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General Love Through Actions

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Peach

MyPTSD Pro
Some other posts recently have touched on "love language." For many years I've found this to be an interesting and special topic because my parents, who were married for forty-something years, are now divorced. I had a very happy childhood along with my siblings; no one is perfect and all families are "weird" in their own ways, but there weren't any huge scandals or revelations. Anyway, the divorce came as a shock! We all thought they would be together forever, but after that came out it was clear to look back and see that the marriage was never very... affectionate. They loved each other, but it was perhaps more a thing of convenience between two somewhat selfish people whose deep, truly loving connection (if there ever was one) had died long ago.

The example they set for me/us (my sister agrees) as a married couple was one that was not playful or spontaneous. There didn't seem to be a bone deep love or care beyond making sure that the other was clothed, fed, sheltered, and in physically good health after an accident. They were friends with benefits...but not even great friends, at that.

In my adult dating years, I have seen and felt for myself that this is not the way a relationship has to be. You can be thoughtful, caring, and considerate of your partner. Have tickle fights and be funny. Do stupid voices and sing to each other. Have entire conversations without saying a single word. You can show how much you care by doing small actions.

My sister is very lucky indeed. She found a man who worships the ground she walks on. They hug every time they reunite after a day apart. They give a quick little peck on the lips when one leaves the room. They sleep apart due to his too noisy sleep apnea machine and snoring, but she tucks him in every night.

I, too, have been treated like a princess, but I'll admit that due to the fact that it's a long distance relationship, it hasn't yet progressed to include some of the actions above - if it ever would - that depends on the individuals involved. What he has done for me thus far suggests that he is a soul who enjoys giving and receiving physical affection. He told me that he used to braid his ex-wife's hair, which I feel is a unique and loving gesture.

So what about you? Was there ever a relationship that you viewed from the outside or were involved in (perhaps now) where the love and care and nurturing was so evident that it practically manifested itself in an ethereal glow? I don't mean over the top gross PDA, but simple actions that scream "this person really matters to that person." Is that something you want? Something you think you'll ever find? Is it once in a lifetime?
 
This is something I have been thinking about a lot recently.

I wonder if, as a child that grew up feeling unloved, whether as an adult any amount of love will fill that hole?

My vet was extremely affectionate in the beginning, told me that he could see that I hadn't had much in the way of TLC in my life and promised that he would remedy that. For the first time in my life I actually felt loved. How could I not fall for him?

Of course, as our relationship continued his PTSD caused the familiar push and pull. I think he loves me, but much like I love my old slippers - they're comfortable. Would he miss me if I left? Probably, but he wouldn't be gutted. He's flat out told me that he's lost so many people close to him that he's not affected in the same way anymore.

I adore him. I would be devastated if I lost him. I worry about how I will cope if he passes away before me. I worry about how I will cope if we ever split up. I would like to be adored back. But I think this is my issue not his.
 
Yes! Soulmates is a very good term!

Sighs, that is a tough one. Our PTSDers are quite the conundrum - they give us the highest of highs and lowest of lows. It's the nature of the beast and the incredible person that gets taken hostage by it from time to time.

He would be devastated if something happened to you. He may not want to think so or he can pretend that he really is not as attached to you as he is, but when the shit hits the fan, emotions have a mind of their own. In the meantime, he's just trying to protect himself.

Try not to borrow trouble. If you don't see a breakup or illness on the horizon, try not to stress out over it. There are plenty of other things that probably need your attention - no need to go inventing things.:hug:
 
Thats rough peach and I'm sorry your family is going through that. I wonder why my parents are still married, but I think it's because my dad realizes how insecure/high anxiety my mum has and would feel bad now and felt obligated while we were growing up. I think their relationship is more mutual benefit/friendship/couldn't afford to live on their own.

I like to think my hubby and I are 'soulmates,' but sometimes I wonder and sometimes I think there's many people out there that could be good mates. There are lots of little things he does that shows me he loves me. It could be a look on his face or just the way he says something. The way we're able to communicate shows he cares and loves me. It's hard to earn his trust and to be as honest as we are with each other and bare our souls sometimes, I find comforting and reminds me of the bond we hold. We're not touchy-feely all the time because he has sensitivity issues from the sexual abuse as a child and being bullied in school, and sometimes I just get hot and don't really want to be touched/smothered, but if I need a hug or he sees it in my face I'm feeling poopy, I'll get a long embrace or we'll go to sleep with a leg overlapping or just some part of us is touching/connecting. It's all the little things he does that haven't changed since we were dating, like the inside jokes, holding the door open, after he has a bad day/week it's recognizing my struggles too, and that is greatly appreciated.

I like the idea behind this post and I think I'm going to try and highlight some of these things in my journal so on bad days, maybe it'll make them a little easier to keep ground and make it through.
 
@Peach - I know I shouldn't borrow trouble, but I also feel like I need to prepare myself for it.

The fact is, he is ten years older than me. He has had malaria, dengue fever and ross river fever. He rides ex-racehorses over rough ground at night without wearing a helmet. He goes on solo hunting trip into the mountains in Winter. And some days when he is feeling low he is passively suicidal. I worry.

I don't think we fight often, but almost every time we do he either threatens or suggests that we end it. I don't feel secure in the relationship at all. Again, I worry.

I strive for zen calm and living in the moment, but my life experience has taught me that shit happens. And it happens to me, as well as to other people. Sigh!
 
Wow @Peach - this is such an insightful thread, thank you for posting!

I'm sorry that your parents are divorced - I know I'd be shocked if mine split up.

Relationships are such unique things - no two are the same. Take my relationship with my ex - he was OTT loving and affectionate, and wanted to be with me ALL the time, but still lied and cheated behind my back as well! We fought like cats and dogs all the time and there were times when he turned into an absolute monster (as in, he was so threatening that I was afraid of him).

When we broke up, a lot of people were surprised and upset. SO MANY people thought we had the perfect relationship. You wot?! I couldn't believe that they thought that, when so much of my time with him was just awful.

Now take my current relationship. My guy is a sweet, caring person, and most of the time, we lead a very peaceful existence.But I have never felt more insecure in my life as I do in this relationship. We cuddle and kiss, but PTSD creates a gulf between us where intimacy is concerned, and he is so susceptible to stress that he is having difficulty with just the day-to-day of living with me. Similar to what @Sighs has said - we rarely argue, but each time we do, he seems to get closer to wanting to break up. At the moment, he is telling me he's close to his limit. I feel like I'm on thin ice - one wrong step and he will end it (the relationship).

I though I was really important to him, but it's been a long time he's said anything like that.

Honestly, I want to have a soulmate - I think everyone does. But I do think that our aspirations for love are, on the whole, unrealistic. Yes, I want to be adored, but I also accept that relationships are hard, and that I need to adjust my expectations. I know now that no-one is going to sweep me off my feet and make me feel loved as deeply as I crave to be. That is never going to happen. Why? Because I am the only person who can fill the hole in my heart.

Sorry, I got a bit off-track there, but what I mean to say is that how we feel about love and relationships has less to do with whether someone might be your soulmate, and more to do with how much both people (and it must be both) choose to put into nurturing what they have.
 
All very good points from both of you. The fairy tale relationships are extremely rare at the best of times and PTSD does throw a huge monkey wrench into things. There is an emotional chasm that is directly opposite of the soulmate mentality. Perhaps I'm naive about what my guy is capable of because I can't even make it official (even without lables) with him yet. And I know it's often 2 steps forward 5 steps back with PTSD. Could be that if I could get him over the hump he would be that fantastic, attentive man I want, but that could fall be the wayside as he got more comfortable with me and my presence became routine and less distracting from his stressors. I hope not, but that certainly could be the case.

That's very strange about your ex, @Wastinglight . How can someone care or pretend to care so much and still be a cheater? That's awful. You must have been blindsided.

That is a lot going on, physically, with your man @Sighs . I'm sorry about all that. Some things are out of his control and others aren't, but neither are easy to deal with. I can understand why you'd worry, especially since both men use the threat of walking away when things get to be too much for them. Tater did that once and I nipped it in the bud...only time will tell if he'll resort to a low blow like that again. I hope not, it's not nice and isn't fighting fair. It's the equivalent of "Don't disagree with me or else" and that is no way to resolve issues.

I picture relationships/ your significant other as a flower. They need constant care and attention to look their best. Just the right amount of sun, water, the right type of soil, prunning, no bugs...and everyone knows plants are happier when you talk to them. ;) You can't take things for granted, the relationships will sail along okay for a bit without paying it any attention, but it will die if it is ignored for too long.
 
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That's very strange about your ex, Link Removed . How can someone care or pretend to care so much and still be a cheater? That's awful. You must have been blindsided.

Yes I was. I do believe that he really did love me (unless he was a sociopath, but hard to know), so I have been completely unable to reconcile how someone could be the "perfect" partner in many respects, and a terrifying a**hole in others, and it is the reason why I struggle with trusting people now - to the point that it almost feels like a phobia!

I picture relationships/ your significant other as a flower. They need constant care and attention to look their best.

Yes, I agree. I think the sooner a person can get the idea of "the one", "the fairytale ending", "the knight in shining armour" and all that idealistic crap out their heads, the sooner they will be able to see people and relationships for what they really are - fallible and imperfect, but also a previous gift that should be treasured.
 
Yes I was. I do believe that he really did love me (unless he was a sociopath, but hard to know), s...
One of the issues I've struggled hardest with the loss of my husband was that he was a serial cheater. Not in the traditional sense, but always online. We had a marriage that everyone was envious of, rarely fought, good kids, best of friends. He was my friend, and I his, in the deepest way I think a person can be. I thought. I never doubted him, not even once.

Then I got an email from one of his girlfriends, after he broke up with her after two years. To say I was crushed doesn't even...

And yet, he was still my friend, we each other's biggest supporters. He found other women online, and hid it from me, until just a few months before he died.

The conflict of love, betrayal, friendship, and loyalty are a major part of why I just cannot trust another partner right now. How does one even begin to parse that? Did he love me, really? And be capable of THAT?

Not trying to hijack thread, sorry. Just wanted to say, you aren't alone in the confusion, and the phobia of trusting. Mostly I feel that I don't trust my own judgment or ability to correctly assess a person. If I couldn't do that with someone I knew for 27 years? Aww jeez
 
One of the issues I've struggled hardest with the loss of my husband was that he was a serial cheater....

Hi @AnnaLost. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You're the first person I've met who has had a similar experience though, so it helps to know that I'm not alone.

Yes, you've captured my feelings perfectly. When someone does that, it throws everything I once believed into question. And your'e quite right - the biggest problem is that I don't trust my own judgement now - how can I, when I've been duped so completely? My fear is not even about being cheated on, specifically - rather, I am fearful of being deceived, being taken for a fool. I swore off relationships for a while because I felt like I didn't have my own back. Now I am hypervigilant to any possible sign of deceit in my new partner. I sometimes accuse him of playing up on me over the smallest detail, the most insignificant change in his routine. It's taking it's toll on the relationship. He knows I find it difficult to trust him, and he says he's paying the price for my what my ex did, but what can I say? It's hard to explain, and it's ever harder to ignore my brain when it's screaming "Run, RUN!!!" every 5 seconds!
 
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