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Lost, Stuck, Frustrated

Discussion in 'General' started by DesertDweller, Sep 1, 2006.

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  1. DesertDweller

    DesertDweller Active Member

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    I had a really tough night sleeping last night. I have gotten to a point where I wake up in the middle of the night not having a clue of where I am. It is very frustrating and frightening. When I do sleep I will have nightmares, I have reoccuring one where I am in a combat zone running and when I get to a point where I stop and raise my riffle to defend myself it is not there, I usually wake shortly after.

    I think the rough night came as a result of alot of added stress and arguing last night. I had called in sick because I just felt like I would not make it through the day ( I am having more and more of those days lately), I do mortgage banking so end of month is a chaotic. I really feel that I cant function at work anymore. I cant just up and leave my job but I feel that if I dont do something about it soon it will be the end of me. I feel very very stuck and see no way out of this. On top of all that I feel that the people that are trying to be there for me only aggravate me when I really need time to cool down.

    I am fighting to be strong and deal with everything but its hard... and I feel that as time goes on I am getting more an more depressed. I am so lost!!
     
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  3. Zamboni

    Zamboni Active Member

    Don't quit.

    Hi,

    Eh this is Zamboni. All I can tell you is i understand how you feel, as I have had a few bad nights lately too. One thing that keeps me going is that I WILL NOT QUIT. Pretty profound. Feel free to use it. Keep in touch with us.

    Don't quit.

    Zam
     
  4. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Hi DD. The waking up and not knowing where you are is a huge scare for me too. I am fortunate that my dog usually appears at my bedside and brings me back to the present. Do you have any objects that you associate specifically with being at home? It might be an idea to have them near your bed. They might help you get oriented when you wake up.

    As for the work thing, maybe it's time for a break? Would that be workable for you?
     
  5. DesertDweller

    DesertDweller Active Member

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    Hey Piglet,
    it usually takes me a few minutes to realize where I am, there is nothing specific that brings me back... i just "snap" back.. its hard to explain. I wish I could take time off work, but things are so high paced that I am affraid of being replaced. Not that i love this job... but I do still need to make a living.
    Also like Zamboni said, "I will not quit", i cant... that is why I feel so stuck.
     
  6. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    We have all been LOST!!!!

    There's not one of us who haven't felt lost :eek: at one time or another....believe that if some of us could be right there with you...we would be giving you HUGS!!!! Consider yourself HUGGED!!!!! Your dream sounds really scary!!!! Just is a part of your PTSD experience!!! Many of us have felt defenseless and even as scary as your dream!!!! I was very influenced by war coverage during the war!!! Still have bad memories of it!!! I feel sad:crybaby: for you that you had to be there and go through all that HELL!!!!!!! ...wildfirewildone...Keeping the PEACE
     
  7. Anonymous1

    Anonymous1 New Member

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    One Day at a Time

    Hi DD: It does help me to take the AA pledge of: One Day at a Time. Say to yourself: I will be able to make it at work TODAY. Make that one hour at a time if necessary.

    Also in a job that can trigger me very easily, so I can relate to your situation. Some days I just congratulate myself for overcoming the "I can't do this today" and getting showered, dressed and showing up anyway. Then it goes from there...usually better, I might add, than I thought.
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Are you in counseling? I have not read all the posts so sorry if you already said. Trying to find someone to help you sort through this makes all the difference in the world, including here. This forum has done a lot for me with advice from those who have been down this road already. CBT is the form of threapy I am in and it is also a great help for me. Try to consume this board and responses to others, you will probably find things that hit home and help you out.

    I tried the guided visuals I was suggested to use to try and relax some, but I thought they were goofy as shit and don't work for me. One of them had a very soothing voice though and listening to her made me drift off pretty quick, but I still never felt rested.
     
  9. DesertDweller

    DesertDweller Active Member

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    Thank you all for your responses and support, I cant begin to tell you how much they mean to me.

    I am in counceling and it is helping a bit, but I am getting sick of the standard "take your meds" I get after every time I talk about a problem I am having. As far as the job is going, I am coming to the conclusion that it might not be for me anymore. It is becoming to hard to deal with and I dont think it is worth messing me up worst than I already am, which it is. On top of that even though I have been doing this line of work for years, I must admit I dont love what I do. It was a job that I fell into once I left the service. I am trying to look at the bright side of things and take this as a chance to do something I actually enjoy. It might take a bit more schooling or training but just might be worth it as I am sure I will be more happy and less stressed. The financial part of this whole ordeal is what really stresses me. As much torture as the job is it does pay the bills fairly well.
     
  10. carpediem2006

    carpediem2006 Active Member

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    Hi there

    Everything you say makes complete sense. The nightmares are hideous, and being told to pop pills is infuriating, as the b- all and end all solution from some doctors. Counselling can help, but so can understanding that what is happening to you is not abnormal. I used to think I was going crazy and never mentioned flashbacks, as I had trust in noone anymore, and was more or less expecting them to think I was psychotic/schizoid and 'lock me up and throw away the key'. Going through something like this is not just difficult becuase of some of the symptoms, but because we cannot see a point where some sense of normality returns.

    I am reaching there, regarding the depression you may have I realised in the end that this was not about depression as it is standardly percieved. It was a reactional depression to the fact I had amnesia, coordination problems, was dependent on the state for welfare etc. By accepting the cognitive difficulties that remain, and trying to slowly work upward, I find that I am able to accept my current status, and that it is not caused by my actions, and that I cannot simply become organised and run my life as before (yet). My impatience to improve was part of my problem.

    I found I was agitated with my first med, and that it really was not helping. As my problem was more PTS than depression (it was thought) they suggested that to improve sleep and becuase of my negative reactions to the first drug that I took Trimipramine. It apparently has less side effects although I have had a ridiculous amount of insomnia at the end of the tapering in the last couple of months.

    With regard to the nightmares, they go on for a while. I believe they are something we have to get through as the subconcious needs to get these things out. With Trimipramine they did continue, but I do think they were lessened over the period in which I really needed them.

    When I get a nightmare now (much less frequent), I tend to be able to get back to sleep more easily. It helped me, personally, to write these down after they happened to get an understanding of what I was reliving, and to try to work through to a stage where I felt the nightmare was more or less like a repetition. The same old thing, all over again. Doing that I find they lost some of their poignancy, they did not matter so much.

    Although what is happening is hideous, it will improve. I understand you do not like your job, but it might be wise to try and stick to it for a while. If possible you might want to reduce your hours temporarily, as you will not have the energy you used to, and find the job really demanding. It depends on how understanding your employer really is to what you are going through. It is very much down to the individual, some are understanding. Others are clueless and think a couple days off should solve everthing. Right now, changing careers and retraining will be quite difficult too. My employer was, well, I will just say as they were, and I am now not working, and know it will be hard to get back into employment after a long time not working.

    These factors create more indirect pressure and contribute towards depression, as financial stability of some kind is fundamental to us all.

    All the best to you.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    DD, whilst trauma exists within you, the nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation will all continue. There is one way and one way only to get rid of these aspects, trauma therapy with a good physician / therapist. Not every therapist is good at trauma therapy, even though they will tell you otherwise. If you don't feel your moving forward with a therapist, you need to find another one, one that will push you, one that will make you work, and not just be supportive to you. Support is one thing, trauma therapy is another.

    Employment is very difficult with PTSD, and I can say that from experience also. Dependant upon the severity of your PTSD at a given time, can depend upon whether or not your physically and mentally capable of performing day to day work functions. Some people can, some people can't. Its not something you can beat yourself up over, its just reality and they way each individual person copes with their own trauma and symptoms. Nobody can really give advice as to whether or not you should continue your employment, instead it is something you need to work out for yourself, in that your financial situation is a factor, we all need money coming in from somewhere whilst we deal with our problems. Good solutions above, especially in regard to Carps statement about possibly reducing your hours if possible, so you can have more time to recover and start dealing with your trauma. The longer you put off dealing with your past, the longer you prolong recovery and ability to perform work at a fully functional capacity. Can you tailor your work to even work for yourself, so you set the hours of your work?

    DD, spouses, family and those that care about us are only trying to help, though they are just as lost as we often are on exactly what to do. This generally ends up in an argument, with nothing really sustained. We with PTSD can abuse our rights for "calming down" time, by often bringing it up so often that we may as well not have anyone that loves us, so be careful you don't abuse this. Spouses and family need to educate themselves about PTSD, and how to cope with you in regard too it, however; you need to also educate yourself in healing, getting back to an emotional level of understanding, and rebuilding your relationships with spouses, family and friends. We with PTSD are often the ones in the wrong when it comes to relationships, because we lose the ability to cope and handle emotional support. It is natural, but you need to understand that it is often us who are the one's that need to fix ourselves, and not our spouses, family and friends that need to adapt to our way of life.

    DD, you need to stop beating yourself up about things now, because you are only going to make yourself worse. How do you do this? Well, what you need to realise is that what is happening to you, you actually have little control over initially. I say initially, because you have so many symptoms now starting to appear, you really probably don't know which way to turn, where to start, or even what to start with. You are now beginning to experience the full extent of PTSD, even though you have attempted to suppress it with workaholism... you are now finding out, that method sucks, and it doesn't work, nor will medication, alcohol or drugs. None of them will make you better, not one.

    There is one way past PTSD DD, and one way only, facing your trauma, talking about every single trauma you have, coming to terms with your trauma, and no longer fearing your trauma. When you successfully do all this, you have very little residual symptoms afterwards... only minor symptoms to learn how to control, then some major relearning in socialising and relationships... which take years learning how to rebuild.

    We often think that leaving our partners, leaving our family and friends is the solution, to only turn around months or years after, and kick ourselves so hard for pushing away everyone that loved us, and actually cared for us. Its a fine line, one that you need to be mindful off at all times. I can see from your post that you are experiencing relationship difficulties, and what you need to learn now, is it is us who has changed, not those around us. Sorry is such an easy word to say, and powerful... if used appropriately, you will help yourself to improve your relationships, you will help yourself to evaluate and discuss social and relationship inadequacies, and at the end of the day, you will help yourself become close to the person you once where, and in fact, often a much improved version than before, because you have learnt to cope, analyse and look at emotions where you would never have learnt such skills before. Be good to yourself, be better to those around us who just love us and are trying to help... they really don't understand unless we talk with them about what we need, what they need, and more importantly, communicate common ground and reasoning.
     
  12. DesertDweller

    DesertDweller Active Member

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    Thank you again for support and understanding..

    My therapist specializes in working with vets with PTSD and also has a spouse with PTSD so I feel she can relate. If she didnt keep pushing the pills down my throught I would be tons happier.

    I have been thinking about my job, its a matter of fact I cant get it off my mind even when I try sometime. I tried the workaholism thing for a few months but just added to all my problems. I was working from 6:00 AM to about 7:00 PM damn near daily and dont feel I was appreciated at all. Working in an environment where you can be bagged for just about anything and being on the management side I see alot of people beeing treated unfairly and all the politics involved in the corporate world makes me very very paranoid. I dont think my employer would be too understanding, as we have lost two manager types in the last year to high stress, one filed a dissability claim and the other was fired for performance. So all in all I think it would be all or nothing in this case. Unfortunately I dont have all to give. I feel like I dont have much of a choice but to maybe take a leave of absence of something of that sort. With that I think I would beat myself up for failing. I would be failing my family and myself for not being the provider I need to be. Granted I do take into consideration that if I dont fix myself that I might worsen my condition and do more damage overall than If I were to fix myself now. On that same note I do undertand that my health is paramount in this... life has a way of being so simple and complicated all at the same time.
     
  13. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    It's not failing DD, although I know exactly where you are coming from.

    This says it all really, and I get the feeling that you are starting on the road of accepting this. Have you talked through the consequences with your family?
     
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