My father died 3 weeks ago in the middle of a rainy night. He was perfectly okay that day, went to sleep as usual but suddenly started coughing very badly for probably an hour or more. He got up and wanted to visit the doctor to seek help but suddenly collapsed in his armchair. By the time I got up to check on him, he had already passed out. I panicked, called the ambulance, did CPR as per instructed, but could not save him.
The scene flashed through my mind a thousand times. If only I had got out of my bed earlier to help him, if only I hadn't been so lazy, if only I had been a more caring daughter, if only I had done the CPR harder or in a better way, if only...if only...if only. I thought about all those mean things I said to my father before, all the promises that I haven't fulfilled, and I cry my eyes out everyday, everytime I think of my father.
My world has changed overnight. I was a happy kid, but since that day I have lost all senses of happiness. I have nothing now but mountains of regret. Even if my father forgave me, I would never be able to forgive myself. I watched my father died right before my eyes, and I couldn't save him.
I love my father, but now I'm terrified of looking at his armchair at night, I'm scared of the dark, and I shiver every time it rains at night. I wake up almost every hour in the night. During the day I have to take care of my mother who has dementia, I have to go to work, do household chores, etc. I'm exhausted. Although it has been 3 weeks, it feels like it was just 3 days ago because my heart is still in such pain that I could hardly breathe sometimes.
Time will heal, for sure, but right now I don't know how to live anymore. How could I continue my life with all the guilt and pain and loss of my beloved father? I love my mother too and I don't want to have the same regrets in the future, so I need to live to take care of her.
The scene flashed through my mind a thousand times. If only I had got out of my bed earlier to help him, if only I hadn't been so lazy, if only I had been a more caring daughter, if only I had done the CPR harder or in a better way, if only...if only...if only. I thought about all those mean things I said to my father before, all the promises that I haven't fulfilled, and I cry my eyes out everyday, everytime I think of my father.
My world has changed overnight. I was a happy kid, but since that day I have lost all senses of happiness. I have nothing now but mountains of regret. Even if my father forgave me, I would never be able to forgive myself. I watched my father died right before my eyes, and I couldn't save him.
I love my father, but now I'm terrified of looking at his armchair at night, I'm scared of the dark, and I shiver every time it rains at night. I wake up almost every hour in the night. During the day I have to take care of my mother who has dementia, I have to go to work, do household chores, etc. I'm exhausted. Although it has been 3 weeks, it feels like it was just 3 days ago because my heart is still in such pain that I could hardly breathe sometimes.
Time will heal, for sure, but right now I don't know how to live anymore. How could I continue my life with all the guilt and pain and loss of my beloved father? I love my mother too and I don't want to have the same regrets in the future, so I need to live to take care of her.