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Loving Myself

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WillyKat

MyPTSD Pro
I've finally arrived at a point where I can love myself. I went out to the wilderness this past weekend for a sort of vision quest. Three days, two nights, minimal gear and no food (except for some peanuts and a Cliff Bar).

Things didn't go so well at first. The drive there took longer than I had anticipated, and took longer still when I got a flat tire and had to change it two miles from the trailhead. Because I was late, I didn't have many choices in camping spots. There was very little water there (mountainous desert), so I just found a large granite boulder to keep me out of the wind. But it wasn't big enough and the relentless wind blew smoke from my campfire right into my face most of the night.

I hardly slept at all the that night and kept ruminating about stuff and feeling lots of anger. Just couldn't get that crap out of my head. So I woke up in the morning in a foul mood, which doesn't get better when you have nothing to eat.

I had more anger issues most of Saturday, and then started getting depressed because I was angry. Then angry because I was depressed. Finally, something inside me said "enough of this; I've seen this movie before!" So I got up, grabbed the camera, and spent a couple of hours taking photos of the rock formations, lichen, and some of the lizards that seemed to own the place.

Later I sat around some more and thought about how much my young self misses the support I never got as a kid. I thought too that I never would get that support from people. Sure, I get support from this forum, my T, and my friends, but there's been a few people in my life my young self wants support from and that's the kind I won't get. So I thought about me giving my young self that support. I actually hugged myself in a way and for the first time felt love for myself.

I think my T has been gently leading me in that direction. She's said several times something to the effect: "oh, you were taking care of yourself." Maybe I've been giving myself love without realizing it. And when you don't realize something, you miss out on feeling it.

I've never been there before, and I think of it as a huge accomplishment.
 
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