Peer support subsequent to trauma contributes to full recovery

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Mental Verbal Abuse of Child-Pain-Anger-Xanax-Jail

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by averyave, Nov 6, 2008.

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  1. averyave

    averyave New Member

    I have problems and alot of emotional pain. Im 31 years old now.

    I remember being verbally and mentally abused almost daily as a little kid. I always feel guilty about everything and anything as thats how I was raised. Please let me know in your responses if I am allowed to feel this pain. I need to find some way to get over this stuff, and your opinions will mean a great deal to me.

    My mom was divorced and single since I was in kindergarden. She was/is a mean angry woman. She yelled at me constantly, daily, for anything and everything. She would even pick verbal fights with strangers. She was looking to fight with people, and often did. It was awful to be around, and worse to get attacked daily. She was so f**ked up, and verbally abused me constantly. I could go on for days about it, but there is alot more to talk about.

    So, I lived on edge. I was often in a full panic that she was going to start yelling and screaming at me. I feel that this is where my Anxiety must have come from. My body chemistry learned how to pump the fear feelings, and I was always on edge. I hid in my room, as it was safer in there. In a few fits of her rage, I was even able to lock her out of there successfully. Eventually I would be driven to the point where I would be hysterically crying and hoping there was a way out of there for me. I remember the level of emotion I was driven to... blinding anger. I just wanted her to get the f**k away from me. And I was only freakin a little kid. Why was I stuck with this person?

    I was not beaten. And I feel guilty that I complain because of those who were/are. I was however, mentally abused, and verbally abused. She would tease me about that and say "go call social services" to me when I was a little kid who did not even know what that meant. I google mental and verbal Abuse and all they talk about is men doing this to women. That makes me f**king very angry. What about the reverse of that? What about a parent doing that to a kid? Is my Mom not an abusive person just because she did not hit me? Isn't what she did to my mind and emotions enough?

    When I was 17 she got married. I moved to a new town with her new family. She would still pick fights with me and would kick me out to my fathers house alot. Once, I did not return for a full year. I also would not take her calls. She came to my dads and stole the license plates off my car so I could not drive (but my grandpa bought me the car and my dad called him and he straightened her out and I got the plates back)

    So that was my childhood. Being mentally abused and verbally abused until I stayed at my dads permanently when i turned 18. My dad never got mad. He is a great guy, im lucky. He helped me chill out quite a bit after the argumentative approach I learned from her.

    College was fun. I drank alot. If I smoke pot, I can get some bad panic attacks. It feels alot like the fear I used to feel when I was anxious that my mom was gonna start.

    After college, I truly wanted a career with a normal life ahead of me. I spent an inheritance from my grandfather and opened a small business and to save money I lived at home with my dad. I was doing the right thing to start a real life for myself and not waste it away like most would. I worked every single day for two years without one day off (honestly besides Christmas im dead serious). I was exhausted and could not think clearly. My anxiety was off the wall and xanax was/is all that can stop my head from thinking in circles. The town was over-hyped, the competition opened and ruined me, and my rent was extremely high. All of my money was almost gone. This was really upsetting, but I blocked it out. I think I learned to block stuff out from dealing with my mom.

    So I took it as a sign and moved to San Diego, my dream town (I am a surfer) I got on the horse and put myself back out there and got a great career start with and investment firm (all I even wanted was a good career and a normal future). My boss got fired 2 week later, and I got laid off cause he was gone 4 months later. I was in a 2 year contract and could not get back in the biz anywhere. I was devastated, but blocked it out.

    I moved to Los Angeles where my old college roomate was living. I was unemployed. Then I got an amazing job, but was basically used for 2 weeks to sell at a tradeshow, then tossed aside. I was broke. I had to move. I could not find a career. I did not know what to do. I was drained and Depressed.

    I moved back to Florida and brought a girl with me from L.A. I really loved her. She was not perfect, but who is. I was willing to accept some of her character flaws. She could be a bit selfish and very hyped up at times which becomes stressful. Long story short, she had a secret meth snorting drug problem. This explained her hyper nature and odd behavior at times. I can't believe I had no idea. We were going to break up, but had a lease together. I was out surfing and when I came home, she was drunk and high with her girlfriend. The argument started, they were really out of control, I called 911 and the cops arrived. The moron cop (female actually) put a gun in my face and just assumed that the guy was the one out of line.

    I explained that I was the one who called !! She put her foot on the back of my head actually after that. I then went to jail. I had no one to call. I had nothing. I had no way out. I was framed. This was insane. I felt like I was a being kidnapped. There was no way to get out. I had no help. They wanted to charge me with domestic disturbance and resisting arrest (because I was trying to explain I was the one who called 911, that stupid cop b*tchh !!)

    I got out. I could not go home, so I had to stay at my MOMS in florida. (I think she thought I did it by the way) I called an attorney. After a few months phone records were shown, and the charges were not even filed !! Justice. However, I still that that girl should have been charged with making false police statement and gone to jail herself. The law is not a weapon to manipulate. Its also wrong because alot of people are really abused and false claims weaken the reality of true cases.

    My mental state was very bad after all of this. I was quiet for some time. I felt like everything was not real. Being trapped in jail and thinking I was framed and trapped was sensory overload. I was petrified. I was numb. If I saw a cop, I would have a full blown anxiety attack. Thank god for xanax. I stopped believing in God. As a matter of fact, I lost faith when I went into jail. I refused to allow my mind to ask god for help. I know there is no such thing. All I have is ME !! So f**k god. I actually hate god and the though angers me greatly. (by the way unemployed the majority of the time in florida except for a few months a girl neighbor got me a medical sales job, but did not get me the leads she promised because I would not date or sleep with her... honestly I can't win)

    So now I had to move home back to my fathers house. I am 31. I live at home. I tried for the last 2 years to get a career going. I had two gigs (that I knew would not last) but have been unemployed most of the time. I do not speak with my mom and I made the point clear that she should never reach out to me again. (mostly as she is very wealthy from a massive inheritance yet stranded me financially after all I have been through and because I have hatred for the abuse I went through from her as a child)

    A social worker I was friendly with in florida says it sounds like I have post traumatic stress disorder. (I can see my mom laughing at me now... poor little me) I began to think this week that maybe I am already dead, and this is some dream, I need to accept my death and then I can leave to go into black nothingness. Im not joking.

    I dont know what to do with my life. I think in circles. I think about moving again (but im broke). I feel like I am crawling in my own skin and need to move because I cannot breathe. I was a confident guy who would take on any challenge and wanted to win. Now I dont even date anymore because I am embarrased of myself, my failures, and that I live at home (in my dads den). Not to mention, I know its impossible to be with a woman forever because they are all evil at heart, look at all the women in my story from my mom, to the girlfirend, the cop, the neighbor, they are all evil at heart and hide that till time exposes it. I feel like my hormones that attract me (and most men) to women could be an addiction. I know that they are bad and will ruin my life, but its hard to not want to be with one. I wish I was not lonely and could just .. I dont know, do nothing I guess. I think about the "S" word that we are not supposed to discuss on here. I need to be on xanax or I cant deal with being awake. I would smoke pot to escape but I dont want a panic attack from it. I can sleep all day, every day, for weeks, with the occasional break to go drinking at a bar) The best way to describe it is that I have massive anxiety, panic attacks, anger, and I think in circles and circles and circles till I feel spaced out of my head for real .. about where to move and what to do for a career and with my life if I can do anything at all. If I had a career, I could bury these thoughts and the anger about my past and focus on work. I need help but the psychologist or psychiatrists dont help. I need a life and thats not their job. My past haunts me and has created my personality and who I have become emotionally I dont have the heart left to try anymore. I cant get back up. Im so tired. Im very sad. I saw a movie today, and I cried, which I have not done in about a year maybe, it felt like an orgasm over my whole body. It released some pain. I have so much more pain inside.

    Im just f**ed up. I dont know what to do. Im so angry now. Im very angry. I have become my Mother.

    Any advice?
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  3. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

    Wow, I have ADD and it was extremely difficult to read that long post, but I was meant to read it.

    First, welcome to the forum. I hope it's OK that I'm female and I understand why you hate your mom. Unfortunately my PTSD made me similar to your mom and now my son hates me. So I can relate to what you are saying and I know I'm the one who ruined his life. I did try to help fix it when I was getting better but he is beyond reach.

    He looks like his dad and has his manerisms and gets up in my face and screams profanities at me like his dad did. He would hit me if he thought he could get away with it but he knows I will call the police because I did when he threw water in my face because he was fighting with his girlfriend.

    He thinks all woman are bad, and I tried to tell him it not a gender issue but a character issue. Both men and woman are bad and do different things in the form of abuse and I hope you can recognize that so that you will start to heal and find a meaningful relationship. In a lot of cases we tend to marry our parents (not literally)

    I married a man like my father, and had to divorce him. My son had a girlfriend like me and they broke up and so the learned behavior continues until someone realizes it and decided to change it.

    I'm married to a very nice man now and we don't abuse each other, but my son still verbally abuses me when no one is around. Clever young man! I apologized to him several times for the way I behaved when he was a child and I'm not like that to him anymore, but I guess what goes around comes around.

    I hope that you stick it out in here becuse there is a lot of people who can help you through talking and realeasing the frustration. There is a section for trauma diaries and you can write real long posts about how you hate your mom and she ruined your life until the stress eases up a bit.

    Please just take small steps with this OK? You sound very hyped up and ready to lose it and I hope that doesn't happen. I will be honest with you in that you won't heal over night and this is a long drawn out process that has a lot of set backs to get ahead.

    Try to take it easy on yourself, try to realize you feel this way because it's a learned behavior to verbally beat on yourself. I think in the end it would be good to not blame, but just solve the problem. I'm not sure how you would do that because yours is different than mine. I love my dad and he didn't verbally abuse me but he did everyone else.

    There are many people in here that can tell you how they are dealing with the same thing you are, from verbal abuse. I know it's real and it messes people up because I love my son and I messed him up and it hurts me to know I caused it.

    I suspect your mom hasn't apologized or acknowledged it yet? She may never do it either and that will be something to work on as well.

    Good luck to you and I hope you can find some answers in here. There is a wealth of information to read. Just make sure you read the editorial policies before posting in the forum, so you can come out of moderation soon.

  4. averyave

    averyave New Member


    Yes, I know it was a little long .. actually could have gone longer with all the details.

    I really appreciate your response .. alot. I like your point that this is a "learned behavior." I have a good friend who is very easy going and upbeat, and I notice the more I am around people of that nature, it helps me unlearn what I dealt with.

    One of the biggest things that makes me angry .. is the Guilt I fell for feeling upset about my childhood. It was criticized if I felt upset about it.

    As far as PTSD .. I feel I have it. I think words and mental abuse is as rough as a hand. (yet i know people have it worse than me in many ways)

    The time that I got really bad, was after I was basically framed and was in jail for a short period of time (the stress was not being able to get out with no one to call as jail phone only calls local and I do not remember anyones phone numbers or really know anyone local) When I got out of there, my symptoms were of the PTSD type as I describe in my store and more. And it was then a girl i knew who was a social worked told me about PTSD and thought I may be suffering from it from the experience.

    Anwyay, thanks again for your opinion (I still feel guilty for feeling bad for myself) I think I need to have some sort of mental funeral for my Mom as I dont speak to her, and never want to again. I think rather than having it on my mind, I need to set it away. I am gonna think more about that tonight.

    I would like to give back to you as well. I know where your son in his feelings. It sounds like you apologized and thats great. My mom has not "apologized" but likes to pretend nothing happened. Eventually she slips up and its the same old abusive stuff from her (she is cleaver also and has a great image with strangers and they think she is a super great person) I guess if you can stay consistent with him, and keep the apology legit, maybe over time you both can feel better.
  5. averyave

    averyave New Member

    Oh, and from what I have been told from my Mom.. she was mentally, verbally, and beaten as a child. From my uncle, I think know that he dealt with some very unusual things in the family as well.... but I dont ask any questions about that. Its kinda messed up but that family is very wealthy and people tend to overlook things if you have money i think. Its messed up.
  6. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    Welcome to the forum.....

    I too had a lot of verbal abuse, as I guess many here might have gone through also.....I think, for me at least, that being beaten you kind of get over after a time, the physical pain leaves your body. But the emotional is hard to make go away. It's locked in your brain, it can't escape, and it always reminds you of what was said.

    Yes, I can still hear the words that were said to me, very loud. You are not alone...
  7. TLight

    TLight I'm a VIP


    My goodness.....your mom sounds exactly like mine. It's horrifying. No wonder you are having trouble. Then the bad girl, so sorry you've been treated so horribly. The injustice of these things are so hard. The anger seems to be endless.

    I too just wanted a career and kept running into sexual abusive bosses and clients. I too feel like my life and career has been taken from me.
    Sure does sound like you have PTSD.

    Take your time. Be nice to you. Try to find ways to release the anger and not keep revisiting the past. Writing has done wonders for me. I still sit and just pound away at the keyboard in order to get in out of me. But sometimes there seems to be so much!
    After almost 3 years of therapy and a ton of crying, screaming, writing..........accepting..........accepting is a big thing. Something about acceptance of the terrible way things have been. Acceptance is a huge part of healing. But it is definately a process............a long difficult process that you need a lot of support with and gentleness for yourself.

    take your time. Be very careful who you allow within your 'sphere' right now, you don't need anymore injury. Forgive yourself, you've done nothing wrong.
    Take care and hang around here........we'll be here for you.
  8. averyave

    averyave New Member

    Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it.

    And T-Light "Writing has done wonders for me" ... So far this is the first time I ever wrote about it, and it is helping. I think its the first time I ever made a conscious decision to move towards getting past this stuff. And yes, I need to not let any of the wrong people in. I recently did that out of boredom/lonliense/Depression and she had lots of problems that I discovered including legal and drugs. I wound up taking care of her and it was like having a child or something. I was not able to do much for myself... so I def need a breather and some time for "me" as they say I guess
  9. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

    You don't need to give anything back to me. I donate my time here and don't expect anything in return. If one starts 'expecting' someone to give back here, they might set themselves up to get their feelings hurt. A lot of people here are in different places in their healing. Some need more attention than others.

    As far as my son goes. I'm not consistent because he triggers me when he screams profanities in my face. I don't always walk away without having something to say about his behavior toward me (I try not to criticize, but be logical in explaining the situation, but he is so much quicker than me LOL and can twist the whole issue around 3 times before I can remember what I was going to say to him.

    I tried to compare who had it worse, what I did to him or how he treats me now, and for the past 4 years, and I don't have the answer because he was a child. but I didn't get up in his face and scream at him the way he does me.

    Sometimes I get scared and want to run (I've had nightmares he has tried to kill me or has paid someone to kill me) other times I just walk away. I'm a work in progress with him along with many other things. But I do believe he knows that I meant what I said when I was sorry, and knows that I'm just defending myself when he screams at me.

    I just pray some day we can work it out. In the meantime keep coming in here and posting.

    Take care
  10. KarmaIsABitch

    KarmaIsABitch Active Member

    Hi. I'm new here too. And your childhood sounds awfully familiar to me.

    I'm also guilty of writing a long introductory post. But like you, I needed mine to be long. I'm sure you'll find more people here who can relate to you as well.
  11. skyp56

    skyp56 Well-Known Member

    I wanted to let you know that I read your entire post. You do have reason enough for having PTSD, believe me! I was beaten, verbally abused, and sexually abused when I was a child. But, to this day (I'm 51, now), the verbal abuse is still what hurts the most.

    It's good that you found this forum. I get a lot of healing feelings from this forum, even though I may not be able to share the details of my traumas yet.

    So keep reading and posting. And remember that people do read your posts, even if they can't/don't respond at the time.

    Ace Ventura likes this.
  12. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Anthony read and approved your introduction and I believe he gave you reputation for it as he told me it was really well written.
  13. KarmaIsABitch

    KarmaIsABitch Active Member

    That's very nice of him. Thanks for letting me know. I'm sorry, but I don't understand what "he gave you reputation for it" means. Can you please clarify?
  14. Darkhorse

    Darkhorse Active Member

    Welcome averyave

    Hiya and welcome. Hope you find the help and support you need, i am new too and found this site to be very warm and friendly.
  15. carlie37

    carlie37 New Member

    I always find that when your down people will try to kick you even harder so I stay there in that state. This way they dont have to deal with me, how awful is that? This is the power my family has over me. but my problem is jealousy in my family and their inability to control their jealousy.

    If they see you doing good or are happy, they will not feel this goodness for you. They put you down to bring you to where they are feeling because, they cant have this feeling..... its sick! Its like being greedy for attention and I cant walk away or I'll have nothing too. Either I will die living on the streets, or die in my house, for lack of nurture.

    My family's way of love is, I give you money,(there for money has emotions) you are nothing I am better then you. I will do every thing to keep this going, making you believe this. there ****ed up. OP I think your a wonderful human being. how about that. You know why because you are mindful of what happen to you. Most people are not and go on abusing others. I Know because sometimes I have too catch myself because I pick up shit from my home life.
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