Hi everyone. I am new to ptsd and just learning about it. My bf is a marine vet who was in Iraq and has combat ptsd and tbi. I knew he did when we first got together. But I had no idea what it actually was....
Basically we fell in complete love had plans to buy a house.. Spoke to me about starting to save for a ring, said I was the one, always extremely loving. Throughout our relationship which has a been about a year MANY stressful things began happening.
He has a very demanding job and he works a lot.. But he loves his job and it gives him purpose he's said before.
Well back to these stressful things.. First he was under investigation at his job for something he wasn't guilty of but it was a huge deal and took about 2 months to be over with.. Then his dog bit another dog and the lady said she was suing him... Then this lady ended up knowing the police so a series of things happened with that.. They harassed him, even called his job to try to get him in trouble... Then his mother ( who he has a bad relationship with but still) got sick with something that will eventually be fatal I'm sure... Then he had to do something very demanding for his job which involved him basically putting a class together this wasn't all bad stress but still took many weeks and all of his free time, then he has a second job which was complaining had an issue with him. All of these things caused a huge amount of stress on hjm now in between these things..we began having normal dumb arguments over nothing serious. Then the main caused moved to him being able to spend much time with me due to his job.
So I was living with him for many months.. He wouldn't speak a lot about what happened in combat but told me a few stories. He completely down played his ptsd and I had no clue it was even an issue he spoke about him going to therapy so I thought he had many things sorted out. It turns out he just has extreme avoidance. He does have the rage but the avoidance is his main way to handle things.
We were arguing frequently and he warned me of him " shutting down" but I was viewing this as a "normal relationship" and never thinking that would happen. Well it did. After one very dumb argument he asked me to move out and said he loved me and thought it was the only way we could be saved. I was completely blind sided and destroyed. I pushed a lot during that first week not knowing it could have anything to do with ptsd. But i have learned it does.
His ex gf moved in and out about 3 times ( because of him kicking her out.) His best friend who loves us together and knew him before he was in the marines says he does do this shutting down. She says she knows he loves me and will come around but this may not be the last time this happens, but to just give him time because he will realize.
I moved out right away, but that week was spent with me trying to push and talk about things, he said he just needed time. The second week I told him I needed time to not speak to him (this was a week). After that week we began speaking and hung out this past Thursday at his house which was an awful idea because I couldn't handle being in the house and began speaking about the relationship. He said the same thing he said a few weeks ago which was:
He loves me and is in love with me. He wants this to work, but doesn't know if it will. He was blaming me and things on the fighting at this time. But just kept saying he didn't want to talk about things and maybe he isnt supposed to be with anyone. I told him lets just try and he said he wasn't ready to try yet ( meaning he still needed time). I would say normal, " don't you love me though" and he would say of course I do believe me you would not be in this house at all if I didn't. Since it had been a week I was a bit together I began seeing how shut down he was. It was scary, it was not him I was talking to, just his eyes were so different, so blank...that's when things started to dawn on me about the PTSD.
After I began realizing this might have something to do with his ptsd. I did so much research, found the stress cup thing, read stories on here that could have been MY story they were so similar. I apologized to him and told him that I regret going over and that I realize that he needs time and I know we will be okay and my real baby will come back ( meaning not this robot)and that I am here, I won't leave. He said he hopes that too.
Through all of this and our relationship he has never cut off contact so he has always answered my texts and calls etc. just a side note. We would also joke around it was just I wasn't getting the affection I'm used to....
Then the next day I asked him about the PTSD stress cup thing and all the parts etc. I wasn't telling him about it I was more sharing my findings and telling him how all this is making so much sense...I got good feedback and he ended up sharing that he has been to VERY little therapy. He also kinda admitted his avoidance but said " It's either that or killing...I'm really good at both lol." So I guess he just thinks that's the lesser of the evils.
The next few days I just kept things light...we texted a good amount..he would initiate convos and be involved and all... A few days ago I got a bit weak. I ended up saying to him "I miss you kissing me goodnight" he said "Its still weird for me too". I went on to say " We always text but you don't even say anything nice to me" he told me "If that's what you need I can't give you that right now..Its hard to explain or understand but I am pretty much running on auto pilot here...very "blah" just wake up every morning and do my routine...then go home and go to bed right after my shower" . That told me ( knowing him) he is telling me he cant because he is like a robot now like its not that he necessarily doesn't want to be "sweet" but he actually can't at this time, in this shut down.
I went on to tell him how I am trying to understand and doing a lot of research and he said.." I know and I appreciate the effort and diligence...I really do" I said thank you for saying that it means alot and went on to just kind of tell him its hard for me to be so far from him physically and mentally, but I love you I am here. He said " I know it is...and I know you are" Then I changed the subject to something funny and we chatted a bit more....
Yesterday we had a good funny convo in the morning and throughout the day. Then didn't talk for a few hours...Then something happened that made me happy....He stared sharing a bit with me..
Something happened recently ( after this shut down - someone at his job called someone else to complain about him and get him kicked off a team at his job which he enjoys and is very passionate for...he had shared this with me but didn't mention it in a few days. This is obviously another huge stressor)
So he started saying..just out of the blue about how mad he was that this guy did this and that what does he thing would happen if they too his position and ruined what he worked for etc etc. I was sharing what I thought like I would do in the past. Then I went on to mention something about veterans and he sent a long few text where towards the end he said " we did what we did end of story..I just wish they could experience the feelings of sheer terror when you think your gonna die..then have to wake up and do it all over again the next day"
I was SO happy he shared with me...he hasn't really shared feelings like that in weeks because I was a jerk who was only worried about our relationship and talking about us and this and that and why...why..why..
So I gave my response and that was when he was just leaving work so he didn't end up saying anything back I think he probably just went home, showered, slept. Our convos have always been open ended like we wouldn't say a clear goodnight...sometimes well just pick them up the next day lol. So him not answering wasn't odd.
This morning I sent him a " Hey how's your morning going" and he responded with "was just texting you actually...good etc etc." He isnt able to text in work at all today so I won't hear from him most likely until tomorrow..
Basically we fell in complete love had plans to buy a house.. Spoke to me about starting to save for a ring, said I was the one, always extremely loving. Throughout our relationship which has a been about a year MANY stressful things began happening.
He has a very demanding job and he works a lot.. But he loves his job and it gives him purpose he's said before.
Well back to these stressful things.. First he was under investigation at his job for something he wasn't guilty of but it was a huge deal and took about 2 months to be over with.. Then his dog bit another dog and the lady said she was suing him... Then this lady ended up knowing the police so a series of things happened with that.. They harassed him, even called his job to try to get him in trouble... Then his mother ( who he has a bad relationship with but still) got sick with something that will eventually be fatal I'm sure... Then he had to do something very demanding for his job which involved him basically putting a class together this wasn't all bad stress but still took many weeks and all of his free time, then he has a second job which was complaining had an issue with him. All of these things caused a huge amount of stress on hjm now in between these things..we began having normal dumb arguments over nothing serious. Then the main caused moved to him being able to spend much time with me due to his job.
So I was living with him for many months.. He wouldn't speak a lot about what happened in combat but told me a few stories. He completely down played his ptsd and I had no clue it was even an issue he spoke about him going to therapy so I thought he had many things sorted out. It turns out he just has extreme avoidance. He does have the rage but the avoidance is his main way to handle things.
We were arguing frequently and he warned me of him " shutting down" but I was viewing this as a "normal relationship" and never thinking that would happen. Well it did. After one very dumb argument he asked me to move out and said he loved me and thought it was the only way we could be saved. I was completely blind sided and destroyed. I pushed a lot during that first week not knowing it could have anything to do with ptsd. But i have learned it does.
His ex gf moved in and out about 3 times ( because of him kicking her out.) His best friend who loves us together and knew him before he was in the marines says he does do this shutting down. She says she knows he loves me and will come around but this may not be the last time this happens, but to just give him time because he will realize.
I moved out right away, but that week was spent with me trying to push and talk about things, he said he just needed time. The second week I told him I needed time to not speak to him (this was a week). After that week we began speaking and hung out this past Thursday at his house which was an awful idea because I couldn't handle being in the house and began speaking about the relationship. He said the same thing he said a few weeks ago which was:
He loves me and is in love with me. He wants this to work, but doesn't know if it will. He was blaming me and things on the fighting at this time. But just kept saying he didn't want to talk about things and maybe he isnt supposed to be with anyone. I told him lets just try and he said he wasn't ready to try yet ( meaning he still needed time). I would say normal, " don't you love me though" and he would say of course I do believe me you would not be in this house at all if I didn't. Since it had been a week I was a bit together I began seeing how shut down he was. It was scary, it was not him I was talking to, just his eyes were so different, so blank...that's when things started to dawn on me about the PTSD.
After I began realizing this might have something to do with his ptsd. I did so much research, found the stress cup thing, read stories on here that could have been MY story they were so similar. I apologized to him and told him that I regret going over and that I realize that he needs time and I know we will be okay and my real baby will come back ( meaning not this robot)and that I am here, I won't leave. He said he hopes that too.
Through all of this and our relationship he has never cut off contact so he has always answered my texts and calls etc. just a side note. We would also joke around it was just I wasn't getting the affection I'm used to....
Then the next day I asked him about the PTSD stress cup thing and all the parts etc. I wasn't telling him about it I was more sharing my findings and telling him how all this is making so much sense...I got good feedback and he ended up sharing that he has been to VERY little therapy. He also kinda admitted his avoidance but said " It's either that or killing...I'm really good at both lol." So I guess he just thinks that's the lesser of the evils.
The next few days I just kept things light...we texted a good amount..he would initiate convos and be involved and all... A few days ago I got a bit weak. I ended up saying to him "I miss you kissing me goodnight" he said "Its still weird for me too". I went on to say " We always text but you don't even say anything nice to me" he told me "If that's what you need I can't give you that right now..Its hard to explain or understand but I am pretty much running on auto pilot here...very "blah" just wake up every morning and do my routine...then go home and go to bed right after my shower" . That told me ( knowing him) he is telling me he cant because he is like a robot now like its not that he necessarily doesn't want to be "sweet" but he actually can't at this time, in this shut down.
I went on to tell him how I am trying to understand and doing a lot of research and he said.." I know and I appreciate the effort and diligence...I really do" I said thank you for saying that it means alot and went on to just kind of tell him its hard for me to be so far from him physically and mentally, but I love you I am here. He said " I know it is...and I know you are" Then I changed the subject to something funny and we chatted a bit more....
Yesterday we had a good funny convo in the morning and throughout the day. Then didn't talk for a few hours...Then something happened that made me happy....He stared sharing a bit with me..
Something happened recently ( after this shut down - someone at his job called someone else to complain about him and get him kicked off a team at his job which he enjoys and is very passionate for...he had shared this with me but didn't mention it in a few days. This is obviously another huge stressor)
So he started saying..just out of the blue about how mad he was that this guy did this and that what does he thing would happen if they too his position and ruined what he worked for etc etc. I was sharing what I thought like I would do in the past. Then I went on to mention something about veterans and he sent a long few text where towards the end he said " we did what we did end of story..I just wish they could experience the feelings of sheer terror when you think your gonna die..then have to wake up and do it all over again the next day"
I was SO happy he shared with me...he hasn't really shared feelings like that in weeks because I was a jerk who was only worried about our relationship and talking about us and this and that and why...why..why..
So I gave my response and that was when he was just leaving work so he didn't end up saying anything back I think he probably just went home, showered, slept. Our convos have always been open ended like we wouldn't say a clear goodnight...sometimes well just pick them up the next day lol. So him not answering wasn't odd.
This morning I sent him a " Hey how's your morning going" and he responded with "was just texting you actually...good etc etc." He isnt able to text in work at all today so I won't hear from him most likely until tomorrow..
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