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Dom Violence Mental Abuse

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Meadowsweet

Its a term that I think is often misused or misunderstood. If two people are having an argument and call each other names or say horrible things, or sulk and give each other the cold shoulder for a while, that's common anger or hurt. It's reactive.

Mental abuse is intended to dominate and destroy the mental strength of the other. It's often quite quiet and subtle. It's the part of abuse where the perpetrator is the one acting like the victim because the you pushed him too far - he feels terrible for what he did because you pushed him too far. Or befriending people you know, being the charming, genuine person who no one would believe did those things - it's a way of isolating you mentally.

I was young in my first abusive relationship and he would laugh at me like I was crazy for expecting anything different from a relationship, and tell me that other women did or didn't do this or that and that it was quite normal, and it was me that was going on. Or he would say other women are stupid when they react this/that way, and that I wasn't like them. There's so many different ways, but it's the consistency that chips away at the mental capacity to recognise abuse.

It's very subtle, but the damage is very difficult to overcome. I've been trying to understand it.

Any thoughts?
 
I have experienced this to the point that I questioned my own sanity. :nb:

To me the worst part of mental abuse, which I despise, is projection where I'm told I have some issues or are behaving "such and such" yet it is really a direct reflection of them and their behaviour yet they are convinced it is my fault or failing and cannot see anything else. You can't even reason with this type of abuse as they have become judge, jury and executioner of their own behaviours they have placed upon you and 'convict' you for their actions. (Hope that makes sense).
 
I agree.

What's difficult for me to 'get' through, is that ordinary, non-abusive people do that too. I had it recently when someone challenged me for asking questions and not reaching the conclusion that they had, I replied with a very reasonable, balanced explanation, to which they they stomped off claiming that they wouldn't be arguing because a sore spot in me had been touched. That person is projecting, but they're not being abusive. But I think they are genuinely projecting and mind reading, imagining that they see me. But most likely, because they haven't accepted that they are being effected by their own emotions, not because they want to hurt somebody else.

When an abuser does it, it is so pervasive, it's like it's planned (perhaps it is?). What scares me, is that people who have a history of abuse or mental illness are more vulnerable to being mentally abused.

How can we tell the difference?
 
What scares me, is that people who have a history of abuse or mental illness are more vulnerable to being mentally abused.
That's because it's close to their normal.

How can we tell the difference?
I don't know but then I sometimes do. Like when my husband is well he is fine but he can be mentally abusive (well, tries) when he is unwell (which I don't stand for). Intent was my first thought but then that doesn't fit as I know my husband doesn't mean to be abusive to me and when he is unwell his only focus is himself........so that then leads me to think that some
people who have a history of abuse or mental illness
are more likely to abuse? Is that a fair statement?
 
lol, according to supporters I've seen, everyone who has a mental illness is abusive and every supporter is a victim. It's something I've developed some teflon for. I know that there are people who are genuinely in loving relationships and have good partners.

However, one person who abused me had been a child of an alcoholic father who beat his mother, another had a history of mental illness, another lived in poverty as a child and was bullied at school. So yes, there are very often (always?) issues that lie behind it, even if those issues aren't at the level where it may be considered a mental illness.

Because the word abuse is such a commonly used word, I don't equate abusive behavior to a person who is an abuser - A woman who's dumped her husband might turn to her girlfriends and say, "he phoned up and was abusive to me, calling me this that and the other" etc. He might go to his mates, and say "I gave her everything she asked for, and she shouted that I was useless and good for nothing and she wanted me gone just because I went for a few pints with the lads". Her behavior has been abusive, and his behavior has been abusive. But if we call them abusers because they have got angry and tried to hurt the person who hurt them, then 99.9% of the population could probably be called an abuser.

Mental abuse I think is ALL about the intent. Someone who abuses someone mentally wants to control, dominate, possess and damage somebody else's mental health. It's calculated manipulation - rather than a bad word said in anger.

Does that differentiation make sense?

Where your relationship lies on it, I think is something for you to decide because only you and he know the truth. That's what I would say to anyone, because the mental abuser will try to convince others that the partner is abusing them. I'm not relating that to you for a second but that is why I am very careful about siding with anyone unless they are wanting help to leave the relationship. Sometimes they're just wanting people to help them abuse their partner.
 
Mental abuse I think is ALL about the intent. Someone who abuses someone mentally wants to control, dominate, possess and damage somebody else's mental health. It's calculated manipulation - rather than a bad word said in anger.
So the same can then said for physical abuse?

But if we call them abusers because they have got angry and tried to hurt the person who hurt them, then 99.9% of the population could probably be called an abuser.
True. I don't 100% agree with this though as someone starts abusing at some point....eg those things which irk you but you put down to them having a bad day but then, over time, they slowly escalate to happening more often with more and more severity. That's how some abusers start out and slowly push the boundaries to see how far they can get.

according to supporters I've seen, everyone who has a mental illness is abusive and every supporter is a victim.
From my point of view - 'ouch'. I am not a victim but I have to fight and stand really firm ground to not be the 'punching bag' of an illness. It is god awful hard some days but the good outweighs the bad and my husband is a good man for the better part. Being military trained his defence is attack and when overloaded and stressed it's usually the nearest and dearest which wear the wrath. I try to separate the illness from the person but that is a blurred line.

everyone who has a mental illness is abusive and every supporter is a victim
While you say this, I have to say that family and friends comment that they don't know how I do it as, in their words, my husband is a 'broken/damaged' person. They have genuine concern and compassion for what he has experienced and what his life has now become and they only see limited parts of the whole picture. It is not common for them to make reference to the strength it must take to deal with someone who has an illness like my husband's and that is how I see myself - compassionate and strong (not a victim) but there are days when I feel that I didn't deserve this nor did I know what I was 'signing up for'. Yes, you've hit a raw nerve here and I've had to say my peace.

Mental abuse I think is ALL about the intent. Someone who abuses someone mentally wants to control, dominate, possess and damage somebody else's mental health.
In a perfect world with the simplest definition, I agree.

Mental abuse can also be subtle though with someone chipping away at you for years, dragging down your self esteem (intent - yes) to then get you to a place where you have nothing left and succumb to their treatment. It sometimes even results in physical abuse. When you break a person's spirit they are more likely to 'accept' bad treatment than stand up and set boundaries enforcing their limits. They often lose sight of their limits.
 
So the same can then said for physical abuse?

No. If somebody calls you a bitch a million times in anger, you are still left with the possibility of recovery. Physical violence that happens in anger endangers life. And when you're dead or brain damaged, there isn't any chance of recovery.

I don't 100% agree with this though as someone starts abusing at some point

I guess that has to be measured by noticing if a pattern occurs (or 3 strikes and they're out). If you walk away from people at the sign of the first argument, then you'd never find any compromises.


From my point of view - 'ouch'.

As I said, I know there's good people out there. But I've never had a supporter, and so I can only go by what I see on the other forum. I'm not military trained, I'm trained by people who have told me to go away and not show any emotion. So I don't get angry or lose my temper, I go away and deal with my emotions by myself because I don't want to hurt anyone else. But people wanting to find out about PTSD are told that anger is a primary symptom, that somebody isolating is abusive, that not giving enough physical affection amounts to emotional neglect and that everybody with PTSD hurts other people.

So I look at what goes on, and PTSD seems like a label that attracts hate and prejudice and is dangerous for me. It's very unhealthy, so the way I deal with that is to acknowledge that it's just a few people who join together and have created that victim culture, and that not everybody is like that. I have to look at it with a healthy bit of cynical humour, or I would never go near the outside world.


Mental abuse can also be subtle though with someone chipping away at you for years, dragging down your self esteem (intent - yes) to then get you to a place where you have nothing left and succumb to their treatment. It sometimes even results in physical abuse. When you break a person's spirit they are more likely to 'accept' bad treatment than stand up and set boundaries enforcing their limits. They often lose sight of their limits.

Yes, I agree absolutely with this. It's that subtle manipulation with intent to control etc, that is hard even to notice, and even harder to explain to someone else, because no isolated incident sounds like anything much. And if you start adding up all the little things, we just end up sounding paranoid, and you can guarantee that he'll be there pointing out that you're crazy imagining things.
 
It's that subtle manipulation with intent to control etc, that is hard even to notice, and even harder to explain to someone else, because no isolated incident sounds like anything much. And if you start adding up all the little things, we just end up sounding paranoid, and you can guarantee that he'll be there pointing out that you're crazy imagining things.
Wholeheartedly agree!
 
I don't find it haunts me like emotional abuse

this isn't really what I was talking about. My point was that people do argue, and people do say hurtful things in anger - but that most couples have arguments where one or the other gets angry and says something they shouldn't. I made the differentiation between bad words said in anger, and the deliberate manipulative abuse of somebody who mentally abuses.

You asked me if the same could be said for physical violence. My point is, that a single attack can kill a person. Emotional abuse takes a lot more consistency to do damage. Being told to F off once doesn't have the same effect as being stabbed once.
 
I came across a story of the mental abuse I am talking about here, and how the person is using the others vulnerability to mental illness to abuse them, quite deliberately to control and make suffer.

What is so sad, is that it's that attitude that 'well doesn't mental illness make you more likely to be abusive", that enables abuse like this to continue and to be supported in society.
 
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