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Making False Positive Memories.

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
If you can have false memories of abuse, well then, I want false memories of comfort. I have a good enough imagination that I think if I play it over and over in my head enough . Here are some happy memories I want and am currently trying to forge into my mind.

I am six or seven and have fallen on the playground and skinned my knee I except to be yelled at for it like always but instead the yard duty teacher comes up to me and wipes a tear from my face and does the most amazing thing in the world she tells me the words that I have craved for so long "It's going to be ok." I think about hugging her but like always I stop myself because I know I will be rejected, but this time something changes. She hugs me.

That one is easy for me to imagine because I have been doing it since I was little. I tried everything I could come up with as a kid to create that senerio, but unfortunately I only got more frustrated and discouraged as I say it happen to other kids yet i couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I just wish I could convince myself it was real.

Other scenarios would be creating a birthday memory in my head. I have a bit of an obsession with balloons and streamers but have never had a real opportunity to have them. I am not so good with this one because I don't have enough experience to really create this one in my head.
 
My T actually talked about something like this awhile back. He said that we can "avail ourselves of resources we weren't actually born with." In my case, he encouraged me to imagine things like what it would have been like to have older sisters, for a start. (He decided one was a marine biologist and I decided the other was an astronaut. Which made me somewhat of the family under achiever!) He encouraged me to play around with the idea and imagine what I might have learned, if I'd had a different childhood.

@Fadeaway , it's YOUR BD party, you may have as many balloons and streamers as you'd like and do with them what ever you like too. (You can never have too many balloons and streamers!) What kind of cake? And what would you like for presents?
 
One of the gratifying things about raising children was that I got to have new happy memories through them. My 60th birthday is in November and I have forbidden my children from throwing me a party. I have never had one, their father never gave me presents (which didn't seem strange to me), I don't want my family to be in the same room as me, no one came to my graduations. I had to take a bus home from Boston on Friday nights in order to drive my younger brother to Boston as he was a member of the Boston Youth Symphony-a big deal, because my parents were too busy with their golfing. This was a huge accomplishment and I was the only one that drove him to practice and went to his concerts.
It never occurred to me to fantasize an alternate childhood, but did enjoy giving my children extra attention and encouragement.
 
How odd, I was just thinking about this. I seem to have a deep rooted thing about facing reality and not living in a dream world--perhaps because my parents were such delusional f**k-ups whose denial wrought a living hell for all of us. But a couple of days ago while I was meditating, I had this vision of being a little child and finding this man sitting down studiously with a book in his hand. Actually, this man was someone from my past who treated me badly--I think I gravitated towards him because he was a sociopath like my father. Well, he was playing the role of my father in this fantasy. Instead of yelling at me to get lost, he looked at me adoringly and lifted me up and began cuddling me.

I've never known the love of a father, so the feeling was sort of strange and overwhelming at first. But when I came out of it, the usual chattering in my mind had quieted, and there was a sense of calm, like everything was ok. I've been trying to recreate it in my mind over the last couple of days. I used to resort to fantasy to cope when I was growing up, but it's been hard since PTSD hit. Even thinking about something I want makes me wince in anticipation of rejection and scorn, as though a hand were raised above me ready to strike. But so far this has been therapeutic and I'm learning that asking for what I want, if only in my head, doesn't have to lead to embarrassment and disaster.

P.S. I recently bought myself some streamers to pop when I finish something I've been working on. I might have a slice of cake too, to celebrate what a good job I did ( my parents never gave a crap about my accomplishments). I don't know much about re-parenting therapy, but in light of these experiments, I think I'll be looking into it.
 
Why not instead of manufacturing fake memories that you actually create real positive memories? Get in touch with your inner child. Throw yourself that party. The whole nine yards...
 
@Solara I guess the thought of a party by myself feels a little pathetic. Also partially because I fear doing it wrong due to not knowing how to do it right. I have spent the last 1 1/2 years trying to figure out how to create a positive memory. Something goes wrong every time. Yeah, there is some real fear and a ton of issues there. Sorry I am rambling, it is just last time I had a month prep and the day of my big life changing event ( I call anything that might create a happy memory a life changing event) My pet nearly died and all the money for my happy memory was gone because of a $1,500 vet bill.
 
You're thinking too big. It can take five seconds to think of something then another five minutes to create a happy memory. If your financial issues really are that bad, your money should be going into therapy, not extravagant events. (And if you qualify for co-insurance I'm not sure where you'd get the money for a grand event anyway.)
 
@Solara I a not sure what you mean by grand event
Throw yourself that party. The whole nine yards...
You mentioned that. Yes, my fiances are that bad. I just broke every thing down but erased it all.

Look I do know a party is an extravagant event but it could be done for about $10 or less because you can get everything at the dollar store. I just don't want to do it alone.

A happy memory, life changing event doesn't have to cost a dime. It's The events that created ptsd didn't create a dime, so why can't I have a happy memory that stirs up emotions too?
 
This is how I locked my trauma away for so long, I kept telling my self that I didn't get out of bed that night and investigate the loud bang, It worked for 30 years
 
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