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Love An Emotional Trigger?

Discussion in 'General' started by dazednconfused, Nov 15, 2006.

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  1. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    When you have PTSD, could someone saying they love you be an emotional trigger? My husband told me not to say I love him anymore and that it made his heart rate rise and a headache come on. Why would saying you love someone make this happen?

    We are separated right now, but I just wanted him to know that I still care for him and that I will be there for him in any way possible. He just keeps saying he is doing what is best for us.....

    What should I say to him when he does talk to me? It seems anything I say is an "emotional trigger" right now. I just try to leave him alone as much as possible, but this is so hard right now.

    Thanks for input. God bless!
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    If he is apart from you right now and saying he wants a divorce or so on... The heart rate and headache is probably him just getting pissed off you are not listening to what he asked you to stop doing... You get pissed, try to restrain yourself, and that is the making for an instant tension headache and I have never gotten pissed and my heart rate not shot up with it.

    The neediness while he is making it clear he needs space is probably making him crawl the walls. Not triggers, you are just pissing him off it sounds like.

    Try saying nothing. We don't need or want our problems fixed and the best support you can give if you want to support is just listen when he comes to you. Simply listen, do not talk, just let him vent, do not take bait at a fight, just shhhh. And if he needs space respect that as it has been made more than clear sometimes that is a need we have and not a damn thing any one can do about it except give it when needed.

    It is normal for wives to not be able to give that space or prod and just not listen quietly. Like it is normal our husbands get pissed we can't be fixed like a chair, but are better at giving space and not doing the whole "we need to talk" thing. Some of these are common themes here.

    If he will not come here then we can't help much except to tell you this might be what is in his head. But if he is not here we have no idea. If he is seeing a doctor for this there really is not much you can do except worry about you.

    But if you do not step back and give the guy some breathing room when he comes to you he will never open up. He will just close up harder, this isn't something you can push when they are crashing. Some times it is painful to watch but they need to fall on their own ass to figure it out. If you are still around to give him a hand up great. All the spouses here have done that and everyone of them will tell you they wish they could just kick us square in the ass when it happens.
     
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  4. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    Wow

    Thanks for the input. I have decided already to give him is "space", but he usually finds some "reason" he has to come over here of something he has to ask me, etc..

    It is like he wants his cake and eat it too kinda thing. He wants to know I am here when he wants me to be here and that I am handling all the responsibility.

    Well I love the silly guy and will be there for him if I can. The only thing that is going to put a klinker in this picture/story is if he brings another woman in. I don't know that I could handle that sort of thing.

    I think right now he just likes threatening me with the "divorce" thing. I mean if he wants one that badly, why will he not just go and "file" and get it over with already. Quit trying to hold that over my head.

    I am going on with my life and taking care of my child and if he decides he wants to be a part of that fine, if not, then I wish him the best in life, but I hope that he realizes one day what I and our child has went through.

    Thanks again for all the input.

    God bless!!!! Hope you have a great day!!:smile:
     
  5. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Hey dazed. I don't know your husband very well, but I reacted similarly. I do think that those words can trigger something. For me, when I was through all the crap, I did not feel as if I deserved anything. I didn't deserve my family, my job, this house, the air I breathed. So when my hub tells me after a hellish day that he still loves me, it breaks my heart. It makes my heart race, and I get all sweaty. A part of me is disgusted with him because it's like, "how stupid are you!??!! I'm crabby, I'm bitchy, and I don't do anything, and you still love me????" Then there's another part of me that just aches because this person just might be the one person that is loving me the way I've always yearned. And if I accept this love, how much would it hurt if it was taken away? It's so complicated....

    You've talked about him not taking responsibility. Has he always been like that? Or is it more noticeable since he been suffering? For months while I was bad, I did not have any responsibility. Even if I had to take care of the kids during the day, most days they did not get fed. They rummaged through the pantry. I made sure that granola bars and treats were within reach. I nursed both of them because that meant I could do it from bed. I did not clean, I did not work, I did nothing. It was an accomplishment to shower. With all of this in mind, it's hard to tell whether this "laziness" is part of his ptsd, or if it's because he's being a jerk. It could be both.

    While he needs to make the decision and commitment to heal, you may have to hold up the house while he does it. If he feels like he can't do that, I think I would do the same thing he did. I'd leave the house and stay somewhere else where I wouldn't have to feel so guilty all the time.

    Has he done this or acts like he wants to? Has he threatened this? If he has, then that needs to be addressed. But if not, don't think about it. You're worrying about something that hasn't even happened.

    I agree. If he keeps coming back to ask questions etc., he's making sure you're still there but at a comfortable distance. You've made it clear you're there for him. Now step back and do your best going about your life. The ball is in his court now.

    I do wish he'd come talk with us. We'd have a better idea.

    Just hold on dazed. It's hard for us to express what ptsd is like for someone else and it's probably even harder for a non ptsd'er to understand it. I don't think it's possible. No one that hasn't been through it can understand it. Keep us posted.
     
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Nam, I am not so sure I would call that a trigger though. A self esteem issue, yes; as with the PTSD we have that issue of self esteem a lot. Lord I still have a lot of days of go get in the shower is a celebration to be held. I know I am not lazy, I can look at so much work I have done with 4 kids and how hard I busted my ass to raise them, jobs I had, and what I have built and worked on around the farm... Remembered I used to have a spotless house, manicured lawn... But now? Get me out of PJs and cleaned up. Well the baby is fed and we read books and now she has a ton of jammies so she can dress like mom all day (good grief). Right now that is life. It is better though.

    I do stupid shit and get beyond pissed and had a field day with my bat in the home, was he mad? noooo. He held me, cried and said he loved me. I had the same thoughts, what kind of dumbass are you to love someone like this? The crappy dinners that are instant now? My condition causing us to move cross country. Not things that boost people up. Why does he love me?:dontknow: Ask him...

    Another woman is not excusable but I have seen a lot of that happen with guys and PTSD being asses and I am sur they feel horrible now.

    But if he is waltzing in out of the house boundries need to be set in place AND enforced. He can come at such and such times on a certain day. Show him it is him needing you not visa versa. But you are not shutting him out all the way like that. He has to make a choice to come home and start to work on getting his act together or leave. Want to say you love him? Well, don't during those alloted times he is allowed over. Just tell him I love you even though you are still acting like a royal horse's ass on his way out when leaving, not the mushy I love you and miss you baby... And shut the door. He comes back a knocking tell him he can think about it until his next alloted visit. Let him have sometime to swallow it.

    Sorry but sometimes you are going to have to grow a pair if he is running off and saying he wants a divorce.

    Will it hurt, well of course. Is it best? Probably. But I was MIA in my home for a month or so maybe? I lost it but I did not know it was PTSD at the time. I just flipped out, now I have education on this on my side, he needs that too. I did not know what the hell was going on in me and I was beyond getting ready to hurt people as I had zero patience, I still have very little but more. Progress is a snails pace. You have to go months and look back to see the little changes.

    And he will realize what he put ya'll through. I am willing to lay money on he already does and a major part of the whole get away from you, but can't let go.
     
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    In some of my very dark past PTSD days when my lover would tell me he loved me, I would feel pissed off, fed up and bullsh*#, because at that time I'd been being slammed again and again with PTSD symptoms that I felt so utterly useless and helpless. I was filled with self-loathing, so to be told I was loved, sickened, frightened and put me on a horrific guilt-trip. I thought like this person must be a fool or pathetic to love me. That was my extent of self-hatred though it had little to nothing to do with reality. Though I haven't thought and felt to this extreme in ages, I share it, bc I don't want to forget, as then perhaps no good will come from having lived it.

    dazednconfused, I know he's not a lover, he's your husband, and I know I don't know your husband at all, I only share this because it's all I have to share and if he's depressed and experiencing self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness and guilt, anything that contradicts how he maybe feeling, and provides him with hope and invites responsibilities, might very well agitate and bring on a headache of sorts. And, his saying, don't ever say you love me anymore, may express more of how he's been feeling and less of a permanent thing, provided he seeks and finds the help that he needs.

    PTSD certainly darkens and blackens the minds of those with it at times. So building and taking care of yourself and child, having faith that no matter what happens the two of you will get through it together, and providing space and time sounds like it might help.

    But, having said this I love the help Veiled and Nam offered you.

    P.S. Wow! Seeing with my own two eyes veiled and nams effort to be supportive and help you, has helped me. People are good!

    Best to you dazednconfused.
     
  8. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Wow great responses from everyone. I enjoyed reading. I just have a tiny bit to add.

    For me, someone saying "I love you" is a major trigger, because my father said that to me just before he shot me. However, my situation is obviously different... I don't really think saying "I love you" would be a trigger for most people. Maybe a self-esteem issue as was mentioned or simply a desire to be left alone. Me, I absolutely loathe people caring and being concerned about me, asking how I am, etc, when I need space.
     
  9. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    batgirl, agreed with you that would be a major trigger for you as it is directly related to your trauma.
     
  10. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    Wow, thanks you guys...

    I wish I could send him this thread, but it might actually tick him off even more. Oh well. I am just going to hang in there and pray for him. I love him with all my heart. He is a good guy really and was not like this at all before the Lexapro and before he was told he had PTSD. We could not stand to be apart and even if it was only touching each other's feet together in the bed at night for comfort to each other, we had to share that. There were times when we both did not feel good, but always had to touch or hold or comfort each other and he can't even stand the sound of my voice now or stand my touch, so it is so hard for me, because I crave his affection and unconditional love like it was pre-this-crisis.

    I will just have to be patient and let him have his space. He did go see a girl right before he left me, but he said they were just "friends". He has always had friends and I have always been a very jealous person, because he would compare the way I looked to them or the way I was built to them, just to get a rise in me I think, because it would boost his ego. He has always told me that he did not know what a beautiful woman like me would want with him. I did not realize he felt that way and I don't think that I am that beautiful myself, so just thought he was kidding. Maybe he was not...., with what you guys said above if he really feels this way, then he probably would feel like he did not deserve me as he told me before he left. I just want him to as the song says "get over it"... I know it is not that simple and I have an appointment for later this month with a psychologist and have been chatting on here and on the counseling line from where I work and everyone has the same answer to just wait it out and see, but it is so hard financially and also to look into my son's eyes and now my husband says he may give up his parental rights. I do not want that at all. I hope I have some say in that and the court does not just let him sign him away. Not that I don't love my child, but how hard is that going to be on my child to not have his daddy even in his life a little bit anymore.

    It is just a lot on me right now and I work two jobs and then there is BB practice and Art class and this and that and so on and my house looks horrific right now as I don't get much done with work and feeling so out of sorts myself. I am a tough lady though and I know it and so does my husband. He only manipulated me when he was here, because I let him and I love him so much, but if he is not going to live here and he thinks he is goint to push me around in the divorce, then he is "CRAZY". He will not walk away without paying something if I can help it. Not that I want to stick it to him, but he does have that responsibility. He helped to make these bills and he is going to help pay these bills if I can have a say in it and I am sure I will. I just hate to have to go to court and all. You end up tearing each other down so much, or really the lawyers tear you both down and you say things you ordinarily would not and the family is mad then and it is just hard to bridge over those gaps and ever get back together. He keeps saying to me divorce is not permanent and we can get back together later if it is supposed to be, that he just has to have that divorce for peace. He will have no peace until he gets it. Of course he has not filed for one yet either though.... I think he just likes spouting off about it to get me riled up or something. I am not fighting with him. If he wants a divorce big boy, let him go and file and let the games begin as they say, because really that is what it is a game with you as the pons in play so to speak and the lawyers are making moves and counteracting moves, etc...

    I will just have to wait and most of all pray and see.... It is just so hard....

    Ya'll pray for a friend of mine. He has been hiking in the mountains and I just got word they are having to send someone after his group. They think they may have hypothermia! Oh, just another thing to have to think about. When will this nightmare end....? :dont-know :music:
     
  11. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I seriously think a threat to sign a child over is an attempt to save the child from him. May not make sense to you but those of us who are parents in our darkest hours could relate, I can understand the way of thinking anyway. I may not have been off as bad as batgirl's dad with this but I think her father by shooting her was trying to save her because he did love her. Bad and horrible and inexcusable but that may have been exactly his thought process at the time. All he did though was pass this on. If our brains rationalized things all the time in the same manner as a normal person all on our own they would not call this a disorder.

    Besides the information section here you may want to get the book "I Can't Get Over It", seemed to jump out since you mentioned "Get Over It". It is refered to by many who have it as a bible. My son and husband both read it and it gives them a better insight. My mom I had to speak with seems to strangely be coming around today and asked for a book title, I gave her this one so she can learn as she seems to finally be accepting I do have a disabling disorder I am busting my ass to tame. Maybe it is because I have to move cross country for care now making her think OK maybe this is not a crock of shit...
     
  12. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    I agree with Veiled:
    This is such a crappy situation. We really can't tell you what to do. I do want you to know that more than likely, he will never be the same again. The man that you once knew is gone. The man that you love, is it him now or then, or both? Such tough questions. Basically, it comes down to this: Do what you got to do.

    Keep us posted.
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I would say it has more to do with his irrational thought patterns he would currently have, opposed to any real significance in the term itself. To say the words are a trigger, would have to related directly to the trauma itself, as batgirl stated in regard to hers. That is relevant... opposed to just clutching at straws and making excuses for irrational thoughts and behaviour.

    I would say it is more to do with his current emotional state, and that he really just doesn't know what to do with the words, how to interpret them, feel them or even understand them anymore. It is part of PTSD with agoraphobia and other issues that draw us away from others, which also entails issues with acceptance, positive comments and so forth. Self esteem has a lot to do with it in the mix.
     
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