I have problems and alot of emotional pain. Im 31 years old now. I remember being verbally and mentally abused almost daily as a little kid. I always feel guilty about everything and anything as thats how I was raised. Please let me know in your responses if I am allowed to feel this pain. I need to find some way to get over this stuff, and your opinions will mean a great deal to me. My mom was divorced and single since I was in kindergarden. She was/is a mean angry woman. She yelled at me constantly, daily, for anything and everything. She would even pick verbal fights with strangers. She was looking to fight with people, and often did. It was awful to be around, and worse to get attacked daily. She was so f**ked up, and verbally abused me constantly. I could go on for days about it, but there is alot more to talk about. So, I lived on edge. I was often in a full panic that she was going to start yelling and screaming at me. I feel that this is where my anxiety must have come from. My body chemistry learned how to pump the fear feelings, and I was always on edge. I hid in my room, as it was safer in there. In a few fits of her rage, I was even able to lock her out of there successfully. Eventually I would be driven to the point where I would be hysterically crying and hoping there was a way out of there for me. I remember the level of emotion I was driven to... blinding anger. I just wanted her to get the f**k away from me. And I was only freakin a little kid. Why was I stuck with this person? I was not beaten. And I feel guilty that I complain because of those who were/are. I was however, mentally abused, and verbally abused. She would tease me about that and say "go call social services" to me when I was a little kid who did not even know what that meant. I google mental and verbal abuse and all they talk about is men doing this to women. That makes me f**king very angry. What about the reverse of that? What about a parent doing that to a kid? Is my Mom not an abusive person just because she did not hit me? Isn't what she did to my mind and emotions enough? When I was 17 she got married. I moved to a new town with her new family. She would still pick fights with me and would kick me out to my fathers house alot. Once, I did not return for a full year. I also would not take her calls. She came to my dads and stole the license plates off my car so I could not drive (but my grandpa bought me the car and my dad called him and he straightened her out and I got the plates back) So that was my childhood. Being mentally abused and verbally abused until I stayed at my dads permanently when i turned 18. My dad never got mad. He is a great guy, im lucky. He helped me chill out quite a bit after the argumentative approach I learned from her. College was fun. I drank alot. If I smoke pot, I can get some bad panic attacks. It feels alot like the fear I used to feel when I was anxious that my mom was gonna start. After college, I truly wanted a career with a normal life ahead of me. I spent an inheritance from my grandfather and opened a small business and to save money I lived at home with my dad. I was doing the right thing to start a real life for myself and not waste it away like most would. I worked every single day for two years without one day off (honestly besides Christmas im dead serious). I was exhausted and could not think clearly. My anxiety was off the wall and xanax was/is all that can stop my head from thinking in circles. The town was over-hyped, the competition opened and ruined me, and my rent was extremely high. All of my money was almost gone. This was really upsetting, but I blocked it out. I think I learned to block stuff out from dealing with my mom. So I took it as a sign and moved to San Diego, my dream town (I am a surfer) I got on the horse and put myself back out there and got a great career start with and investment firm (all I even wanted was a good career and a normal future). My boss got fired 2 week later, and I got laid off cause he was gone 4 months later. I was in a 2 year contract and could not get back in the biz anywhere. I was devastated, but blocked it out. I moved to Los Angeles where my old college roomate was living. I was unemployed. Then I got an amazing job, but was basically used for 2 weeks to sell at a tradeshow, then tossed aside. I was broke. I had to move. I could not find a career. I did not know what to do. I was drained and depressed. I moved back to Florida and brought a girl with me from L.A. I really loved her. She was not perfect, but who is. I was willing to accept some of her character flaws. She could be a bit selfish and very hyped up at times which becomes stressful. Long story short, she had a secret meth snorting drug problem. This explained her hyper nature and odd behavior at times. I can't believe I had no idea. We were going to break up, but had a lease together. I was out surfing and when I came home, she was drunk and high with her girlfriend. The argument started, they were really out of control, I called 911 and the cops arrived. The moron cop (female actually) put a gun in my face and just assumed that the guy was the one out of line. I explained that I was the one who called !! She put her foot on the back of my head actually after that. I then went to jail. I had no one to call. I had nothing. I had no way out. I was framed. This was insane. I felt like I was a being kidnapped. There was no way to get out. I had no help. They wanted to charge me with domestic disturbance and resisting arrest (because I was trying to explain I was the one who called 911, that stupid cop b*tchh !!) I got out. I could not go home, so I had to stay at my MOMS in florida. (I think she thought I did it by the way) I called an attorney. After a few months phone records were shown, and the charges were not even filed !! Justice. However, I still that that girl should have been charged with making false police statement and gone to jail herself. The law is not a weapon to manipulate. Its also wrong because alot of people are really abused and false claims weaken the reality of true cases. My mental state was very bad after all of this. I was quiet for some time. I felt like everything was not real. Being trapped in jail and thinking I was framed and trapped was sensory overload. I was petrified. I was numb. If I saw a cop, I would have a full blown anxiety attack. Thank god for xanax. I stopped believing in God. As a matter of fact, I lost faith when I went into jail. I refused to allow my mind to ask god for help. I know there is no such thing. All I have is ME !! So f**k god. I actually hate god and the though angers me greatly. (by the way unemployed the majority of the time in florida except for a few months a girl neighbor got me a medical sales job, but did not get me the leads she promised because I would not date or sleep with her... honestly I can't win) So now I had to move home back to my fathers house. I am 31. I live at home. I tried for the last 2 years to get a career going. I had two gigs (that I knew would not last) but have been unemployed most of the time. I do not speak with my mom and I made the point clear that she should never reach out to me again. (mostly as she is very wealthy from a massive inheritance yet stranded me financially after all I have been through and because I have hatred for the abuse I went through from her as a child) A social worker I was friendly with in florida says it sounds like I have post traumatic stress disorder. (I can see my mom laughing at me now... poor little me) I began to think this week that maybe I am already dead, and this is some dream, I need to accept my death and then I can leave to go into black nothingness. Im not joking. I dont know what to do with my life. I think in circles. I think about moving again (but im broke). I feel like I am crawling in my own skin and need to move because I cannot breathe. I was a confident guy who would take on any challenge and wanted to win. Now I dont even date anymore because I am embarrased of myself, my failures, and that I live at home (in my dads den). Not to mention, I know its impossible to be with a woman forever because they are all evil at heart, look at all the women in my story from my mom, to the girlfirend, the cop, the neighbor, they are all evil at heart and hide that till time exposes it. I feel like my hormones that attract me (and most men) to women could be an addiction. I know that they are bad and will ruin my life, but its hard to not want to be with one. I wish I was not lonely and could just .. I dont know, do nothing I guess. I think about the "S" word that we are not supposed to discuss on here. I need to be on xanax or I cant deal with being awake. I would smoke pot to escape but I dont want a panic attack from it. I can sleep all day, every day, for weeks, with the occasional break to go drinking at a bar) The best way to describe it is that I have massive anxiety, panic attacks, anger, and I think in circles and circles and circles till I feel spaced out of my head for real .. about where to move and what to do for a career and with my life if I can do anything at all. If I had a career, I could bury these thoughts and the anger about my past and focus on work. I need help but the psychologist or psychiatrists dont help. I need a life and thats not their job. My past haunts me and has created my personality and who I have become emotionally I dont have the heart left to try anymore. I cant get back up. Im so tired. Im very sad. I saw a movie today, and I cried, which I have not done in about a year maybe, it felt like an orgasm over my whole body. It released some pain. I have so much more pain inside. Im just f**ed up. I dont know what to do. Im so angry now. Im very angry. I have become my Mother. Any advice?