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Made a Mess of Things Again - Want to Commit Suicide

Discussion in 'Depression & Suicidality' started by cookie, Aug 30, 2006.

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  1. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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  3. carpediem2006

    carpediem2006 Active Member

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    :smile: Hi Cookie

    It does get better. It will get better. You will not be like this for long. When you reach the bottom, the only way is back up. You may slip and slide a little, but you will get there. Concentrate on you. It may be that the therapist is expensive, I feel for you that you cannot have a basic service given to you without paying. It is so wrong.

    Glad you posted, I sent you a mail the other day. I hope you don't mind, I don't know if it might have been any use, but please think what the cause is. I had similar thoughts on Prozac, I simply cannot take it, it makes me far worse. It was like a light bulb coming on suddenly. I went from being agitated and aggressive and it progressed to something much worse that I was not in control of. It's something that switches on and off...and it is a side effect that others experience too.

    Within a few days of changing from SSRIs to Tricyclics it was soooo much better. It may be medication related, SSRIs can make you agitated, they often do, and much worse.

    Tricyclics sedate better, but you would need to collect them more regularly from the pharmacist. I hope that might help you.

    If you are not sure whether you have an SSRI or tricyclic ask your therapist. If you are taking Benzo-something or other-prines (things like Valium), then these have a very high comedown effect as they wear off (crying uncontrollably, real misery in sensitive individuals) . Again, tricyclics might be better. We are all individuals but I found trimipramine worked better for me. I was cloudy headed for a while, but it was the right solution to help with the trauma. It sedated me, rather than make me hyper and aggressive or weepy and more than miserable.

    Stay with us, and vent all you like on here...it's what it is for. You will get there, I know, as I have got to where I am. It won't be easy, but I am glad to be where I am, and know that a lot of good can come out of bad in the end.
     
  4. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    thanks, carp. do you mind if i shortened that? i am lazy. i take lexapro, i think it is ssri. i also take wellbutrin, and cymbalta. i am also on something that starts with an r to sleep, but it doesn't work when i am down. nothing does. i don't sleep much at all.
    the onlly prob with the med. theory, and i hate med, is that i was like this for 6 months before i took it.i am feeling more calm tonight, but my poor husband has had about all he can take. i don't remember a pm from you, but my memory is awful lately.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Your lexapro is most likely the biggest part of causing your suicidal thoughts cookie.

    Yes, you do have to remember everything, and you have to discuss everything, or else you just end up having nightmares and flashbacks again. You can't be afraid of one single part of your past when done, or your just wasting your time. It is hard, but it is beneficial for your overall better lifestyle...
     
  6. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    Cookie,

    I want you to get better,
    I want to hear your daily rants...
    Please don't regret calling your therapist.
    That's what she is there for, that's why she told you to call

    Calling her was the smartest thing you could have done at that point.
     
  7. carpediem2006

    carpediem2006 Active Member

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    Hi again Cookie

    Carp is fine, by the way- just another thought, if you have changed any of your meds or added one recently. It takes a few weeks for the side effect (of feeling that miserable) to kick in at times.

    Definitely something to discuss at your next appointment. By the way, the reason the therapist gave you her number is because that is part of her job, which she has chosen and wanted to do....it took years for her to train to do what she wanted. She wants to help. Always call when you need to.

    Regarding discussing everything, I actually couldn't at first. I started writing things down, but make sure your doctor is at least aware there are other things to talk about, even if you take some time for yourself before getting to say it all. I found it much easier to give them a piece of paper, than explain it verbally. You may find that is helpful

    Keep up the appointments, things will get better.
     
  8. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    You're doing really well cookie. You are not back at square 1, because you are using your coping strategies, even if it feels like you're getting nowhere. Someone once described ptsd to me as a game of snakes and ladders. A snake can bring you down real quick, but you might hit a ladder and go back up just as quick. Keep posting and rant all you need to. That is what this forum is for!
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Oh, by the way cookie, if you thought I had missed this, you where wrong. I have been thinking about this and your posting history for a while now. I know you where calling to ask your therapist if the medication had a lethal dose so you could take it, and I understand that you want to kill yourself, but I am actually going to lay down the hard line here cookie, and actions nobody has yet seen me take upon this board, though I will reveal here now for everybody to read.

    Cookie, we are trying to help you but you are forcing me into a point where I will ban you from accessing this board, which means your entire local IP range so you would physically have to go outside your local area to a computer and login with different details, because the community as a whole are now getting overly concerned about one person, and each person upon this forum all have their own distinctive problems, suicidal thoughts being one of them, but you are going beyond suicidal thoughts, and reasoning, because you are diverting an entire communities attention to just yourself, and causing much distress amongst the community as a whole, because everyone is very concerned about you.

    All of these cries for help are noticed Cookie, and the community, and your physicians are taking notice, but you fail to want to get yourself the correct treatment, which is hospitalization for your own protection and well being. Suicidal thoughts are well gone here, and you have suicidal tendancies now, with previous attempts, and looking for more attempts, except this time you are now showing traits towards borderline personality disorder, because you want to bring down all the members of this forum with you, bein a sign of possible selfishness cookie.

    Cookie, my suggestion to you is hospitalization, your physician has your husband up guarding you, you need professional constant help cookie, help which we cannot provide you, only support you. I would suggest you look at discussing your suicide at the http://www.suicideforum.com/, which is more adept to catering your needs and concerns in this aspect, as you are moving beyond PTSD and its symptoms now.

    Members may see this as harsh, even pushing a person away that needs help, but these issues surpass this forums capabilities, and those here have their own daily concerns with suicidal thoughts and depression, let alone the level you have moved towards. There is a difference between wanting attention, and wanting help. We have provided many facets of choice for you cookie, but you seem determined to want to move beyond this realm of help, beyond helping yourself. This forum caters to those who want to help themselves, not those who want pity and attention. Sometimes we have to do what we don't like to do, this being one of them from my aspect, and yours being hospital. Even though you don't like them, you need to realise hospital is the best thing for you at this point, to save your life, to save passing your trauma to your husband, children, family and friends.

    Please don't force my hand cookie to take this action in order to protect the overall community from suffering, which is the exact role of my position here.
     
  10. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    My sentiments exactly!!!

    I myself am going into hospital Sat. AM....way out of whack from missing 3 med times....found out a few hours my Uncle Glen is dead!!!!...so good thing for me that psychodoc is presently making arrangements....have to wait these days as I get paid Friday afternoon and have to get money order sent for rent....I don't like hospitals....something horrible about having a door locked behind me:eek: :eek: Going anyways....that's what you need to do cookie!!!!! .......will post more more later....got therapist appointment....:drugs: ...wildfirewildone...Keeping the PEACE
     
  11. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    i am sooo sorry, just don't make good sense sometimes and i know i talk about things i shouldn't. forgive me please, cookie
     
  12. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

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    Hang in there, Cookie. It's so easy to lose all perspective when you're in the tunnel. I've certainly been sucked into the vortex.

    By the way, Anthony - regarding your comments above, what do you see as the differences between PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder - does one slide into the other? I've been banned from using the term personality disorder. Do you still think it's valid?
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Purdy, no I don't see them sliding into one another. BPD and PTSD are two very different things, though if you have BPD you tend to move into different areas of symptoms, ie. you tend to try and get everyone who will listen to feel sorry for you, sympathetic, you tend to try and get anyone who will support you behind you, so you than then run lose verbally assaulting people and rely on your backup to support your actions, etc etc... there are many facets to BPD, none of which really correlate to PTSD. Possible BPD can be spotted by watching people chat, and how they are trying to portray themselves, manipulate others at the same time, and then gain as much support as possible for their rampages. They ignore any direct questions that could show a weakness within them. They will avoid at all costs often because their disorder has rewired them that way, then strike when they have the moral support from manipulation. They will say they want to kill themselves often, then do nothing about it, bringing in more sympathy and supporter to their cause. They will create hype and angst within their post, then end it with things like, "I wish I where dead" and such characteristic traits.

    Why have you been banned from using the term BPD Purdy? Where and why?

    Cookie, there is no real need to apologise, more I should, because I let this go on way too long to be honest. I have never yet limited a persons ability to speech upon this community, but when I see someone like yourself that focuses only on one main topic (suicide) then that jumps out at me that you need more help than can be offered here. You need to be in hospital, and i am not joking cookie. We care about what happens to you, we worry about one another here during tough times, but this suicide issue is a constant tough time for you that has moved into action stages, at which point I have a moral, and legal requirement as the owner of the board, to cease such discussion and merely point you in the direction of immediate help, which has been done time and time again already, but you are not helping yourself.

    Cookie, I understand your hurting, I understand your confused, but lets face facts shall we. You want help because your crying for it, yet you know what you have to do by picking up the phone and self admitting yourself to hospital, yet you won't do it for the sake of yourself, your partner, children, family, etc etc... You need to be in hospital cookie where professionals can keep constant watch on you, they can dedicate more time towards you in order to help you get past this part of your symptoms, so atleast you have a better fighting chance of beating PTSD.

    You have had numerous suggestions, but you find an excuse as to why not to do anything, instead of looking at the larger options of life vs. death. Do you really want to die or do you really want to live? I know I want to live, so therefor I forced myself to get help that I needed when I was in the exact situation as you are now. I forced myself and I didn't allow my mind to make excuses, I told my mind to shutup, and I did what I had to do because I wanted to live, I wanted to see my family growup, I wanted to enjoy life once again. I know you want to enjoy life...
     
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