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Maybe 24 Hours, Maybe A Week.

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I can relate as I was there, but please keep in mind all of us belong to this world and to ourselves. We just need to find the purpose that belongs to us. I believe that all people are alive for a special reason. And maybe the purpose of life is to find that reason.

Be well,
Whitebird
 
'Simply being' doesn't cut it anymore. I've 'simply been' for a few years now. I believe my purpose is done.
I cannot connect with anyone anymore.
I've lost the last person I love on this earth and the rest of them are on the other side.
I shouldn't have written this post.
I will however need to speak to someone before I go... I guess the crisis line, give them instructions.
It is terrifying but I think more terrifying to stay. I am not living. I am here but I am not living and haven't been for a long time. The worst thing in life is to have died while you're still living.
Don't anyone respond. There's no point. I just needed to speak. Needed to be heard by anyone I guess. Needed to feel like I exist. I'm going crazy from never communicating with anyone.
 
Imok, I know you said you didn't want any responses, but I just have to. I can't read your post and just walk away. You are worthwhile. You are a caring and contributing member of this forum. That is worth a lot! Think of all the newcomers you can help by sharing your experience/advice. Because you have and do. Please don't give up. We need you here.
 
I write with trepidation... Because I've been made to feel worthwhile on here before and it messes with the reality of the situation here.
A terrible thing to do to a person is to make them feel worthless to the core. That's the way I was raised, treated like for the majority of my life. Now that I've lost everyone and everything that I love that returns to me. It is ground into my mind and soul. That I am utterly worthless. What an evil thing to do to someone.
I've reached that terrible low that some of you have visited before, that nothing matters. Not a thing. I wake for nothing. I go to sleep in fear (don't know why), wake during the night in terror and suicidal, and wake with absolute dread and I count the hours until I can sleep again and not feel or think.
I can no longer socialize because I have nothing to say to anyone. Not a thing. My heart and soul is broken. I feel dead.
I wish I would have died before I was turned into something like this, so that people could remember good things about me. I am saddened and angry that I tried to be a good person all my life, went out of my way to help people, taught the younger ones to be good people, to help others, to volunteer and sacrifice..
I feel like I can't breathe.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand anything anymore.
I wish I would have been a selfish bitch all my life, like most people I know, maybe I'd be further ahead. Maybe I'd have thrived or at least survived.
 
But you have survived, Imok. And you are not worthless!! You are a good person who has tried to help others, and we need people like you in this life. I don't believe you really wish you had been selfish. Self-concerned, yes, but not selfish. There is a big difference. I understand you have lost a lot, but you are still alive. I believe others will come into your life, if you let them.
 
Imok, you have plenty to say to people, that there's no phrases and casual way to say all of it to people doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

You haven't lost your ability to love. You haven't lost the memory of what it felt like to love in times the love was returned. You haven't lost you, in all of that.

You lost people and relationships that can't come back in their original form, but you didn't lose *you*, who you are as a person.

Please don't give up on you.
 
@imok , you put into words so eloquently the thoughts and feelings that I have, but struggle to express. I wish I could properly explain how helpful that has been to me. I can't count the number of times I have read something you posted and a light goes off inside my and I think to myself, "Yes! That is exactly what I wanted to say but didn't know how."

If the worst happens and you don't post again, I hope you at least read that. Selfish of me I know, but I would feel so much better knowing that you saw that.

I also want to say that I don't judge you at all. While i don't know what it is like in your head, I know what it's like in my own. We can take time away from being around others but we can't get away from our own minds, bodies and emotions.
 
You do belong here with us in this PTSD family and we do care. Many have struggled at the bottom feeling there is no hope however we just need a spark of hope which can strengthen into a flame of hope if gently blown by us,your PTSD family. Please stay with us.
 
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