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Mom Lied? She Knows the Truth??

Discussion in 'General' started by Grama-Herc, Nov 16, 2007.

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  1. Grama-Herc

    Grama-Herc I'm a VIP

    Well guys, hold on to your hats. This one is a kicker!

    Mom and I were having our usual after dinner conversation last night about me, my sister, stuff in general and the subject of my Dad came up. It always does when we talk like this after diner. My parents were divorced in 1965 so we are always talking about what an a-- hole he was!

    Well out of the blue she asks me if my dad ever "did anything"! My response was I don't know! But what ever trauma I experienced was horrific enough to wipe out my childhood and teenage memory.

    To this statement she responds with a Real Eye Opener. She says that she never gave it much thought before but he always told her to go to bed and he would be in later. He NEVER went to bed when she did--it was always "later"
    "NOW" it seems strange to her but it didn't way back when?? What the hell was she thinking??-or am I just being to sensitive? ? ?

    To this revelation I tell her that I am getting a deep sense of real fear. That all of a sudden I was uncomfortable and uneasy. But I could not say he did or did not do anything to me.

    She then says well he may not have done anything "like that" but did he maybe fondle you or touch you in some way. Now where in the hell did that one come from?

    I have told my therapists that I have always felt that my mom knows what really happened but is keeping it to herself. She made a statement last night that we have all heard before. She says to me and I quote "I would have known if something like that was going on" Then she adds "but your dad was not that kind of person".

    I am, to say the least, extremely unnerved, but this has not caused any memories to return. Now, I'm just a nervous wreck full of panic,anxiety,fear,confusion and need to crawl under the bed till this storm passes! ! !

    What the hell was she thinking! Why, if she knows the truth did she ask me that. The only answer I come to is--she wants to see if the memory has returned and am I angry with her.

    Imput please! I'm at a loss on this except to say that I AM A COMPLETE WRECK AND STILL NO MEMORY!!!!!!!!
     
    Awakening likes this.
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  3. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Herc,

    I really don't know what to say.....I know that you have struggled with not knowing anything for most of your first years, and that has to be so hard. I have blocks of a year or two that I don't remember either, but not sure if it's PTSD related or just is...

    As far as your mom.....I really don't know what to say either. If it's true that she knew, and didn't say anything...Then you have to come to terms with this. I am sorry hon that this is happening. I'm not sure if NOT remembering is better than remembering.....

    Hugs,

    Wen
     
  4. Grama-Herc

    Grama-Herc I'm a VIP

    Wen,

    The one thing you said will stick with me forever! "I'm not sure if NOT remembering is better than remembering" I reallly do need to let this go before it does any damage to the fantastic relationship I have with my mother. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worth loosing our love and trust we have.

    I just may put this one in the file marked NEVER MIND. Guess I just needed to find someone to share this with. I really could not keep this one inside. I knew it would slowly eat me alive.

    Best thing I can do now is to Let it Go Wen, thanx for being there
     
  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Herc, I described myself to my mother as I will let things go like a pit bull of a three year old. I do understand the desire to though. I went to reply to this today but I had to just close it as I already pissed you off once this week. But screw it, we share here and as a member of this community I still care about you like I do all people who come here... So off to piss you off.

    You are not the only one here with lost memories and even lost childhoods. It pisses us off to no end what we cannot recall and why. Through memory I have learned yes, I think some would best be left alone. No one can ever say we need to recall it all. We do have to work through the emotions of things we do not even recall. It is messed up trying to, I know that! I did have a few small memories trickle down. They were triggered by the birth of my first girl. They were confirmed.

    Later things were told to me finally. Did this make shit come back? Nope. Did it help? Nope. I was just as screwed before. I knew I had been raped (still cannot recall it happening, just the lead to) by this person I have no memory of and the flashbacks of freaking out smelling smoke and calling FD and clearing the home were nothing more than flashbacks of nothing I can recall. I know why as he also several times tried to burn the home down and set me on fire. Being told made me recall zero. It does not help. I have been told and it brings no memory to surface nor does it help me mentally and emotionally.

    Sadly I have learned the hard way the older generation (not all) do turn a blind eye and pretend things are not happening. Hopefully this new crop of women will not endure the same things.

    I just want to tell you I have given up on recalling. Given up on dreams holding the key (they show emotion, rest is bull shit). I have accepted some reason I feel a certain way at a certain time. Even being told certain traumas if I do not recall them and I assume my brain must know best.

    My mom knew. My sister knew. Even after PTSD they tried to stay silent. I thought it would help. It does not. We feel the way we do now. That is what we fight through now. The now. Even if you cannot recall the past you can do your best to heal the emotions. Ask me, Bec, or Nam. These are people just off the top of my head here, no telling how many more do this not knowing. We can do this together.

    Turning the blind eye is worse than any stab in the back, but it will not leave, it will fester. Why so many have like my mom is beyond my reasoning. It certainly sucks.
     
    Awakening likes this.
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I also have to add you can finally recall and it be so bad you forget your recalled! I have and if it were not for me writing some things I would still not know happened once it came back as it was too much. I forgot again.
     
  7. Grama-Herc

    Grama-Herc I'm a VIP

    Dear Veiled, Dispite your belief, you have never pissed me off and certainly did not today. I need and respect the input I get from you. As with all, Leos, "LOL" I would sooner eat worms than admit that I might just possibly once in a life time be wrong. You have however, not only proven me incorrect in my poor me pity party, you have also put me in my place and I will always be indebted to you for that. I some times need someone to jerk a knot in my ass! Am I allowed to say that word here???

    Anyway, kudos!! for the imput, the caring and the help. Keep it up. I need it HERC!!!

    P.S. By the way I am in no way upset with or angry or hold any grudge with my mom. I could not survive without her emotional support. She is my rock
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Just wonder how a Pisces fits in there LOL... I think I am supposed to be way more show my belly by signs. Would never make you eat worms. I am so happy she is a rock for you and still is. What can I say but I am jealous? Who knows, her memories may also fleet in and out now? I just know "knowing" is not always what we think it will be. What we grasp for is not in there. I remembered enough to know that the hard way after time.
     
  9. Grama-Herc

    Grama-Herc I'm a VIP

    Last night was a true eye opener for me. My m om had a memory poop into her head during out ritual evening chats. I had foot problems as a baby and was put in special shoes with a brace attached to the shoes so I could not actually move properly. It was the type of system they use now on babies who have club feet. The brace is a straight bar that is attached to the bottom of each shoe so you look almost like a X when lying down.

    She can't remember why the shoe brace was put on me, just that it was. This explains the sense that my feet are not exactly shaped normal. But there I go again with my obsession with the word "normal"

    I do however, have some question about the statment in your post regarding your belly??????? Care to clarify?? LOL HERC
     
  10. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    I'm confused veil, I thought me letting this emotion and pain out would help me get my memorys back. God I want so bad to get my dad out of that coffin. When I think of him thats all I see. whats the sence in dealing with all this pain if I'm not going to get my memories back. I just want some of the happy ones back. I know there had to be happy ones
     
  11. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I think the big thing being missed here is the fact that you CAN'T FORCE your memories to return. They will come back, if and when they can, when you are ready for them. You can't speed up the process. All that you can do is work on what you can, right now.

    Also, we have no control what type of memories we will get back (if we do.) Be careful what you wish for! You do not get to choose only happy memories or only traumatic ones. You get what you get.

    This is a frustrating process. But, it's a process. Some memories may never return. You might get one, you might get many, you might get nothing at all. Your brain has blocked them to protect you. Trying to force that can and will cause damage (EMDR, hypnotherapy, etc.. can all be very dangerous.. I know!)

    For a refresher please reread this: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread1523.html[/DLMURL]

    bec
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
  12. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    LOL, herc, your leo comment... "Pisces show belly", like dogs do, all timid and go with the flow... Dogs show there belly saying see I won't fight. I was being silly.

    holly, bec answered completely.
     
  13. Grama-Herc

    Grama-Herc I'm a VIP

    Veiled, I pride myself on my sense of humor but the belly thing went right over my head. ZING! and over it went. I am actually sorry I missed the joke. Having to explain ajoke to someone is a bummer!!!

    Wishing you and your family and friends a very Happy Turkey Day HERC
     
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