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Lost my job...

Discussion in 'Employment, Education & Disability' started by Haven, Feb 6, 2018.

  1. Haven

    Haven Member

    I feel like life has been a bit of a roller coaster of events. I wrote before about my trainer who yelled at me all the time. After Christmas break she was better for a little bit, but then it started up again, and it became hard to work. So last week I set up a meeting with my boss, and met with him and told him the situation. Apparently he spoke with her about it before the break when he visited and saw her yelling. He was really glad I came in to speak with him about it, and was very understanding. He did say he wanted to talk to me at another time about my performance, and the issues there, but he felt it was probably related to my trainer treating me poorly. He decided to think it through and talk to her and the project manager as well before meeting with me again the next Wednesday.

    It just so happens, the next day I caught the flu. Actual flu. I slept two days straight. Unfortunately in November I also had mono and had to take two weeks off to recover. Plus a hospital visit... sigh. So my trainer was gone for three weeks, and is gone for a week the beginning of each month. I contacted my boss yesterday to let him know I had the flu and wouldn't be coming in. (I previously told my trainer.) A couple hours later I get a phone call from my temp agency saying they'd like to talk. My boss had called saying I was unreliable, inconsistent, didn't ask for help when needed, he also mentioned my trainer yelling at me and wanting to move me into the main office. The temp agency asked if I wanted to continue working for them, and I said no. I had lots of issues with them. But it seemed to me like I was being fired. I was planning to give my two weeks on Wednesday when I spoke with him, to tie up loose ends, but then this happened.

    Anyway, I have very mixed emotions about this. Relief, a huge sense of failure, and anger. I'm also terrified to start working again. Being at my job was so triggering everyday, and I realized I bottled up my ptsd just to get through it. I made mistakes, I got yelled at, I didn't get trained, I got yelled at, I asked questions to learn how to do something correctly, I got yelled at, over and over. I would call other people in the main office on how to do things, so I wouldn't get yelled at. I feel like such a failure too, I made simple mistakes, easy ones, I used to be so much on my game and excel at everything, and now I just feel horrible and worthless. I tried so hard. The last couple days I just stopped caring as much. Yesterday, I was feeling better on Sunday and actually planned to come in on Monday, but I couldn't sleep at all no matter how hard I tried, and was so sick I called in. I think it was just from dread.

    Now I feel traumatized from this whole thing, and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to get a new job, because what if it happens again? My ptsd got way overboard, and I'm having issues coping. I'm rethinking my whole career choice, and don't know where to go. I feel helpless, hopeless, frustrated, triggered beyond belief, and my flight response is kicking in overdrive. Now when anyone gives even small critiques I feel like I'm being attacked. I just want to disappear, and forget everything, and not talk to anyone ever again. I feel so anxious, and trapped at the same time. Ideas?
    AnD, ladee and Ronin like this.
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  3. velocifero

    velocifero New Member

    I've been laid off before. I know it's not exactly the same, but it was after a hospital stay and a bunch of other stuff. Part of what helped me get back on my feet was knowing 'I'm not going to be hospitalized again.' Perhaps keeping in the back of your mind "I am not going to get mono again" would help?
    ladee likes this.
  4. Xena

    Xena Well-Known Member

    Hi @Haven.. You have done Nothing Wrong... To be shouted at, at work or anywhere is awful, humiliating and wrong. You trainer should be let go..

    Give yourself a break. You tried to work, maybe it's just not the right time. Or maybe something better will come along. Maybe your just not ready.... That's OK too.

    You are not useless, that inner critic is being hard on you.

    If you can take time.. Try in a few months. You tried. That's all we can do sometimes.. And I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

    Take care.....
    AnD, Shurinka and ladee like this.
  5. SeekingAfrica

    SeekingAfrica Well-Known Member

    I know how it feels. I can relate to some of that. I work at home for a bit now, and my parents yell constantly. It puts a lot more pressure on things. Honestly, that is when I get shaky and start making mistakes- may be it was the same for you? In any case a lot of this didn't depend on you, the flu, the mono...you did your best!

    If you can take few days-week-some time and reevaluate the situation and rest. May be you can find a better job. I had quite a rough year with almost daily desire to give up on everything because I just don't see things getting better...And yet, I'm still here. Still having a rough time, but I'm finally really trying to make a change no matter anything. You can get through this. Just rest a bit and try again. Changes are made by a lot of small moments all together. So just keep getting through each moment.
    AnD, Xena and ladee like this.
  6. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

    @SeekingAfrica , summed up our whole recovery is such a simple loving and supportive way.. "Changes are made by a lot of small moments all together".... I really hope you let those words resonate with you. Because that is how this works... gentle hugs
  7. AnD

    AnD Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. I am about to lose my job too. I have been on partial sick leave for 4 years and now I am being let go. I have started to work full time and I am falling apart.

    Try to take care of yourself, calm down, deep breathing. Grieve how horribly they treated you. Bad things happen to good people. Sorry, it was you.
    ladee likes this.
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