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Sufferer Lost - raped studying abroad

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aj202020

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Hi all, glad I found this. I am 31 and studying my masters abroad. A few months ago, I was raped when trying to explain to a guy why I had stopped texting and going out with him. I thought it was going to be a fast thing, but it wasn't. I didn't report it. I feel guilty for that. But here the justice system requires a second victim for any jailtime, and I would risk being stuck here for 5 years until the trials were done, if I did pursue it. At first I felt okay actually. Two weeks really sad and weak, not able to move or hold a piece of paper even. Then better somehow. Then this week or so, I start flashing back to it more. Therapy is making it worse. She doesn't do the pickle jar or some imagery to help me shelf it for the next session. And I can't seem to turn it off myself either. I just think about it. I get the picture of his face staring blankly while he did it. I can't sleep without it coming back. I have huge exams in a few days and I sit down to study only to end up crying. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am the only one who had this happened (who I know of) with an ex-boyfriend. I feel like the other cases are severe and I am getting pulled way too into this, emotionally. It is like getting over a close relative's death or losing a child. I feel so helpless and weak. And I sometimes wish I knew people who could pull strings and put him in jail for life. I dream about trying to scream for help and the sound doesn't come, just like when he did it. I sit there and don't move, just cry, if I am lucky enough to get the sound to do so. I really really need to concentrate on exams. I was sick last semester and already got all sorts of accomodations for that. This is embarrassing and personal and I don't want to ask for too much or have to relive and tell about it. And I don't want academics to just go on forever by delaying exams. Better to finish now. I have no idea how. Just that it would be better. Help! What can I do? How do you self-motivate when you feel sad and worthless, like you have no power to do it? Also, I have ADD. I have lots of coping mechanisms for that and the meds. But I have no idea how to employ them when I feel this sad. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. Thinking of trying EMDR because it helped with some other issues. But beyond that.... I am lost.
 
Welcome to the forums :)

She doesn't do the pickle jar or some imagery to help me shelf it for the next session.

When I got to this part? I thought "They've been in therapy for ADHD." Yep.

So, also speaking as someone with ADHD... You don't usually want to do that with trauma. Which is effing backwards to how I run my life, otherwise, but when you compartmentalize trauma & it becomes nuclear. Not only exploding outward at the worst possible time (truly, what tends to trigger old PTSD becoming highly symptomatic is either a new trauma, a stressor, or loss of a major coping mechanism. So just when everything goes to hell in your life? Or is supposed to be a good time? As stressors can also be things like marriage, birth, graduation, etc.; in addition to terrible things like grief, job loss, illness/injury/etc.? Oh joy. Let's add flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, suicidal depression, into the mix! Oh my! :wtf: ). Just as bad as the absolute worst it is now, as raw and painful and awful as if it had just happened... No matter how long it's been (including months and years and decades from now). But even more fun? The radiation from the nuclear compartment will sort of randomly be leaking out and f*cking up your life in countless ways. Really. Don't lock this shit in a box. Process through it. It will f*ck your life sideways for a little while, and then you'll be fine. Without a ticking time bomb in your head. It's hard. It's worth it.
 
Yes, you are lost. You sound tired, vulnerable, afraid... and a few other things I can think of.

I have rape in my background. I can identify with your imagery. It's really awful. Feels like the experience never ends. Keeps happening over and over again... side effect of PTSD. It's also very recent for you. Perhaps you haven't really gotten to the point where you can process it. Seems to me the shock of it hasn't really let go yet.

I don't know about the exams. You're probably right in that getting them over with might be the best thing to do, but do you need the extra pressure right now? or will the distraction help...

I don't think there are any specific magic wand solutions. I hear your pain and my heart really turned over reading your post.
 
I can see your post and responses were a few days ago. I am sorry. I know how hard it is to be falling apart and not be in control of pulling it together, at a critical time. Thinking of yu.
 
Hi all, glad I found this. I am 31 and studying my masters abroad. A few months ago, I was raped whe...
I have been receiving treatment with Rivastigmine and Clonidine. I have lived with PTSD for 30 years. This treatment has seen my PCL score drop from 60 down to 20. I am also studying and in my 9th year of a 3yr bachelor of psychology. I have never been able to study better. The only unfortunate thing is that I still have my social anxiety am still quite alone.
 
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