I never feel happy. I mean, sometimes I feel OK, but not really happy. Last night was different. I felt happy. Without any effort or feeling that I was somehow faking it for show. I laughed with my family. I danced in the grass. I watched the sun go down. But I also smoked marijuana. And I think that's what made me feel happy. I have this little jar that is probably about 12 years old. It still works.
Today, I'm not high. And I feel like I usually do. Slow and foggy-headed. Irritable and angry. Melancholy. Isolated. Occasionally suicidal with constant violent images running through my mind.
In our small town, I'm a professional with clients who depend on me, a home & a family. I play in multiple musical groups. And aside from losing my shit on a regular basis at home, I don't think most people can tell that I have some issues, PTSD, depression, whatever. No one would guess about the unhealthy ways I try to cope with things.
My shrink has suggested medication, but I'm afraid of the side-effects. I just can't take that stuff, even though I feel that I owe it to my family to try. I don't want my son to grow up with a shitty parent. And I don't want to be a shitty spouse. I would basically be taking the medication for other people, not for myself. Maybe I'm selfish to not want to take it.
But, I don't think that using marijuana is a good thing to model for a child either.
Ugh.
Today, I'm not high. And I feel like I usually do. Slow and foggy-headed. Irritable and angry. Melancholy. Isolated. Occasionally suicidal with constant violent images running through my mind.
In our small town, I'm a professional with clients who depend on me, a home & a family. I play in multiple musical groups. And aside from losing my shit on a regular basis at home, I don't think most people can tell that I have some issues, PTSD, depression, whatever. No one would guess about the unhealthy ways I try to cope with things.
My shrink has suggested medication, but I'm afraid of the side-effects. I just can't take that stuff, even though I feel that I owe it to my family to try. I don't want my son to grow up with a shitty parent. And I don't want to be a shitty spouse. I would basically be taking the medication for other people, not for myself. Maybe I'm selfish to not want to take it.
But, I don't think that using marijuana is a good thing to model for a child either.
Ugh.