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Lost and drifting

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anonymous

MyPTSD Pro
I dont know where to post. I dont know what to do. I am so lost. I stare at a bag of pills, leftover from all of the experiments where my mind was the guinea pig. For what? Why did I start down the emotional roller coaster that comes with changing meds monthly? Where did it get me. This one for anxiety, that one for depression, another for ADHD....yet I am still anxious and depressed and unfocussed (only now I have a headache and an upset stomach and am 12 pounds lighter). Now the doc is upset because he wants to try more. Only the drugs he wants to try dont match the symptoms. Oh yeah, and they are dangerous (his words, not mine). Im hesitant, although he never asks directly he assumes I wont take them.

So he decides I'm not worth the effort. Maybe the therapist thinks the same. Who knows. Maybe I subconsciously decided that. Now what?

I sit at my desk. I have so much to get done. I can't focus. I take one for anxiety. Then I decide what the hell. I take a stimulant to go with it. Why am I doing this? Perhaps a benzo to combat the side effects sure to come from the stimulant. The pounding heart and the feeling like I will die. At least maybe some work will get done first. I put the benzo away...for now.

Where do I go next? There is noplace left to turn.

Am I just stuck? Is this as good as it gets?
 
The big problem with medication for PTSD is that you’re only treating the symptoms, not the root cause. Which as we all know is the trauma that you’ve been through.

The benzo and stimulant aren’t a very good combo and I think you know this.

Do you have a psychiatrist and are you in therapy????
 
Has the depression always been there or has something/someone triggered it?
 
Klonopin I guess
Why only 'guess'? Is this the only one your doctor wants you to be using at the moment, or thinks that you are using? And the other meds you mention in your first post are ones you're not supposed to be taking anymore?

Now the doc is upset because he wants to try more. Only the drugs he wants to try dont match the symptoms
What does he want to try? Is it that he is wanting to use something off label to treat symptoms you do have, or that you don't believe you have the symptoms he is saying you do?
 
Has the depression always been there or has something/someone triggered it?
It has been there a long while. I was never officially diagnosed until this pdoc. It was also bad at times as a young teenager that I can remember. It was bad post partum. It is g worse sometimes than others. I have also had a number of recent life stressors that are not helping. The most recent is the doctor getting frustrated and giving up.

Why only 'guess'? Is this the only one your doctor wants you to be using at the moment, or thinks that you are using? And the other meds you mention in your first post are ones you're not supposed to be taking anymore?
This is the one he thinks is helping the most. Yes, the stimulant was leftover. It helped tremendously with the focus, but I asked to be taken off because it made my chest hurt and spiked anxiety in the evening. I wasn't sure if it was panic or something from the medicine. It helps tremendously with focus but the chest stuff was scary. It was an older med (maybe a couple of months back).

The other anxiety drug was prescribed. I am supposed to take two spread apart. I took them close together.

He has switched a number of times and i just have a bag full. The side effects were worse on some than others. I was at work. It was what zi had in my desk. I felt like I needed ti do something to stay productive.

The pdoc just doubled it, but my nerves are frayed.

The klonopin he was insistent on. He has given up pretty much (his words). I guess that is why I said "I guess."

What does he want to try? Is it that he is wanting to use something off label to treat symptoms you do have, or that you don't believe you have the symptoms he is saying you do?
Yes. He wants to try something off label to treat symptoms he believes I have and I dont necessairly agree that I do. My therapist does not agree that I have them either.

Do u feel symptoms decrease when you are on forum?
Yes and no. Contact helps...and hurts....It helps to have somebody to share with and to read that Im not the only one. At the same time, it keeps thoughts in the forefront, and I can become a bit addicted to reading.
 
I hit send before I intended. Sorry for the repitition and typos. Because it is anonymous, I cannot edit.
 
I don't know where you are or how things work where you are, but is seeing a different psychiatrist an option for you? It doesn't sound like either you or your therapist are on the same page as him? Or would it be possible to have your T talk with him?
 
I asked him to please talk to my therapist. They are partners. The MD who referred me to therapy told me to stay away from those drugs as well. He does not think they are warranted and does not understand where the prescriber is coming from to suggest it. He said to stick with counseling. I am not sure this is the complete answer either.

There are few options where I live. There are two pdocs and the guy I am seeing (who is actually a PhD with prescribing authority). One pdoc does not take insurance, so I guess the other one is about my only option if I go that route.

I do have some things that have been difficult to overcome in therapy (shutting down, fear based things, etc.). I have to find a way around that, and it is beginning to seem like a losing cause.

Ideas are just bouncing around inside my head right now. I don't know the answer. I am not sure there is one...at least not a good one.

I may try a second opinion or stick to the advice of the referring physician and do counseling alone. The options on the table in front of me yesterday seemed a bit scary.
 
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