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Marriage

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Eji

I have three beautiful children, two boys and one girl, the eldest of whom are in their early teens. I am currently not in a good place mentally and have been struggling with depression, anxiety and PTSD for quite some time now.

I dont know if I want to be married anymore, my entire relationship was built on a lie to start off with and after all these years, I am tired of hiding. And of lying. I have never loved my wife the way that you should and I have always felt guilty for that.

I am tired of pretending to be happy, in anything in life. Relationships just seem such a mission now, 15 years later, and I dont think I can do this anymore. I dont know how much of anything I can take anymore. I want to find my happiness, but I dont think I can do that when I come home to a lie each day.

But what about my children? I cant leave them, but thats why I got married in the first place. I am so scared of hurting them, of ruining them, taking away their security.

I toss two main lines of thoughts around - you make your bed, you lie in it, but also that people change. I have nothing in common with my wife, we do very little together, sex life is non existant and I get pushed away so much if I try to instigate that I dont even bother anymore. In 15 years, she has instigated it twice.

So I dont know, is this me talking, the real me? or is this just my mental issues? I have never been happy so I think that its maybe the truth. I want to be truthful and fair to her, let her find someone else. She isnt a bad person, just isnt right for me. But I am scared of my kids and messing their lives up.

I dont know what to do, and I am so tired of thinking so much, all the time
 
I think you should do what's right for you, my mother stayed miserable with my father until I turned 16 and then told me one day out of the blue she was leaving him and had wanted to do so since I was 6 years old. I would have preferred if she'd left him when she had wanted to instead of waiting for me to turn 16 because I felt more betrayed the way she done it, if that makes sense.

The lack of intimacy..i put up with that with my ex who I recently ended the relationship with (it was about ten years of no sex) and I wish i'd ended it sooner (we're both female). It was incredibly tough to go without, I done so because I loved her and everything else about our relationship but I regret it now.

I think how you're feeling is perfectly normal and not really to do with your mental issues at all.
 
1. Ok, you stay married. You tough it out, and you do what you have to do. What you think getting a divorce will make you happy? The grass is always greener you know that and you'll still be having to live with yourself meaning you'll have the same problems, only the situation will change. If you can't deal with yourself now, what makes you think you'll be able to deal with yourself after you really screw up and get a divorce? My wife and I have an anniversary this week. We had more reasons to divorce than the average couple. We didn't. (almost doesn't count) 1. You stay married for those kids. No? You don't think? Well, I remember people saying that to me, you don't stay married for your kids. What the f*&k do you stay married for then? 2. I never did a single good thing in my whole miserable life but I stayed married. Your marriage is not based on a piece of paper and it's not a contract. You swore an oath. I think this is lost on people now. You said, "I swear in front of God and these witnesses." What you forgot? I never forgot I did that. Your children, even if they are adults will suffer if you do this. So don't. I know I pitched this in hot. I'm glad if it offends people. Everyone today is so pathetic. I know we have PTSD, many of us have sexual abuse. I know how hard it is. I know you care about your children I heard it in what you wrote. So do it for them if you can't do it for any other reason. It's worth it. Work your problems out. Keep trying. It'll pay off in the end. If everything is a mess and there is no sex it's because your marriage is sick. Sick is not dead. If your wife or kids were sick you wouldn't walk away. You don't walk away. Think about it.
 
Stupid smart phones....

Not quite sure where all the aggression is coming from Cujuw? I have thought about all the different options that I can and wanted to know others opinions and experiences and to get my feelings out a bit, to vent. People make mistakes, people put their hands on hotplates by mistakes, they dont keep them on there saying, well I made my bed, might as well keep it there until I no longer have a hand left. If a person is soul destroying and by continuing that relationship, its affecting your ability to heal, rather than support you through it, then its different. If the children are suffering as the result of a toxic relationship, do you keep them exposed to it, because the older they get, the more they understand. I agree about taking an oath, but things change, and people sometimes change and take different directions in life. Sorry you had/are having a bad experience, but not all situations are the same, no need for the aggression, but I appreciate your input anyway.

Esuc - thanks for your response as well, I know a number of people who have been from divorced parents who have gotten on just fine later on in life. I know whats right for me, I think anyway, but worried about the impact on the kids.
 
I was devastated that my mother had wanted to leave all that time and felt lied to so that's why I think it's better to do what's right for you as soon as you feel able, you're in a loveless marriage and at the end of the day I think your kids would rather you were honest and happy. It might hurt now but when they're older they'll understand better and learn from you that it's not right to remain in a n unhappy relationship.
 
My folks split when I was in my early 20s. My mother finally admitted, like you Esuc/Menu, that she had been wanting to leave him for years as he was an abusive drunk but she never had the courage as she feared, a single divorced woman, in the early 80s, with 3 kids. She probably had a point too. My sister asked her what took her so long. She was scared that we, her kids, would reject her, but we all supported her so I do get what you are saying Esuc/Menu.

At which point do you take a step back and think, right, ive done all I can? A year? 2? More? I have been trying for the past 10 years or so, and am so exhausted of trying, but scared of hurting the kids and tired of myself on top of that with my issues.
 
What I said was aggressive only if jumping at a kid to save them from walking in front of an oncoming car is aggressive. It was worth a try. Don't think I'm not compassionate, If I weren't, I wouldn't have said anything. Peace and good luck. The truth hurts.
 
What I said was aggressive only if jumping at a kid to save them from walking in front of an oncoming car is aggressiv...

Just because you’re being rude doesn’t mean it’s THE truth. This is your opinion and your opinion alone. No need to be mean by calling everyone pathetic. I’m guessing your trauma wasn’t as a child in the home? Cuz if it was, you’d probably be seeing things differently. Adults are blind in that they can’t understand that kids see EVERYTHING. Those kids KNOW their parents have a bad marriage. What is the point in lying to your kids and staying in a bad situation? It’s a myth that you are always helping your kids by staying in a bad marriage.
 
Have you talked about this with your wife? She may feel the same as you.

My ex was married 3 times (I was #2) His kids from his first marriage were pretty clear that they wished their parents hasn't stayed married as long as they did. The marriage was unhappy and so was the house.

I'm not sure what "lie"your marriage is based on. I've said that same thing about mine. Except that it wasn't exactly a lie. I would also say I never lived my ex the way you "should" love your spouse. It's complicated. I wasn't thinking real clearly when I said "yes". On the other hand, he was somewhat of a narcissist/psychopath and he really didn't live me either. He wasn't happy about the divorce, at the time, but it was the right thing to do. (He was remarried to someone at least 20 years his junior within a year. I think they were reasonably happy, until his death a few years later.)

Talk it over with your wife. Maybe try couples therapy. But don't think you have to make everyone miserable for ever and ever because of a promise/oath.

I actually said, once, to my T, that I felt guilty about the divorce because I'd changed the rules in the middle of the game. He said, for a marriage to succeed, not only CAN the rules change, they HAVE to change from time to time.
 
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