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Low confidence vs. survival

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Hey everyone,

so...I've been having a rough time lately. On top of the usual mental stuff I mean. About a month ago, I split up with my boyfriend of 5 years, with whom I was living together with for 4 years. I am self- employed and I have been self employed from before finishing uni. There have been somewhat harder times with a bit less work, but since it would still pay more than I could get at a local jobs, and it allowed me more flexibility, I've always done this, freelancing. But for about 2 years I allowed myself to have most of my income to come from a single client(80%). And around the same time that things broke off with my boyfriend, my client had operation and took a month break.
So now I found myself really scared and in chaos.

It's the first time I'm truly living alone, in a foreign country nonetheless(moved here for my boyfriend). Still, I know the most people here, so it beats moving to a new place too.

Because of mental health issues, I had allow myself to rely too much on the comfort of my relationship and I have 0 savings.

Now, I'm doing small jobs, looking for clients and working on passive income files. I'm scared of potentially not making enough to pay rent. I'm almost with no money until next week. I have enough food in non-perishables so I can cook stuff, and I have my rent paid until 1st. I can delay payment with few days but no more.

I'm not sure if I'm so scared because I have a reason and I really might not make payments, or because my anxiety is starting to peak up again. I have special case meds, but I don't want to use them daily so I don't get used to them. I had to postpone my therapy 2 weeks because I can't pay it right now. I have a lot of moving and administration to deal with still. I'm scared of not making enough to pay rent.

I've borrowed and sold what I can. I have food and roof over my head for at least 2 weeks. If I'm lucky I will get at least some pay withing the next 24h (enough for a week, but it may take 3 days to process). I have skills and I can work on finding more clients or whatnot. But I can't work with no breaks either and I am starting to see my anxiety raise, which has made me unable to work in the past. My family can't help. I almost considered getting temporary job locally just to make ends meet for now, but that would either take months to find good job, or be low pay job for insane hours(and that I can do online as well, no need to look).

Perhaps, I'll get paid in the next day and get more work from that client again and have the peace to finally get more clients again as well. But, what if I don't? Am I worrying over nothings or should I be preparing for the worst? Do I need to keep balance and have a day off or try to work every waking hour that I'm not moving stuff, just in case? I think all this is a bit too much worry and it will all fit together eventually, but still....

...and also, today is one of those days where I'm constantly having mini panic attacks and taking breaks between working/looking for work to try to calm down, and I'm not sure if I should take time to calm down or not. I mean, I took half day off and I feel like I've lost so much time and I absolutely can't lose more...
 
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Naw, I think you need to contingency plan and that it's a healthy/rational stress rather than "because my anxiety is starting to peak up again"... though of course the increased reactivity isn't helping. Under the circumstances, you took stock of your resources and situation... now you have to endeavor to manage it. Any chance at all of a secondary income... people you know that can pitch ya some $$$ for some small jobs of pretty much any sort that are doable?
 
Thanks, I needed to hear that. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish.

For my main income, I'm looking at more clients(and waiting for my last payment from this client at least). She said she'd pay me today/tomorrow, but last time she wrote she disappeared for 9 days after(health stuff), so I'm not betting on that until the money is in my account.

For secondary...no, I don't know any people that can do that right now here. :/ I have online shop with regular but tiny results, so I can work on increase amount of things I have there. I also sell 2 types of things there and I know at least 5-6 more that I can start on and hope they bring some result(to my knowledge popular items right now, I tend to be crafty when calm). I AM working on some small online jobs here and there for something extra, but that is indeed so small that I'm not sure of making enough in time.

Also there are may be 2 things I can think of that I can try to sell, that I do need, but could sell to survive and later buy again. In long run, if that did happen I would lose on it because of selling and buying again, but it can help in the moment. I do have few things posted that haven't sold yet, but again, can't entirely hope on those either.

There are some more products that I can work on for my online shop that I know for sure sell, just of course question with anything like this is the time...I really don't know if I'm thinking of every option. All I know is, the amount I need now is small compared to my usual income, but it may as well be huge since I'm currently not sure how to manage it. Perhaps instead of taking time off to calm down, I should take something, calm down and make a plan of all sales/small jobs and things I can combine, just to make that payment somehow(by that payment I mean rent+bills, since it's all around the beginning of the next month). You know, to compartmentalize in a way, like trying to pay/make 10xY$ amount instead of one lump sum. ...
 
Calming your self time is good as well but maybe not a half day? How about a half hour, with a nutritious meal or a relaxation/stress reduction exercise or activity then getting back to the matter at hand?
 
Never wise to stick all your eggs in one basket. Diversity your clientele, and keep at it. Theres a reason why most small business operators are over-worked, because they have to have enough business that if any business is lost anywhere, they have enough to bolster things whilst replacing the clientele.

You're working for yourself, which is amazing, and well done. You just need to tweak your operation a little so that your income is diversified across a range of clientele. 80% from one client is too high, no one client should ever be more than 40% of your income, and you should never live a lifestyle above 60% of your income (40% is savings / retirement / investments).
 
Never wise to stick all your eggs in one basket. Diversity your clientele, and keep at it. Theres a reason...
That is all absolutely true, thank you! I know all that and yet I had so much else going on, and I always thought I had more time. You live and you learn, right? Anyway, I am in the situation I am in and I have to manage it. Hopefully a year from now I'll be able to say that my business is set up that way with the 40% and all else.
 
Calming your self time is good as well but maybe not a half day? How about a half hour, with a nu...
Yes, that's true. Usually when it gets to the half day is because I have made my anxiety so bed I'm "frozen" in panic.
But in any case, I realized that this situation is not from those that you want to bet or hope for a good outcome. Especially when I know that fear about survival makes me unable to do things. So, thankfully I got one payment few days ago, and also, got over my ego and took one more loan from a friend, just to be sure that no matter what I can cover my rent. So now I can be calm enough to resolve and work for the rest of the money I need and for making sure I do not get into that situation again. Also cut down some expenses and moved them to next month and started meal prep to save on food.
Hopefully I can manage the rest in the next 10 days- I should be able to. And now I have 40 days to work on having more stable income- that I can make sure I can pay my bills even without that client- and work on growing it after that. But one by one.
 
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