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Marilyn's Mental Imagery

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Bec
Thankyou for your responce to my post. I really didn't expect to feel fuzzy or better but I did not realize there was so much abuse until I started writing it down. I feel shame. I feel alone. All the stupid bubbly sh*t is true. That is why I'm such a F**k-up! I should be OK. I should have peace. I've been blessed alot! Still my brain clings to the shadows of the past.
 
Thanatos of Innocence

With wings outspread beneath a sky of open blue serenity,
I breathed the air of freedom’s might above a world of infinity.
My fledgling soul untried by strife strode on heaven’s boarder,
Ascending far beyond the reach of chaos and disorder.
Then moving fast with fearsome might a cloud of cold descent,
Dispersed darkness on my back while I was innocent.
Falling with force to the hard black dirt a part of my childhood died.
But powerless against the kiss of betrayal, in fear, I never cried.

Father is Gone

The moment was silent and frightfully still.
I peered at his coffin beneath the small hill.
There was no brilliant epitaph.
There were no great words on his behalf.
There were only widow’s tears
That served to hide a daughter’s fears.
I remembered my father in days that passed.
Like a massive anchor cast my heart sank painfully fast.
It was like I were beneath earth’s weight
Behind an awesome heavy gate.
It was in his empty fabricate smiles
Sorrow hid in my life’s miles.
Though the sunshine rested upon me
And warmed my shoulders tenderly
A somber grey clouded my mind
Leaving little memory of him behind.
The secrets me and my daddy shared
Rested lost in a little girl angry and scared.
 
Bec
All the stupid bubbly sh*t is true. That is why I'm such a F**k-up! I should be OK.

Okay, I get nailed to the wall for this.. so I'm passing it forward. STOP CALLING YOURSELF NAMES! You should be okay? Is that right up there with just get over it! It's bad enough we hear this daily load of BS from everyone else.. so don't be doing it to yourself! Trauma is trauma, you don't just get over it or just become okay. Period. Just because your posts were bubbly to begin with does not warrant self name calling. In fact I'm not sure how you equate.. coming to realize how much hard work this is.. with being a "f**k-up! We all have to realize this at some point and none of us were just born with that knowledge. It's a journey, you discover stuff...

So no more name calling.

bec
 
How I feel:
1.) I feel very ashamed because when I try to tell what happened to me it seems like I am alone. I was alone as a child and I am alone now. I feel like it was partially my fault it kept going on. It was especially my fault what I let my X do.
2.) I feel lonely
3.) I feel guilty
4.) I feel ashamed
5.) I feel scared.
6.) I feel confused
7.) I feel angry

What I think
1.) I think what I did was wrong.
2.) I think I am an idiot savant
3.) I think I am a stupid fool
4.) I think that if someone MALE!!!!!!! & OBJECTIVE!!!!!! does not communicate to me that I am not a disgusting person I will never stop feeling that way!

Physical
1.) sick to my stomach
2.) head ache
3.) fatigue
 
Bec, thank you
I needed to hear that. Even though in my heart of hearts I feel like some of the stuff that happened to me was my fault!

Love
Marilyn
 
Marilyn, the only thing negative thinking does is hinder you, and putting yourself down is a hinderance to your progress. Yes, its part of the low self esteem you have at present from your trauma, but to increase that you need to think before speaking, thinking even, and when you think negative, STOP... then think about a positive and replace the negative with it. The more you do it over the months, the more progressive it becomes and instinctive that your mind will just quickly pass a negative thought, then find a positive immediately without you really engaging the process, which is the idea. You would be retraining your brain so to speak.

Isn't it interesting what you found from yourself when provoked in the right means? Look at all the things you have just self analyzed from asking you a few very simple, very accurate questions in relation to your subconscious state. You found the answers yourself, you moved past the masks, past the bullshit, you are now into the truth of your situation.

I have to say, excellent progress Marilyn.... especially so soon. Well done. Don't beat yourself up getting ill from this, as it is part of the process for the first few months, but it gets much better then on and continues too for the rest of your life providing you work hard at yourself now. Nobody can give you the answers, only provoke your mind to allow you to engage them yourself, to find your own answers that are relevant to you. Yes, we will not support BS and tell you when your getting into sympathy mode, or self pity, as we all do it and need a kick in the arse when doing so, but the hard stuff you have to do, you just merely need the kick in the right direction then some support during. Well done on finding so much out about your true self... well, more to the point, moving past some denial you had and into the reality of the situation.
 
Aye! This is true! Thank you! I will continue to work. perhaps practice here would be good. As I write and the negative thoughts about myself come I can write then read aloud the positive replacements. Is very hard but I know must be done. Good kick in the arse in the right direction!
 
"Self pity is the pabulum of growth toward healing in that it only sustains a state of bland maintenance rather than true personal growth."

"Self acceptance is the cacatyst for growth toward true self actualization."

From the time I was very small my mother would become angry and say these exact words,

"You stupid little idiot!" I forgive her. I really do. I must tell myself that because I know in my heartshe loved me the best way she knew how. She was horribly abused as a child and the victim of domectic violence as an adult. That does not excuse her behavior but it does help me understand why her parenting skills were so poor.

However, of all the abuse I received, her words have always rang clear in my ears. I am the creator of the above quotes. Not Piaget, not Addler, not anyone else! I'm not stupid! I'm not an idiot! I am a poet, writer, artist, mother, friend, and child of God. I am a person who doesn't want to pitty herself but wants to progress in personal growth and healing. I must remind myself when the pabulum comes to pass it aside for meat, potatos, green vegies, and fruit of healing and personal growth. I must do this by exercizing my mind with truth, reality, and hope instead of shame and self pity! The things I have been through have been reeking havoc on my live but I will write, get support, and grow toward healing and restoration.
 
I spoke with my mother again today. She asked me not to tell any of the other family mambers I was in the hospital. She explained that that wouldn't look good. I told her out strait forward that I am very different than her. I will not accept the past as a secret to hold and be ashamed of. I was victomized and will not continue to allow her to victimize me!!!! She can hold on to her own shame. I will tell all and feel all regardless of how bad it hurts. I refuse to feel sorry for myself!!!!!!! I am a tenacious survivor and I am strong. I have to say, I do not understand why I feel such a need to be accepted by my mother. It seems when I'm doing well and following her like a pup doing everything she says I'm her "Little White Dove". Well! To f**king bloody hell with that shit! I'm not a F**king DOVE! I'm no prey to be preyed upon any more. I'm an eagle. I'm free from being prey. I will fly! She will no longer hold me down!!!!!!! Yet I feel the bullets of her words penetrate my heart. I guess even the eagle is venerable to pain. That is the sacrifice of love.
 
Marilyn, it's interesting you speak about doves and eagles, as we have scads of doves near our home. They are certainly not a welcome creature. They are very messy, poo all over our window sills constantly, and wake us up in the early morning with their incessant cooing. Similar to pigeons really. I agree with you entirely, I would much rather be a grand bird such as an eagle (we have those round our place as well). Your analogy about yourself and your mother is very touching.
 
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