• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Married to trigger

Status
Not open for further replies.
T

Tewehuc

ok - not sure what to do from here.
I have been seeing my T for a few years and we have worked through a lot. History of CSA, sexual assaults, etc. I thought I was in a better space even though it has been a journey. Today I saw my T and I spoke about having a harder week. When it boiled down I saw that my husband's usual habits of drinking and groping me when I make dinner first get me super anxious. Then he doesn't come to bed until the middle of the night - 3 or 4 ish. Often he then wakes me - we have sex and then he goes to sleep. Well this has been a pattern for years and years. We have uncovered this pattern in an effort to care for myself better. (Sleep hygeine)
My T suggested I tell my H he needs to come to bed at the usual time or no sex. That was hard to hear.
I disassociate during sex and afterwards and prior I am incredibly anxious. We talked a lot about it. And then at the end of my session I asked if she thought I would always disassociate . She was so careful in her words and said some people no longer disassociate. She said my H is a big trigger for me especially around sex. She told me I will need to not think of sex as bad or I may find I need a partner who can treat me well.
I can't believe this is were I am at. These thoughts are really scary to me. Any advise?
 
I think you have a right to a partner who treats you well regardless.

It's worth thinking about whether you dissociate during sex because it's sex or because of the way your husband approaches you to have sex or whether it's because he's overly rough with you during sex, touches you in a way that reminds you of something/someone else etc. Simply put there are so many reasons why sex can be difficult that I wouldn't assume your husband is the trigger. you might not like what he's doing and want to talk to him about your sleep patterns but that's different to him being a trigger.
 
I think that she is saying that your husband isn't respecting your needs. He may just be in the established routine and not sensitive to you. Wouldn't the trigger be sex? I don't know.
 
I think you have a right to a partner who treats you well regardless.

It's worth thinking about whether you dissociate....


This is one piece of my puzzle ... I do disassociate at other times and often in therapy when discussing an uncomfortable situation. One often common thread is my husband. It has come up before that I am afraid of him. This sounds bad - he is not a monster but I don't know how or don't have confidence to figure out how say what I want. My T has been focusing on my sleep and how that affects so much. I guess I thought that my being married (well even before) that I should be accommodating - i have just allowed anything to happen if he wanted it. i can't believe I can write this out - it just sounds bad. In the end I just keep reliving my trauma because I am scared. I don't know if I can change this cycle.
 
For me, I believe part of recovering from my abuse is to stand up and confront anyone who crosses my boundaries whether it be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or sexual.

My husband acted like yours until I confronted him. I told him I needed to be in control of sex; when, where, how, etc. Period. He didn't like it of course and it triggered him, reminding him of the abuse he suffered as a teenager/young adult with his grandmother. Yet he listened and respected me and stopped waking me up any time he needed to get some, he stopped touching me any time he wanted to, he stopped assuming I was willing any time he was ready, etc.

Now, it's been years and I do mean years and we still haven't resolved this. Maybe we never will. He loves me and stays with me and gets I can't help how I feel and how I get triggered. I told him some of what my perp did to me. Not everything. So here we stand and stay.
 
For me, I believe part of recovering from my abuse is to stand up and confront anyone who crosses my boundaries whethe...
And I am not trying to whine but This is so much harder than I would have ever imagined. It took me almost a week to ever so gently tell my husband that I have a hard time sleeping if he comes to bed in the night and it is easier if he were to come to bed with me. He did seem to hear me but his actions haven't caught up yet. I was surprised how hard just saying that was.

You said that your husband did stop touching you all the time. Is it sincere or does he resent you for it?

My T and I talked about this and she asked me why I don't think I deserve to be treated well. I replied that I never said that and she said that I didn't have to but my actions reflect that. I am struggling with this... And as I go to write what I really think I am realizing how insensitive and negative I would appear to others and yet that has been what I am thinking about me - ( not others)for a really long time. Ahah moment .... I always thought I deserved everything I got and it was meant to be. And I needed to learn from my experience or I would keep attracting it which explained to me my repeated traumas. (I am not so closed minded and judgemental about others to think this way about anyone else's situation.) More processing to happen on my part and it is really hard.
 
Do we change - meaning can we stop being triggered since we know what it is about?
 
...took me almost a week to ever so gently tell my husband that I have a hard time sleeping if he comes to bed in the night...

I didn't say it was easy. I'm still defining my boundaries and every time it's hard to do. It takes so much inner strength and courage. The same inner strength and courage you have and all survivors of abuse have. It brought us through whatever happened to us.

And I need my space. And I need to define my space. And I need to know when and how I'll be touched. Just because I deserve to protect myself, finally.

Do we change - meaning can we stop being triggered since we know what it is about?

Not for me. I hoped it would be so. Yet I'm triggered by all kinds of things even though I know why, what, where, who, how, when. Doesn't seem to matter. I hoped it would be that I could change. Nope. Not happening with me.

I can't handle seeing carving, slicing, or serrated edges on knives. They all have to be hidden in a drawer or a block. Yet it's been years since I found out the whys. Doesn't seem to matter how much time passes or how much therapy I do. Maybe there are some things time and therapy never erases from the memory.

And being raped in a shower...never goes away. Every time I take a shower the memory looms in the back of my mind. How would I bath myself if I couldn't take a shower? I guess some things can't be changed.

Sorry for rattling on and on and on....
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top