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Love or being in love

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Akhos

MyPTSD Pro
I am contemplating leaving my marriage of almost 12 years, as well, we just have nothing in common anymore. Sex life is virtually non existent, we have no interests, every day seems like a massive mission, we pretty much avoid each other, two people living under the same roof going in different directions (even before PTSD raised its fangs and bit into it), we dont communicate, and truth be told, I never married her because I loved her, I married her so that I wouldnt lose my son, I did what I believed was honourable at the time. I married her telling myself that I will leave when my kids are old enough. So I know the marriage wasnt built on love, and I know thats not being fair to her either.

Unfortunately, as a result of my intepretation of things, I have also been unfaithful which chucks an extra layer of confusion into the mix.

I was doing a bit of reading (Im an analytical kind of person and I need information to make sense of things around me), what is the difference between loving someone and actually being in love? I know what the internet says, I am curious what those, on both sides of the field, opinions are. So, loving someone or being in love with them. Same thing or different?
 
Loving someone stands the test of time. It's respect, wanting that person's welfare and not doing things that get in the way of that. It's being able to see them and honour them for who they are. It's patient and kind. Love endures and sacrifices when there is a need for that.

Being in love is limerance to start with, but can grow into Loving, when there is respect, appreciation, growth, authenticity, commitment to your own inner being and supporting the other to do the same.

If you are in love, you can fall out of love, because True Love is inside you, rather than you being in it. It starts with being honest and having compassion and that can only happen from the inside out.
Can you do the loving thing that honours yourself? Choose a life of authenticity? If you hide your true feelings how can they see the real you? And if they can't see you how can they respect you? It takes courage to be truthful and without truthfulness how can there be respect? And without respect, where is love? They is no loving relationship without honesty and trust. There can be love from afar but not a loving relationship.
Love is something that grows and builds and develops the more you commit to being authentic and compassionate, IMO.
 
For me? I think "being in love" is a myth because when we think we are "in love", we are actually in the infatuation stage. The newness of a relationship where the other person makes us feel goose bumps and that butterfly feeling in the pit of our stomach when they enter a room or look in our eyes. It's the stage where you truly don't see the full person in front of you.

Then there's true love where you love a person (don't always like them), in their ugliest state. When life is throwing curve balls at you so fiercely but you still hang on. It's loving someone in the pits of hell. Love is NOT a feeling . . . Love is something you do. Sometimes putting your feelings aside for them.

The world we now live in tells us that it's all about us. It's become "it's all about me world" and that's not live. Love isn't easy, it's down right hard. It's taking responsibility of your own actions for the good of the other. It's not self satisfaction, it's sometimes self sacrificing. It's putting someone else's needs above your own. Everyone can fall in love (which never lasts) but only a few can truly love because it takes a lot of hard work.
 
Yes, “in love” is just infatuation IMHO. I loved my ex. Still love him. But he fell in love with me fast and out of love with me fast. To me that’s not true/real love. Once I love someone, that feeling doesn’t go away. I always love them and want the best for them, even if it’s not with me or I can’t have them in my life. In other words, I still love my ex. Anyone I’ve loved I still love on one level or another.

Love is an action. Stick with this premise and you’re golden.

ETA according to my premise, my ex still has love for me. God knows he’d never admit it. Every day his actions show genuine care and concern for my well being. See how it can get f*cked up pretty fast?
 
Eros, Amos, Filios.

Romantic. Friends. Brotherly/ Family.

3 very different kinds of love.

***

“In love” to me, just means Eros. Passionate/Romantic love. Whether it’s the first blush or rush of new love, lust, or infatuation... or the solid deep and core strong of well established love? Shrug. Doesn’t specify. It’s just English trying to differentiate in its clumsy way.

Sex life is virtually non existent, we have no interests, every day seems like a massive mission, we pretty much avoid each other, two people living under the same roof going in different directions
You have a seriously badass list of priorities in what you want in a partner right here ^^^

(If you don’t see it? Flip it around.)

You ALSO are describing a lack of Eros, & Amos. It doesn’t sound like you’re lovers or friends. How much you’re family? I can’t tell. Could be a floodgate or a dripping faucet.
 
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Agree with @Friday on those different kinds of love.

For me, “being in love” is about romantic love - though I don’t really like that term as it makes me cringe a bit! - ie you are in love with a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse etc and the feeling and experience of that is different to what you would feel for a friend or relative etc who you care deeply for or love.

For me, “being in love” doesn’t only exist as infatuation or early lust or in the honeymoon period early on in a romantic relationship and I don’t feel that “being in love” is a transitional stage that grows into “proper true love”. My partner and I are been together for 19 years and I love her and am in love with her. Both things are true and there isn’t really a difference between them. For me, “being in love” with her is not a giddy, shallow, impulsive, immature, naive phase where we don’t really know or see each other. I love her and am in love with her because we really know and really see each other and accept each other warts and all.

I guess sex/physical attraction appears in romantic love but not with other kinds of love. And, of course, sex/physical attraction doesn’t have to involve love at all. But I suppose the issue of sex/attraction is often part of a distinction between romantic love and other love and maybe between “being in love” and simply loving. So, if sexual desire fades in a relationship, I can imagine some people would say “I still love him/her but am not in love with them anymore” - because the relationship has maybe changed to more of a friendship as the physical side of the relationship is no more. I’m not sure about this for myself. There have been times of sexual hiatus in my relationship but I would say we were still in love with each other even though sex was absent from our relationship. The lack of sex wasn’t about not finding each other attractive anymore though - it wasn’t really about how we actually felt about each other. Maybe if that had been the case, it would have been different and we wouldn’t have felt “in love with” each other anymore?

I guess I love some family members and some friends. That doesn’t mean I want to see them every day, live with them, share myself and my life and my bed with them. There is something in that difference, that thing that makes my partner special out of all those other people, that makes me want to share myself and my life with her and vice versa. And it’s that which means that we love each other and are in love with each other.

Hmm...it’s a hard thing to articulate, I think. And I don’t think there’s a clear answer as we will all have our own take based on our own interpretation and experience. But, as @Friday said, I don’t think it sounds like there is romantic love between you and your wife or the love of friendship either. It sounds to me that you neither love her or are in love with her and that that has always been the way - you married her because you thought it was the honourable thing to do at the time and to keep your son, not because you loved her or were in love with her and it sounds like that hasn’t changed.

Do you feel that she loves/is in love with you?
 
Agree with @Friday on those different kinds of love.

For me, “being in love” i...

I pretty agree much with all this @barefoot . I am "in love" with my partner and Love him as well, and we are past the limerance stage. It's been 7.5 years. So it's not just lust and hormones and infatuation. It's deep care, compatibility, integrity and maturity too, I think.
 
Personally, I think love is a choice and in the case of marriage, it is a choice that you both have to make. Try listing what works, what you admire, what activities you do together, what common interests you could develop together etc. It will take both of you to go from choosing to love each other and working on it and then falling in love is possible.

When you enter a relationship with a long term plan of leaving, the relationship doesn't really stand much of a chance. Both parties need to enter the relationship with the goal of making it work and work well for both parties.
 
I am contemplating leaving my marriage of almost 12 years, as well, we just have nothing in common anymor...
Doesn't sound to me like there's any reason to end it. Sounds to me there's reason to work on it. In my opinion love is an action. Love is doing for somebody else before yourself. ( Obviously in healthy ways) love is sacrifice. It will never be a roses and rainbows. There will be seasons of "no interest" that you will have to work on. Hollywood is not going to show you what love is so never look there.


I meant to say all roses and rainbows
 
I never married her because I loved her, I married her so that I wouldnt lose my son, I did what I believed was honourable at the time. I married her telling myself that I will leave when my kids are old enough. So I know the marriage wasnt built on love, and I know thats not being fair to her either.

I feel sorry for her right now based on your reasons for committing to her.

I believe that love is a choice too. My husband and I were in lust with each other when we married and did not know each other very well.

But over the years we did commit to each other in our marriage and our love really blossomed and deepend over time gradually. Love is the decison to be there for another person and to try to build them up as a person and try not to tear them down.

It is faithful commitment and the choice to want the best for the partner in everything and to encourage the partner to be fully themselves.

It is a dedication to become a team and work well together and build on all of the good potential.

I am sorry that you are in a loveless marriage with no hopes and I think that you will learn after you leave so many things about yourself. It is not fair to your wife at all. I am sad that this is the status quo for you both currently.

My husband of thirty six years of marriage finally died of dementia about five years ago and I do miss and love him still. I think real true love is timeless and nothing can kill it. I do hope that you will find true love.
 
I think we can all only speak from our own experience @Zoogal

By “romantic love” I simply meant to differentiate the kind of love you feel for your partner rather than love you might feel for a friend or a family member. I wasn’t meaning anything about being romantic or the trappings of romance.

As I said, I've been with my partner for 19 years - we moved in together really quickly and we have been married for almost half that time. So, my post was simply some sharing my experience of love in a long term relationship.

I love my partner and I am in love with her. And, actually, I do still get butterflies.

Being in a relationship together has never felt like something either of us has felt we need to work at. We’ve talked about this several times together - how we get a bit perplexed when other people talk about relationships/marriage being hard work and requiring huge effort. For us, it hasn’t ever really felt hard or been an effort. Perhaps we are just lucky?

Your last post kinda reads like you think you know more than me about love and sustaining a relationship. I think we just have different experiences. It’s not really a thread where we need to try to make other people wrong, I don’t think?
 
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