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Memory Of Being Raped: I'm Scared And Confused.

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Hi, my name is Hannah. Well, at least that's the name I wish to be called by. I feel female,though I'm physically male. Why I'm posting here is, because I'm confused about what I believe is a memory from my childhood.

My mom and dad adopted me along with my sister when I was seven. My parents also took in foster children, one of was my rapist.

Sorry if too graphic.

I was twelve and my foster brother was fifteen had been staying with my family for three months. He bullied and teased me about being feminine and being smart. However, I still liked him. I thought he was cool. It was a hot, summer's day; I was running around waiting for my foster brother. He had said he would buy me my favorite candy and a pop. While he got the candy and pop, he told me he decided to get me more by stealing more.

He told me that he put down a mattress for us to eat the candy on. I can remember it being stuffy, and blazing hot. We laid on the bed for awhile eating the candy, as he asked if I could do his homework later. I agreed. Then he took his shirt off. I was embarrassed(I thought he was rather handsome.) Then he undid his pants, and as he did told me to take of my shirt. I was blushing and laughing at him. Then got back on the hard mattress. He then pulled quickly and licked my stomach. I was giggling though I told to stop that it was weird. He kept licking me, and to knock him off laughing: he had his hand on my chest. I told him that wanted to stop, but he pined me down, and kissed me, forcefully. His tongue going through my mouth and it felt like he was taking my whole mouth. I pushed him as hard as I could, and he smacked me. He I tried to run, but he grabbed my leg and hit me again. He then old me that if didn't fight him I would like this. He started rubbing my penis, begged him to stop I told him I hate touching my penis; he laughed at me and kept holding me down and rubbing. I got an erection, and cried. I kept screaming and telling Ryan to stop, but he wouldn't stop. I feel worthless. I just laid there. He told me he wanted to see me ejaculate, and began stroking. It felt disgusting. Everything him touching my penis and looking at it. His grip hurt, and while he was doing that he kept kissing me.

Ryan's body was drench in sweat. He hit me once more, and that if I scream once more he'll break one of my legs. I was scared, so I stopped. I orgasmed all I could feel is that disgusting liquid on me. He told me that since I came I liked. I was confused I thought I did because of what he said, and felt pathetic. I was mostly confused because of ejaculating from my penis. I could feel my heart racing, as he put his finger inside my anus, and told me "You're my bitch, 'Jack'" I was tired and hurt I stopped fighting, and screaming, I kept crying. He did that until my penis was erect. I told him my penis hurt. It was burning.

He walked up to me, and made take his boxers off, and then held his penis to my lips, and told me to lick it; I didn't protest, and said if I bit him he would kill me. I thought he could have. I just did as he told me, and after that he forced it in my mouth. Ryan was telling me things like "You're a good slut, you should have just let me do this to start." I didn't know what a slut was. He orgasmed, it was so f*cking nasty. He4 told me to swallow, so I did.

I asked him for some pop to wash out the taste, and he let me drink it. He told me to wait there, je didn't tell me where he was going. I was afraid he would hurt me later if I did, so I just waited there. I feel asleep. He said he just took a shower, and he would stop ,and give m the rest of the candy if I let him f*ck me. I told him okay, and let him do it. I closed my eyes. He told me I would like his dick, he kept saying that over and over. When he put it in if felt so much pain, but I wanted him to stop so I didn't say anything, I bit my lip. It felt an eternity he just grunted and grunted ,and I yelled occasionally, I could feel something warm on my thigh, pain and more pain.

When he was done, I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom. I cleaned what I found was blood, and his semen. I never told anyone ,because Ryan told me no-one would believe me, and I thought he was right.

What did I do wrong? I feel disgusted by myself for just laying there. I have a counselor to talk about my depression, anxiety, and my gender identity, but I'm scared of telling her. I have reoccurring nightmares about it. Though I'm scared no-one will trust me.
 
Hi Hannah, and welcome. I encourage you to tell your counselor so that she can help you work through that traumatic experience. It sounds as if you are experiencing post traumatic stress as you're experiencing nightmares, but nobody here can diagnose you with the actual disorder. And, you did absolutely nothing wrong!
 
You did nothing wrong Hannah. You were a child who had a crush on a cute boy. He took advantage of that and used his age and physical size to intimidate and assault you. I admire your courage in being able to share what happened to you here. If you are able to do so, and you trust your counsellor, then you could think about printing off what you wrote and giving it to them to read, as that may be an easier way to start to talk about it.

Physical arousal or orgasm during child abuse or rape is more common than you might think. Like the abuse or rape itself, it's hard to talk about so a lot of people blame themselves or hate their bodies because they feel like their body betrayed them. This is especially difficult when you feel female but have a male body. I'm kinda the opposite. I always felt like a boy, but I am physically female.
 
Thank you, all of you. I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Because of what I read I decided to tell my counselor, I had an appointment with her today. She didn't say I was lying or ask if it was my imagination. She let me talk, and then she suggested I tell my doctor to see if he needs to diagnose, (she said I probably should be, but she said she couldn't say that,because she's not a doctor) me to help me better, and look into rape or child abuse support groups; I plan to, and she's told me I could talk to her. I really, really, can't say how much I want to thank all of you.

Mayday, my counselor told me what you did in your post. She told me even if I liked him, it didn't mean it liked what he did, and told me that it's like when I get an erection normally. I don't want them, but they happen. There's no control, it's just bodily reaction, that I wasn't a slut, or enjoyed it, because of those reactions.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past five days at all. Trying to think about whether to tell or not. I didn't plan on telling her, and honestly didn't think posting here would change. My eyes are blood shot from lack of sleep and crying. This felt so painful.

I've always worried, if I just didn't lay there, it wouldn't be dealing this. He staying there for a years was worse, I felt trapped. I always worried he would do it again. He actually asked me, how much I liked it the day after in bed. I was still sore, and I told him I hated it, and he told me that you only ejaculate, if you like it a lot, I was worried he was right. That I like that. I was terrified one night get on bed and do it again. I felt tortured for more after it. When I was a little girl, before he did that, I loved being hugged and cuddle even with my foster siblings. Though after that I was and am terrified of being touched. To this day, I have serous issues with people touching me. I never thought about why I don't like touching or being touched.

I had one boyfriend for a six months when I was twenty. He thought I was nice he. I kissed in the mouth him only once, though we stop soon. I was shaking. I was not nervous about hugging or cuddling him after awhile, because I felt safe around him. That itself was hard for me. I always pulled away when he tried to kiss me. I wish I didn't. I loved him so much. I just could feel his tongue, when I thought about kissing Chris. I feel like I lost someone great just, because what happened.He was the first person I came out to, and he said he still loved me. I feel so miserable, he's not in my life. I'm so mad at myself. I mean he didn't say I did anything wrong. He just told me I needed focus on myself more than him. I tried to kill myself twice when I was with him. He was getting depressed, because I was hurting myself. I'm so stupid. Though even though he told me he weren't a couple. He like made me live with him for another month so he could make sure I wouldn't hurt myself. I hate myself so much, because I just couldn't kiss him. It's the only good kiss I can remember. Maybe there'll be another Chris someday, I guess.
 
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