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Marilyn's Mental Imagery

Discussion in 'General' started by Marilyn_S, Mar 5, 2007.

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  1. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road? blue
    Q2. What texture is the road? rough
    Q3. How solid is the road?very solid but hard to walk on because it is very bumpy

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? I walk across it
    Q5. What does the water look like? crystal clear
    Q6. How fast is the water current? very slow
    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? nothing

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? red
    Q9. What condition is the house in? old but very sturdy
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? no

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup? yellow
    Q12. What condition is the cup in? old and cracked
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? mud
    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? it is a big black shadowey figure. I can see through it. Its like it is a spirit because I can see trees and grass and birds and flowers behind it or through it.
    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?Lines of just plain blue and black running forward into the future somewhere. They are going too fast for me to see anything else.

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road? red
    Q2. What texture is the road? smooth and silky
    Q3. How solid is the road? when I walk on it my feet sink into it like mud but I do not fall through

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? i swim
    Q5. What does the water look like?its very wavey and deep but not rapid
    Q6. How fast is the water current?fast but not violent
    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?snakes, lots of them and they are all around me. their heads are toward me but they remain in the water swirling around.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? blueQ9. What condition is the house in?it has black tar running from beneath the eves and paint chipping. Then the blue house turns red.
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? yes, my momma and step dad and their two little dogs

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup?it is a yellow cup with a thin green stripe around the top. Q12. What condition is the cup in? It has a crack in it.
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? mud and rocks with poop and pee

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?It is my step dad in a blue shirt with green striped pantsQ15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? nothing but blank space like a peice of white paper with nothing written on it.
     
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  3. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

    This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road? blue The road was blue because it was clean i have no feelings I do feel some pain in my stomach like emotional
    Q2. What texture is the road? rough it is rough because it has rocks on it rocks that are hard i have no emotion about this
    Q3. How solid is the road?very solid but hard to walk on because it is very bumpy this is kind of funny I feel like laughing

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? I walk across it and I walk across it because it looks pretty safe but when I get toward the middle of it it gets deeper and deeper and I am afraid I will drown because I do not know how to swim.
    Q5. What does the water look like? crystal clear the water is crisp cold, it feels very cold almost like ice water. it is so cold I am starting to feel numbness.
    Q6. How fast is the water current? very slow It is still deep water. It is very tranquil and I want to go deeper into it.
    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? nothing The truth is in the water that is why there is nothing in the water.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? red It is red because it is a lonely place where whores onced lived. If you go inside it has all red velvet chairs and a big huge dark scarry window with nothing behind it.
    Q9. What condition is the house in? old but very sturdy it is like a castle that is why it is so sturdy.
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? no the house is empty because it was cleared out in a dream. I was alone so I went someplace else because I was so lonely and scared. But I do not have any feelings right now.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup? yellow the cup is yellow because it is old. I want to pick the cup up and drink out of it but I can't because it is old and dirty yellow. I feel sad about this.
    Q12. What condition is the cup in? old and cracked It is old and cracked because it has been abandoned and has been exposed to the elements.
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? mud The cup is full of mud because it has been out in the elements and been rained on until it collected mud.
    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? it is a big black shadowey figure. I can see through it. Its like it is a spirit because I can see trees and grass and birds and flowers behind it or through it. I do not know why this person is in my way. He thies to get inside me but I fight. When I fight it is futile. But I can not get passed him.
    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?Lines of just plain blue and black running forward into the future somewhere. They are going too fast for me to see anything else. It seems like time going fast into the future where there is nothing but a black sheet of white paper with very sharp edjes that cut into me like a very sharp knife. It hurts and I am very scared.

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road? red it is red because red has always been my favorite color.
    Q2. What texture is the road? smooth and silky it is smooth and silky because it is like the fluffy feathers on a feathery scarf. When I was little I wanted to have my wedding dress be trimmed in red fur.
    Q3. How solid is the road? when I walk on it my feet sink into it like mud but I do not fall through. It is fun like a trampoline. I can squish my feet into it or jump up real high and land safely in the squish.

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? i swim I am swimming here because the thought of swimming makes me feel so comfortable.
    Q5. What does the water look like?its very wavey and deep but not rapid Its not rapid because it is very deep like the ocean. I like the deepness of it because it makes me feel lost in comfort and coolness of smooth clean water.
    Q6. How fast is the water current?fast but not violent the current is fast because of the waves but it is not scarry because I could swim forever in it.
    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?snakes, lots of them and they are all around me. their heads are toward me but they remain in the water swirling around. This is the first think that came to my head although it is a bit embarrassing. I think the snakes are all around me but they are not going to bite me and they will not hurt me because they are all the men I have in my life right now who care about me so much. My 24 year old son, my husband, my best friend's husband, my sweet little 7 year old son.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? blue The house is blue because it is where my momma lives.
    Q9. What condition is the house in?it has black tar running from beneath the eves and paint chipping. Then the blue house turns red. This is because my momma hurts me when she says nothing ever happened between me and my dad. It makes me feel crazy. Like my brain just made it all up.
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? yes, my momma and step dad and their two little dogs

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup?it is a yellow cup with a thin green stripe around the top. I think that the thin green line is there because that is the boarder between me and reality. Although the cup is yellow and dirty and faided, the thin green line is very bright and clear and can be seen very easily.
    Q12. What condition is the cup in? It has a crack in it. The cup has a crack in it because it has been thrown around and abused and neglected. This cup makes me feel very sad but very hopeful at the same time.
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? mud and rocks with poop and pee There are all these yukky things in the cup because there are alot of yukky things in me. Things I wanted to pretend were someone else. But they are not. They are me. They are the accumulated events of my life that make up who I am and the way my mind runs.

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?It is my step dad in a blue shirt with green striped pants I guess these are his pajamas. I have no real feelings about this. My step dad married my mom after I was already grown up.
    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? nothing but blank space like a peice of white paper with nothing written on it. This peice of paper is dull and wet. It is harmless but not apealing. It is just there.
     
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Marilyn, I am going to approach this a little differently, and ask you questions relating to what your mind has given for interpretation. Lets see how we go:
    • Would you say your life is quite difficult right now, though at times you feel your possibly healing, a little more comfortable even, good and bad days?
    • Would you say that you see life in general at present quite highly emotional? If so, why?
    • Do you feel safe from those males around you, or are you more in fact cautious of them, ie. keep your friends close, your enemies closer? I ask this because your subconscious is telling me off deep sexual hurt from male/s within your life.
    • Do you feel it would be a fair assessment to say your self esteem and self confidence is quite poor at present?
    • In what way have you been victimized in life? By who have you been victimized?
    • How important do you feel commitment is too you within relationships, even though you have been seriously let down in this area within your life?
    • Why do you keep deep, dark secrets about sexual issues that have occurred within your life?
    • Why do you feel that your future is only going to bring you more pain?
     
  5. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Dear Anthony,

    This last Wed. I became suicidal, had a plan, and was very frightened. I spoke with my therapist who immediately referred me to the psychiatric ward at one of our local hospitals. I was dismissed today. I am feeling alot better, no thoughts of suicide. However, I still feel very weak and venerable. I am going to take a two day reprieve from any journaling. I am going to take this time to establish a 3D support network that I can contact for support should I begin to feel in crisis again. I will be back here Monday. Thank you for providing the help and support you give.

    Love & Care
    Marilyn
     
  6. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    I changed my mind. I felt it safe to answer every one of the questions except the fifth one about the victimization. That will take me some time and as I have said I need to speak with my therapist and make sure I have either my sister, husband, or best friend available to me when I am writing about that stuff in case I go into emotional crisis. I want to be safe.

    This is a strange way to answer this question but it is the answer from my heart. I love my life. It is not my life I want to give up on. I have a loving, caring, husband of nine years who is both my love and my best friend. I have two adult step children that came into my life when they were teens. They call me “mom”. They do this because I love them so very much as though I gave birth to them myself. Even though my step son has problems in his life, I find so much of his father in him it is very easy to overlook the problems he has and give him time to figure his life out on his own. I have three biological kids that fill my heart with such pride I could bust sometimes. I look at them and realize there must be some good in me or I would not have such wonderful children. It is the ghosts that haunt me, the shame that binds me, the pain that feels debilitating that makes me want to give up on my self. I have laughter, joy, fun, and purpose in each day I live. The component of my life that I am lacking is PEACE from within.

    I have been a very emotional based person my entire life. Although there are times I become numb, it is only superficial numbness. Underneath the numbness and flight from myself is a deep and foreboding pain worse than a stake being driven through my heart. When I let it surface, I fear I will die. I love the people who hurt me.

    I can not begin to tell you of the anguish. But in answer to the question do I feel safe around the males in my life now, the answer is “mostly”. My husband is a man of honor. We are both of Irish descent and our personal values and cultural heritage are very highly family oriented. Meaning the man of the house is a protector of the family. Were my trust is very shallow is with the men of our church, the men who are on the pastoral staff. I have went to them to try to deal with my feelings of shame only to feel violated by their lack of willingness to listen to my plight. They avoid me as though I would try to seduce them or something. In reference to friends in general, I have very few and trust very little, because you see, it was and still remains my mother who has the ability to continue to violate my trust. She is not a mother to me and never has been. I am her mother. She is my little girl. It is very hard for me to trust other women to be my friend and I simply will not become friends with a male because of my humanity and the possibility of impropriety. I love my husband and am committed to him for life, but no one human being can meet all the needs of another person. I believe that for this reason, forming a close friendship with a man who is not my husband is not good for me as a married woman because it creates temptations based upon my own vulnerabilities.

    The answer to that question is NO. I do have self esteem. I think I am intelligent, compassionate, creative, trustworthy, honest, and a DAMN GOOD wife and mother. My self confidence has been very shaken in reference to my chosen profession and that is very painful but overall I feel I am a very good person. I need to say more about this because what happened to me at my last job was very traumatic to both my soul and spirit. When I talk about this I feel selfish and like I have my priorities in the wrong place but as hard as I try to shake the hurt I can not. Being fired from a job that I was doing good at made me again feel like a victim. I felt helpless because I could no longer provide love and care to the clients I had grown to care about and whom were beginning to experience some healing in their lives. It was like we were healing together! The text books would say that that is a professional boundary violation. I say POOP on the text books. If a therapist is not growing and learning and healing with their clients, in MY OPPINION, they are lifeless, torpid, self serving, pompous, bombastic… OOPS! A little anger there. Because of some very painful experiences I have had with PhD’s, although I do not believe all doctorate level psychologists are arrogant, I believe some of them are very much arrogant and look to clients to feed their own egos. Most of my negative experiences have been with two of the male PhDs I tried to acquire therapy from. Much like the pastoral staff at my church, they were unwilling to discuss the events surrounding my PTSD. I am very angry and bitter at the PhDs because they should be trained and know how to deal with folks with PTSD regardless of the complexities and awkwardness of the trauma surrounding it. However, although very hurt by the pastoral staff at my church, I forgive them because they receive training in pastoral care and council which often negates discussion of personal unresolved issues. Now I must turn back to the issue of my own self esteem and confidence. A ghost lives inside me that I hate. I hate her. She is naughty, bent on self gratification, thinks only of her self and her own pain to the exclusion of empathy toward others. I so very deeply want to tame this shrew! I know she is a part of me that I must learn to live with and deal with. Not that I’m saying I have duel personalities. I’m simply saying this little gal is the egocentric little 3 year old that enjoyed the soft, gentle, and exciting touch of her father even though she knew that what her mother said was true. “Letting someone touch your privates is very nasty and only bad girls do that.” I know on a cognitive level that at age three I was not morally responsible for my actions and was not developmentally able to make moral decisions. However, when in my very soul I flash back to those private moments with my father and my brother, I am that guilty, ashamed little girl emotionally and I feel helpless, trapped, hopeless, and afraid. I feel like the pain will never end. And with every pleasure I experience I automatically feel somewhat guarded, waiting for the hammer to fall and the joy to sour.

    This is a question it will take me some time to answer. And I must have my 3D support system in tact before I try to talk about it again. I tried in my private and public diaries to reveal some of these things and as I began writing it was as though I had the flu and was uncontrollably vomiting the horrible traumas out of the flash player in my head. I will take a break on this one until I am a little more ready to feel. I am so afraid of drowning in the pain, shame, anger, and confusion I feel.

    I feel very deeply committed to the relationships I have to the people in my life, across most contexts, meaning romantic, Parental, familial, friendship, cohort, and professional relationships. People are human and even though I may allow myself to be hurt by the actions or words of the people in my life, my commitment to my relationship to them remains very deep and loyal. I even get angry at GOD sometimes. I wonder why He/She could create a world where there is such intense hatred, violence, selfishness, and sorrow. Then I remember, God was human too! And I begin within the very heart of my mind, within my very soul, to understand GOD! God is not Santa Clause. God is not a Genie in a Bottle that exists to grant our every wish. God is only perfect at being GOD! He did not create a perfect, fair, justice filled world. I am committed to my relationship to GOD simply because God is such a marvelous creator, because He/She did create every human being with the potential to be the best they can be should they choose to be so. And I firmly believe that should GOD choose to use His/Her power to create the perfect world, the world would be purposeless, meaningless, robotic, and unanimated. Sorry Anthony, that was a duel purpose tangent because I want someone else (besides my best friend Wayne) to see my ideas as making sense and because even though I do not know you and probably could not pick you out in a crowd even if I was a mystic, I genuinely love and care about you. This is not a neurotic attempt to gain your favor, or get your attention!!!! I love and care about you because you genuinely love and care about other people like yourself who suffer with the arduous and chronic plight of PTSD! And whether you choose to believe in GOD or not He/She believes in you!!! I do not know about an after life. But I know this one thing, I am glad GOD chose to create YOU!!!!!

    I keep deep dark secrets about sexual issues that have occurred in my life because I am ashamed that I enjoyed the horrible things my X husband did to me. It felt good when he hurt me, when he pulled my hair, when he beat me with sticks, whips, and belts. I am very ashamed of myself that I enjoyed the pain. I enticed him to hurt me. I challenged him to see how far he would go. In the end I knew I would always receive the soft side of his love in the form of oral sex. Then, as in complete mental defiance to my traditional family values I began to experience sexual arousal at the thought of having a sexual relationship with another woman. I still feel great guilt and anguish because of this because the thought of the soft tender skin of another woman, her plump silky body, one similar to my own makes me feel sick at the thought of having sexual intercourse with a man. Am I a lesbian? I do not want to be! I want to enjoy sexual love with my husband. But I just do not feel safe. Even though he is a soft furry sweet handsome teddy bear, I feel unsafe having sex with him. I feel very guilty because of this. What is wrong with me? I love Wayne with every fiber of my being!

    I do not feel this way right now. I am trying to change my thinking. I feel pain sometimes so intense because I make a fool of myself trying to get attention, trying to get someone to save from the fake self that doesn’t exist. I do not want to die. I do have hope for the future, but I am so afraid of that hope I do not know what to do with it.
     
  7. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Dear Anthony,
    I'm doing much better today. Things are a bit like a roller coster with me emotionally, but Wayne is being very loving and supportive.
    Later
    Marilyn
     
  8. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Dear Anthony,
    I can not thank you enough for asking the questions you asked. The questions themselves sent a message to my mind that I am a worthwhile person. I am like a dog gone roller coaster emotionally. But for some reason the questions you asked made me feel like you do not think of me as a bad person. I know it is probably a bit neurotic to place so much value on what you think of me but I have great respect for you as a person for caring enough about other people to have this forum. It is helping me. I am learning as I go how to utilize the information and tools better. But the most important thing I have learned is that there are so many others just like me. They are caring, wonderful, precious people who are struggling and hurting just like me. It feels so good to be able to share my struggles with them then in turn provide support to them when they are hurting. I know later as the day goes by I will struggle. Just last night I was in Wal Mart and the guy behind me overtly insulted me for buying so many silk flowers and glass vases. I make flower arangements as a hobby and give them away to newly relocated women who are starting over because of domestic violence. I do not know why I allowed what the man said to hurt me so bad but I wanted to curl up in a ball and cower. However, initially when he first said what he said I wanted to punch his lights out. He said, "Think ya got enough stuff there lady. Its always fun to get in line behind people like you!" Then he looked at me like he wanted to spit on me. I feel very guilty because as I left the check out stand, he was buying 8 bottles of dish soap. He told the cashier he was a bar tender. Before I walked away I said, "Why don't you use some of that dish soap to wash the f*cking sh*t out of your brain old man!" I quickly walked away thinking to myself, Great job Marilyn, you just a mighty fine Christian now aren't you? I do not know why what he said hurt me so bad. After all, he was just a grouchy old stranger. I know you are not a believer, and I am Ok with that, but I also know you care about other people's feelings. I felt ashamed because I did not practice self control. I desire with all my heart to display the fruits of the Holy Spirit in my life which are (LOVE-JOY-PEACE-PATIENCE-KINDNESS-GOODNESS-FAITHFULLNESS-GENTLENESS-and SELF CONTROL). These are not religious principles they are healthy principles for living a meaningful and fullfilling life. But I am human, so I guess I should cut myself some slack! Well, I'll ramble more later.
    Love & Care
    Marilyn a fellow PTSD survivor
     
  9. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Dear Anthony,
    Some of the answers I gave were what was on my heart at the time. I think and feel different at different times. Sometimes I begin to feel like there are two or three people living inside my silly self but I know its just different moods, emotional ups and downs, and things like that. There is one thing about me though that is consistent and although it may be a bit neurotic for me to even care I hope you believe this, I do care about people. I am consistently a loving person who tries very hard not to cross the line and hurt others. I've never observed healthy anger. Not even from my dear sweet wayne. When he gets angry or grouchy, he gets verbally loud and hurtful at times. He is never this way with me, although I think at times he would like to be, but I sweet him out of his anger. I think he has a lot of hidden hurts he is afraid to deal with due to being married to his 1st wife for 20 years. She was a very verbally abusive alcoholic and Wayne was very much an enabler. Well my goodness, I've gotten' off track from what I was wanting to say. What I was wanting to say is that when you think it would be OK, I would like to be a forum helper. I have discussed it with wayne and we would also like to provide some financial support to the forum if that is OK and appropriate. Its your call and what ever the case may be I will understand and not be offended in any way.
    Love & Care
    Marilyn S.
     
  10. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps I need to cut to the chase, quit the bullsh*t and just vommit. I feel so refreshed right now from the rest and arduous crying I was able to do in treatment that I am almost afraid to discuss my stuff again.

    How was I vicitomized?

    My daddy started touching me in my private area when I was three. I was not old enough to know that the gentle touch he was giving me was bad. I did not know this until I was about five and my mom told me good girls do not let anyone touch their private area. She said I was a strong sexed little thing. When I acted out by masterbating she would spank me with a switch inbetween my legs. I have always remembered this and even though my intellectual brain knows I was not the fault, I still feel great pain and shame. However, perhaps I am doing some healing as I do not feel like going and cutting on myself. I will write more later.
     
  11. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    I knew what a penus looked and felt like at a very early age. I tried to forget. My brothers and my dad came in my room naked, they would bathe and not shut the door to the bathroom. I refuse to feel sorry for myself, or pity myself. I want validation so bad I can't stand it. Its embarrassing! My momma still says she did nothing wrong, though the other day she did almost acknowledge that the sexual abuse happened. How was I victimized? The question should be is there any way I was not violated or victimized??!!! I feel so stupid and pathetic for saying that. Because so much of these memories came to me in my 30's, with exception to mom spanking my privates, dad touching me softly and my half brother being disgusting, maybe I'm just a sick freak and all these flash things I night fright about and vommit in my brain about are all just a sick trick of my imagination. I'm done for now.
     
  12. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    I feel so sick inside. How is this helping? I feel shame and loneliness.
     
  13. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Marilyn:

    this process is not and will not make you feel good or all fuzzy inside. Its going to dreg up all those feelings, so that you can work through them. It's the only way to get better. You have to face what was done to you, how you felt and feel, admit it, accept it and then work through it. This is the healing process.

    Everytime you write about a trauma and start digging at your feelings, your going to crash with your symptoms, and then you get up and you do it again and each time your symptoms should get a little less as you go. It can take a looong time. This is no quick fix.

    I was waiting for this aspect to hit you actually, as many of your posts were very bubbly(not in this thread, but in others). It's a good sign that your journey to healing is starting. I know that sounds backwards, but that is how it works for us.

    Keep at it. If you need to crash, crash for a few days then come back and start up again. Your doing a great job! Try to keep in mind that all the feelings coming back and a worsening of symptoms is normal and expected.

    Bec
     
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