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Memories during sex

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NewBeginnings

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Not sure where this post belongs but this seems like a possible fit..I am looking for any suggestion to help.

I go to sleep at night with no problem. My DH does not go to bed at the same time but when he comes to bed several hours later he often wakes me (or somewhat wakes me) to have sex. Often I am very complacent and he can do what he pleases. Sometimes I don't "get it" until he is into it. I check out and finally it is over. Trouble is that afterwards I am so upset with myself. I feel sick and my self talk is not helpful. I wait for a couple hours to pass and then get up to shower and start my day. This start is hard because I feel dirty and anxious about what happened not to mentioned I get really tired.
When this is happening my mind often wanders to past trauma experiences but in a jumbled manner. I have pieces happening and not sure how to address it all. I thought I was doing better but then I fall backwards. When we have sex I get images of past abuse and I cannot let it go.
Does anyone have suggestions?
I thought I was handling things better and then last night brought me back to thinking I have stirred up too much stuff and my mind is making a bigger deal out of this than need be.
 
Hmmm.... talking - that should be easy but it is really hard. I don't think I ever minded before but now it seems to affect me. I feel bad that I have changed the rules. I am not sure how fair I am being to him.
There is some history here because I used to drink quite a bit and then I was more into it. Now I seldom drink because I don't feel good AND I have been taking a med for a couple of years and fearful that drinking a lot would be dangerous.
 
Not sure if I could really equate this to being drugged. That is not a nice way to think about it. I don't protest just not into it. (That said afterwards I physically feel sick - like nauseous.i think this is because of the memories it stirs up.)
I never innitiate sex which is probably why it occurs in the night. I don't particularly enjoy any aspect of it. This again seems like I changed the rules - I didn't used to think this way.
 
You can change the rules at any time, for any reason. It's your body.
I am not sure what to think about this - thank you for responding and please don't be annoyed at my thought process.

Yes - it is my body and I think I was in a bad mood when I initially posted - as I reread my post I sound whiney- really I guess was questioning the memories and feelings that sex stirs up in me.

I am embarrassed and scared to talk about it but it is a bit easier to put it out there to people who don't know me and who have a unique perspective.

So in the end yes it is my body but it is my mind that can't seem to be ok. Does this make sense?
 
I am not sure what to think about this - thank you for responding and please don't be annoyed...

I understand. I just don't want you to think that because you said "yes" at one point to it being ok for your partner to have sex with you while you're asleep, that means you can't change your mind and now say it's a no-go. I have been with guys who like the middle of the night, half asleep sex thing. I've been ok with it. I also know that if it affected me negatively, I'd have to put a stop to it. (Then again, a negative reaction for me would be a flashback in the moment and I'd fight back...based on past flashback during sex behavior.) It may not feel fair to him, but in the end, sex is a gift we give our partners, not an expectation to be taken for granted. I hope your partner would care enough to not put his wants above your emotional needs, especially since sex is affecting you so negatively. :hug:
 
I understand. I just don't want you to think that because you said "yes" at one point to it being...
I said yes by allowing it and have allowed it for so long - I believe he would be angry or at least I get impatient with myself that I this stirs up stuff for me.

(Then again, a negative reaction for me would be a flashback in the moment and I'd fight back...based on past flashback during sex behavior.)
For me during a memory - I do not move ... it almost paralyzes me until it is over .

It may not feel fair to him, but in the end, sex is a gift we give our partners, not an expectation to be taken for granted.
That is a hard concept. Sex does not seem like a gift for me rather a duty.

I hope your partner would care enough to not put his wants above your emotional needs, especially since sex is affecting you so negatively.
I need to take ownership here - I have a hard time figuring out what my needs are let alone expressing them so he is not really aware this is an issue because I am still trying to reconcile my past.
The other thing is I do enjoy being close - so in that way my needs are met. I want the affection but it has been triggering since my life was turned upside down and everything came rushing out.
 
I have flashbacks during sex and just pretend I don't to allow the sex to happen. I also seek affection and, for me, love through sex. I recreate my trauma through sex and it is just super unhealthy for me right now. I am not married so it was easier for me to get out of dating and stop having sex for now. Until I can seek it in a more healthy way.

Does he know about your past and that you're in therapy? I am assuming "DH" is your husband or partner? I ask because I would say communication is key here. Communicate what is happening with you when he wakes you at night. Maybe morning or even slightly scheduled sex would be better for you for now. Maybe he can stay a bit more in tune with you and know when you "check out".

Have you taken this to your therapist? And if so what do they say?

Maybe DH would understand, if you advised what is happening with you during wake up sex and why (trauma + working on trauma in therapy) and advised him that you need to not have sex until this is worked out. Maybe he would totally "get" that. Maybe not but maybe.

Maybe you don't go full on no sex but just need to communicate better. Many maybes here. I'd advise your therapist and gather their opinion of what they think is best for you and your healing and their opinion on how to advise DH of this. That would be my first step anyway.
 
Does he know about your past and that you're in therapy? I am assuming "DH" is your husband or partner? I ask because I would say communication is key here.

Well not really - my Dear Husband (DH) knows I have been in therapy weekly for 3+ years and that early in I was coming to terms with some CSA ... so much more has evolved that I have never told anyone about and I was certain it would have nothing to do with who I am now and I was never to speak of it... anyway - it has been a huge step that I let my T in but no I have not really shared with my DH - I know he would see me differently



Have you taken this to your therapist? And if so what do they say?

I am working on so much in therapy and while we have gently touched the surface regarding intimacy - I haven't really spoken about this much. Communication seems to be a common thread because it is a challenge for me to express myself when it may not be viewed positively.


Maybe you don't go full on no sex but just need to communicate better. Many maybes here. I'd advise your therapist and gather their opinion of what they think is best for you and your healing and their opinion on how to advise DH of this. That would be my first step anyway.

Didn't really get how much this was on my mind but as was written somewhere at some point - if it is on my mind enough to post on this online forum, it should be important enough to discuss without T - (just saying this is a really scary and vulnerable place).
 
I know he would see me differently

You don't know that. You think he will but that is a distorted thought - mind reading.

There is a great thread on here about distorted thoughts:

Name That Distorted Cognition (thought/perception)

#5

I am not saying that you can tell him right now nor am I saying you should. But I am saying that you do not know how he would react to it; negitvely or positively.

I am working on so much in therapy and while we have gently touched the surface regarding intimacy - I haven't really spoken about this much.

I would. You are dissociating when your husband wakes you wanting sex. I think that should be a common topic in therapy as it is a here and now issue that is caused by past trauma.

It can also be an instrument on what to do, how to cope, how to tell your husband if that is something you should do and how to cope if he reacts badly, how to set boundries to keep yourself and emotions safe, how to communicate, and way more.

Didn't really get how much this was on my mind but as was written somewhere at some point - if it is on my mind enough to post on this online forum, it should be important enough to discuss without T - (just saying this is a really scary and vulnerable place).

Of course it is scary. I completely understand that and I know how hard it is to bring up scary things in therapy but, yes, if this is on your mind enough to post (and because it seems like you are dissociating during sex, which, I am sure, your husband wouldn't want that either, and would want to know that is happening) it seems like something that is very important to bring up and talk in depth about in therapy.

I often advise this, as it really has helped me, if it is too hard to speak about it in therapy, then allow your therapist to read this thread. My therapist and I passed notes for a bit as I could not speak of so many things. And still today, I will read some of mine (and only mine) threads and posts and we discuss it in length. That has been a huge part of my therapy. And it is very important, in my opinion, for your therapist to know this and for your therapist to guide you on whether or not your husband should know, how to make him aware, and how to work on this, etc.
 
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