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Relationship Marine With Ptsd Shut Down. I Feel Abandoned And Hurt Please Help.

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K201

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Hi everyone. I am new to ptsd and just learning about it. My bf is a marine vet who was in Iraq and has combat ptsd and tbi. I knew he did when we first got together. But I had no idea what it actually was....

Basically we fell in complete love had plans to buy a house.. Spoke to me about starting to save for a ring, said I was the one, always extremely loving. Throughout our relationship which has a been about a year MANY stressful things began happening.

He has a very demanding job and he works a lot.. But he loves his job and it gives him purpose he's said before.

Well back to these stressful things.. First he was under investigation at his job for something he wasn't guilty of but it was a huge deal and took about 2 months to be over with.. Then his dog bit another dog and the lady said she was suing him... Then this lady ended up knowing the police so a series of things happened with that.. They harassed him, even called his job to try to get him in trouble... Then his mother ( who he has a bad relationship with but still) got sick with something that will eventually be fatal I'm sure... Then he had to do something very demanding for his job which involved him basically putting a class together this wasn't all bad stress but still took many weeks and all of his free time, then he has a second job which was complaining had an issue with him. All of these things caused a huge amount of stress on hjm now in between these things..we began having normal dumb arguments over nothing serious. Then the main caused moved to him being able to spend much time with me due to his job.

So I was living with him for many months.. He wouldn't speak a lot about what happened in combat but told me a few stories. He completely down played his ptsd and I had no clue it was even an issue he spoke about him going to therapy so I thought he had many things sorted out. It turns out he just has extreme avoidance. He does have the rage but the avoidance is his main way to handle things.

We were arguing frequently and he warned me of him " shutting down" but I was viewing this as a "normal relationship" and never thinking that would happen. Well it did. After one very dumb argument he asked me to move out and said he loved me and thought it was the only way we could be saved. I was completely blind sided and destroyed. I pushed a lot during that first week not knowing it could have anything to do with ptsd. But i have learned it does.

His ex gf moved in and out about 3 times ( because of him kicking her out.) His best friend who loves us together and knew him before he was in the marines says he does do this shutting down. She says she knows he loves me and will come around but this may not be the last time this happens, but to just give him time because he will realize.

I moved out right away, but that week was spent with me trying to push and talk about things, he said he just needed time. The second week I told him I needed time to not speak to him (this was a week). After that week we began speaking and hung out this past Thursday at his house which was an awful idea because I couldn't handle being in the house and began speaking about the relationship. He said the same thing he said a few weeks ago which was:

He loves me and is in love with me. He wants this to work, but doesn't know if it will. He was blaming me and things on the fighting at this time. But just kept saying he didn't want to talk about things and maybe he isnt supposed to be with anyone. I told him lets just try and he said he wasn't ready to try yet ( meaning he still needed time). I would say normal, " don't you love me though" and he would say of course I do believe me you would not be in this house at all if I didn't. Since it had been a week I was a bit together I began seeing how shut down he was. It was scary, it was not him I was talking to, just his eyes were so different, so blank...that's when things started to dawn on me about the PTSD.

After I began realizing this might have something to do with his ptsd. I did so much research, found the stress cup thing, read stories on here that could have been MY story they were so similar. I apologized to him and told him that I regret going over and that I realize that he needs time and I know we will be okay and my real baby will come back ( meaning not this robot)and that I am here, I won't leave. He said he hopes that too.

Through all of this and our relationship he has never cut off contact so he has always answered my texts and calls etc. just a side note. We would also joke around it was just I wasn't getting the affection I'm used to....

Then the next day I asked him about the PTSD stress cup thing and all the parts etc. I wasn't telling him about it I was more sharing my findings and telling him how all this is making so much sense...I got good feedback and he ended up sharing that he has been to VERY little therapy. He also kinda admitted his avoidance but said " It's either that or killing...I'm really good at both lol." So I guess he just thinks that's the lesser of the evils.

The next few days I just kept things light...we texted a good amount..he would initiate convos and be involved and all... A few days ago I got a bit weak. I ended up saying to him "I miss you kissing me goodnight" he said "Its still weird for me too". I went on to say " We always text but you don't even say anything nice to me" he told me "If that's what you need I can't give you that right now..Its hard to explain or understand but I am pretty much running on auto pilot here...very "blah" just wake up every morning and do my routine...then go home and go to bed right after my shower" . That told me ( knowing him) he is telling me he cant because he is like a robot now like its not that he necessarily doesn't want to be "sweet" but he actually can't at this time, in this shut down.

I went on to tell him how I am trying to understand and doing a lot of research and he said.." I know and I appreciate the effort and diligence...I really do" I said thank you for saying that it means alot and went on to just kind of tell him its hard for me to be so far from him physically and mentally, but I love you I am here. He said " I know it is...and I know you are" Then I changed the subject to something funny and we chatted a bit more....

Yesterday we had a good funny convo in the morning and throughout the day. Then didn't talk for a few hours...Then something happened that made me happy....He stared sharing a bit with me..

Something happened recently ( after this shut down - someone at his job called someone else to complain about him and get him kicked off a team at his job which he enjoys and is very passionate for...he had shared this with me but didn't mention it in a few days. This is obviously another huge stressor)

So he started saying..just out of the blue about how mad he was that this guy did this and that what does he thing would happen if they too his position and ruined what he worked for etc etc. I was sharing what I thought like I would do in the past. Then I went on to mention something about veterans and he sent a long few text where towards the end he said " we did what we did end of story..I just wish they could experience the feelings of sheer terror when you think your gonna die..then have to wake up and do it all over again the next day"

I was SO happy he shared with me...he hasn't really shared feelings like that in weeks because I was a jerk who was only worried about our relationship and talking about us and this and that and why...why..why..

So I gave my response and that was when he was just leaving work so he didn't end up saying anything back I think he probably just went home, showered, slept. Our convos have always been open ended like we wouldn't say a clear goodnight...sometimes well just pick them up the next day lol. So him not answering wasn't odd.

This morning I sent him a " Hey how's your morning going" and he responded with "was just texting you actually...good etc etc." He isnt able to text in work at all today so I won't hear from him most likely until tomorrow..
 
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It sounds like he had a lot of relationship problems with other people, and you have stayed with him through them all. It sounds like the difficulty he has in relationships now includes the relationship with you.

I think his best friend is right - that this will likely happen again. If he is still in treatment or otherwise still working on his PTSD, then I think he can change. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to really look at the good and difficult sides of him, and see if you are ready for the hard road this will be. A TBI alone can leave a sufferer with a lot of emotional reactivity and being overwhelmed easily. It can change, but it's rarely a good idea to invest in a long term relationship with someone based on the hope it will change for the better.
 
I'm sorry to be giving you all literally EVERY detail of what's happening, but this is just so new and shocking for me. None of my friends understand at all or my family and they are treating it like a normal relationship would be " Oh if he loved you he'd miss you, he's so selfish, etc. etc."

I feel we are on a good path and I am trying so hard to not get sucked in to panic or anger or just feeling like " if he loved me he would never do this...how could he love me" way of thinking. He has told me before that if he says he loves me he means it and he has always been completely honest with me. I also find it extremely hard to not think "what if he never snaps back or comes around from this shut down, how long will this take.." I throw myself into full blown anxiety when I do that. I know I need to just be patient and understanding. The more I read these stories on this site the more I feel lucky that he is even answering me and talking to me. You are all SO strong. The more I'm understanding the stronger I feel I'm getting although I am still very sad. I have to stay positive.

I just wanted to share my story and please if anyone would like to share with me I would just love to talk and get as much information as I possibly can. You all are the only people in my life who understand. I feel completely alone in this. I would appreciate any feed back whatsoever. As far as questions I just was wondering if I am handling this the right way I guess and am I giving him enough space?
Also as far as seeing him he has almost no free time for himself, let alone me, which is nothing new, but I suggested "we should do something fun soon it'll be good for you and us." This week he can't because he has no free time on both of his days off ( he told me the things he needs to do). So I told him..well ok baby I didn't say this week..just soon ( trying not to make him feel guilty because in the past he would complain how I would do that and make him feel guilty because he wanted to spend the time he just couldn't). and He said ok yea.

So I won't see him this week, for good reason, I do understand...do you think I should just let him bring up seeing me? I don't want to push...I want to give him space, I just miss him so much. We haven't gotten any time to just hang out and have fun in weeks..since the beginning of this shut down...I just think it will be so good for us..I don't know, please help....
 
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It sounds like he had a lot of relationship problems with other people, and you have stayed with him through them all. It sounds like the difficulty he has in relationships now includes the relationship with you.

He isn't in treatment is the thing... But our relationship is wonderful. His relationship with his ex was terrible not because of just him but her as well. He always tells me to stop asking ( I started asking for more details when that happened) because they had insane REAL problems and our relationship is nothing like that. The only problem our relationship has ever had is dumb arguments.

I feel this would have happened and did happen because of all the stressful things one after another it's just he removed or shut me out because I was the closest one to him. I am really the only close one to him. He isn't close to his family at all. His best friend he talks to of course, but not very often and not about ptsd at all..

I feel like this would have happened and if I had not argued with him or been a cause of stress at all I would still be living with him but I think he still would have shut down to me. So I would be living with a robot, which isn't really better...I am very afraid it will happen again, but this really took a lot for him to shut down and I handled this completely wrong.

I really want him to go to therapy, but I have no clue how to ask him to do that. I wouldn't be asking him until things were good again though of course. I brought it up a little and he said he has done every stress management thing, but I think he needs Trauma Therapy I think it is called. Where he talks about the actual experience and works through it. Which I know he does not want to do because of his strong avoidance. I had said " they say its best to face it" he said I do face it, but he thought I meant the actual stress in his life not the traumatic experience and I didn't say anything else about it...
 
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The biggest red flag I hear is- either avoid or kill he's good at both. Does this not bother you ? Someone not in treatment with those thoughts and words? You really need to keep reading about PTSD... you have no clue where his mind is... Ive been there and it never worked out and it was scary..
 
It does bother me.. I am very worried about him. I am reading a lot I have no idea where his mind is I know. That's why I am asking for help...

I have called the VA caregivers help line trying to get info but they weren't very helpful. I ended up calling the VA by me (I am in nj) and I told the girl a little bit about things. I said I wanted to find a therapist. I have health insurance I just wanted recommendations mostly. She told me to come in to talk with someone about finding a therapist. So I'm going to go there today.

I love him very much. I don't know for sure if I can say I am "prepared" to stick by him. But I want to be here with him through this. I am prepared to try.

I just feel like there have been so many stories I've read where the girl says " he told me he doesn't love me, he doesn't answer me, he's cut off contact" and they are getting so much more support... I still feel very hopeful I know I need to educate myself, but this is a very hard time for me and I'm looking for support and kindness. I do really appreciate any answers but I would ask that everyone is just understanding and patient with me. I'm trying to stay positive..
 
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I saw that you tried to reach me I'm trying to firgure out how to clear out my mailbox so we can talk.. hang in there
 
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Big hugs to you, one thing I am observing is that there is a similar patter for combat PTSD veterans, so if anything, we can offer each other support through these times of agony. I'm here too. Your experience reads very similar to mine. xo
 
@K201, Welcome to the forum.

It's all a big learning curve. No supporter knows what to do when they first start dealing with their partner's PTSD. You cannot blame yourself for doing the wrong things if you did not know what to do in the first place.

Educating yourself is a good first step. If you haven't heard the recommendation, "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England is a great started book for supporters, and it has sections dealing specifically with combat PTSD.
 
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