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Relationship Marriage To A Combat Vet With Ptsd

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I am new here and I did a cursory search of marriage to a PTSD Vet, but really just needed specific advice and venting. My husband and I became friends at the age of 14. We didn't start dating until six months before his deployment--he was Army Infantry. He lost 16 friends/brothers within a 3 month period in Afghanistan and had never really experienced death of a loved one before. Of course, the first few months he was back were great because he was still in the honeymoon period of being home. He left the Army and then went through a long period of unemployment despite already having a college degree, etc. He's a police officer now in a rough area in our city. We are in our 30s now, so we aren't incredibly young. His deployment was 2009-2010. We got married almost 2 years ago and I knew what I was getting into because his PTSD was pretty much in full swing by that point--we'd been dealing with it for 3 years already. Here are his symptoms--nightmares, compartmentalizing, insomnia, emotional withdrawal, and drinking to find relief. He is not violent, angry with me or verbally abusive.

However, he completely neglects and ignores me. He works nights and I work days so we really only see each other two times a week. Most of those nights, he does exactly what he wants to do without ever asking me if I'm interested or if I want to, etc. My choice is I either do what he wants or I spend the night by myself because he's going to do what he wants regardless. If I point out that I'm tired of constantly doing the same thing and that I'd like to stay at home with him one night, he'll sulk and basically punish me for making him do something that he doesn't want to do. I get zero affection from him--touching is a huge problem for him. Even if I initiate hand holding, he'll pull away. I don't get cuddles, hugs, etc. and honestly that's a really crappy way to go through life.

Recently, I have been diagnosed with infirtility and all that comes with that. This is a very important and personal issue for me and not once has he ever asked how I'm doing or how the doctor's appointments are going or anything. Change of any kind freaks him out, so I get that trying to have a kid could be overwhelming, but at what point do you just accept that you're going to have to do everything alone and be ok with that? I do see a therapist and she is helpful, but lately, it's just all too much for me--probably because I'm now dealing with my own issues and not getting any support from him on it despite me being there for him through all of his.

He barely talks to me about anything now. He won't talk to me about work because he said he's afraid I'll worry--which is just a huge excuse to me because I've pointed out many times that it's the NOT knowing stuff that makes me worry. It's like I have to fight to get every single word out of him and I'm exhausted. I'll fully admit that I started a fight about it last night because I'm so tired of having to poke and prod and prompt to get information from him (it's information about going on vacation with a group of our friends--I was trying to figure out if his buddies had gotten back to him yet, so it wasn't even an emotional thing until he would only respond with one word answers instead of just outright telling me).

How does one go about getting out of the box he's put me in? I don't have a partnership or marriage really. I have to make all the decisions because he just doesn't care. This puts SO much stress on me. I basically bought our house without him seeing it because he couldn't be bothered with something so trivial as our home, so he wouldn't go look at houses with me. I'm just tired of feeling alone.
 
You're right... There are a whole lot of moving pieces here.

It seems like the two parts that bother you the most are (possibly)
- Isolation
- Finite Capacity for Stress (okay, that's what I called it before I learned about the Stress Cup). It's either the blow-up or the complete shut down -often leading to isolation- that happens when someone with PTSD stress levels get too high. The Ptsd Cup Explanation

How do you get out of the box? First understand why the box exists. Isolating & Stress Management are part of PTSD. They won't go away. They can, however, be moderated & dealt with (worked around) to greater or lesser degree.

Consider it like a missing limb. Some of what you want of your husband is as -not gonna happen- as wanting your husband to walk like he used to with 2 legs. The leg is gone. It's not coming back. Doesn't mean he can't walk. Some days, with a prosthesis? Almost no difference between then and now. Some days, with crutches? Totally workable. And some days you're just stuck with hopping.

PTSD is a physical change in the brain in how it operates. It's not visible like a missing leg, but it has very clear symptoms & consequences. Many of which you're both running face first into. He has to do the majority of the work in managing symptoms, but there are also things our partners & supporters can do that are either the equivalent of taking our prosthetic leg and running away expecting us to run after them, or buying the sleek 25k racing leg so we can run sometimes, but not being bothered when today is for hopping.

Welcome to the forums :)
 
Hi! :)

I'm sorry you're going through that. Difficult doesn't even begin to describe the situation, I'm sure. Sounds absolutely heartbreaking. I hope you can find some relief soon and that he can begin to better manage his symptoms.
 
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