5. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Andrea,

    Honey you need to start looking after you. I can see the anguish in your posts, I can see that your heart is breaking and I hear that you blame yourself for your husbands PTSD. Only you and/or he really know what is at the bottom of that. If you truly believe that you are responsible for causing his PTSD then you need to get help. Or perhaps its low self esteem and you still need to get help with that. You can't help him, you can't fix the marriage in the state that you are in.....your posts tell me that your mind is in whirl and it would be a rare moment if you allow yourself to take a deep breath and STOP. By helping you it will help the marriage and your husband. I'm going to give it to you straight, something that was told to me just recently.......nobody, not you, not me, not any of us have the power to decide whether someone stays with us or goes. That is purely their choice. We don't have to like it but thats fact. I suggest that he just needs some space and you need to do some healing. He is telling you in the only way that he can, that he is unwell and needs space and your turmoil is making it hard for him to get that space. I can almost guarantee that he is feeling overwhelmed with need to help himself while witnessing your distress.

    Don't take this as another reason to feel guilty and beat yourself up. I used to be the master of self flagellation but you have to give it up sometime, its too emotionally draining. Andrea, you need to take care of you, deal with your turmoil and the self-esteem. Its obvious to me from your posts and I'm not living with you.
     
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