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Mom's Ex In Pre-release Contacted Me

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BlueOcean

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Hi, I'm new and just wanted to share what I'm going through this week and hopefully get support from others..
As the title says, my mom's ex who is scheduled to be released in a few weeks, found me online and emailed me that he wanted to see me. I am a 30 yr old woman.

The guy has been in prison for 15 years. This is the 1st he's tried contacting me.

I emailed my mom about this and she immediate emailed federal bureau of prisons.
I also contacted local police b/c her ex was sentenced in court where I live.

A little history...
My mom married him when I was just 15yrs. old. The guy was scary to live with. He always had a look on his face that he was plotting something and ready to kill someone. He ignored me or yelled at me. That was the 'relationship' we had. A few months after mom married, we all moved to a rural state where her sister lived with a husband who molested my mom's sister's daughters from a previous marriage.

A few months after we moved to the state, one of my cousins gained custody of me. Then a few months later she didn't want me & I bounced from relative to relative. My mom's husband was put in local jail. Don't know why. He was later charged as a felon.

When he was arrested, the relative I was staying with told me to move out and live with my mom. I did b/c I had no where else to go. I was 16 years old. My mom was still visiting her husband in jail. A few weeks after I moved in, she announced that her husband wanted me to visit him at the jail. Reluctantly I went. I felt alone. All had abandoned me. My relatives no longer wanted me. I talked on the phone with the glass b/t myself and him. He began making sexual remarks to me. After he finished and my mom and I left she told me that I needed to be with him sexually! Now, I was confused and felt hopeless. My mom continued to take me to visit him a few times a week while I was in high school. During these times that I visited, everything felt dreamlike and unreal.

After he was transferred out of state, my mom got both herself and I set up with therapists and took out alot of anger onto me. She also divorced him after he was transferred. My relationship with my mom went downhill from there. I still only have contact with mom via email on rare occasions like now due to the situation with her ex.

Has anyone else been in similar situation?

Psyweb published my life story, 'Into The Light: Catherine's Journey Out Of PTSD'
There are 4 parts. Part 1 is published.
I'm unable to post a link to the article.
 
That's a frightening situation to be in. A couple of thoughts:

- Look into the possibility of getting a restraining order as soon as he gets out. Assuming he's getting out on parole, a violation of a restraining order might just put him back in.
- A restraining order is no guarantee at all that he will in fact be "restrained". I don't want to frighten you but you should take steps to protect yourself. Keep your whereabouts secret (don't post where you are on Facebook for example, don't mention what concert other event your going to see). Get two cans of pepper spray and use one to learn how to use it. Keep a phone on you at all times in case you need to call 911. Oh, and if you have your home town posted on Facebook or something, take it off.
- Obviously, lock your doors and windows, check your car before getting in, etc. Get a buddy to walk out to your car.
- Maybe take a self-defense class.

Does he know where you live or could he find out easily. If so, maybe stay with a friend. Maybe even move.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
 
I appreciate your concern & suggestions! He currently is in another state. My mom told me that he is not to have contact with me or be on the internet, so he is in violation. If he does get parole, I will get a restraining order.

Regarding FB, I never list my city. I only list my state and all my posts can only be viewed by friends.

I will keep you updated as to what the court decides to do.

Thank you again WillyKat :)
 
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Regardless, Facebook security CAN be breached. Don't list any personal details on any site. These FB breaches come up periodically. I don't pay much attention to the news, but I do know there was a breach within the last few months that was fairly significant. Don't assume anything on the Internet is secure.

If he's not released on parole, you can't get him for a parole violation. That is, if he served his entire sentence, there is no parole. Do you know if he is being released on parole or not?
 
What have your local police said? I would talk to the police for advice and not just take guidance from your Mom. Even if she has your best interests at heart (and from what you've said that sounds unclear), she might not know everything about the law.

You might also need to think about stopping ways for people without friend status to contact you online, either by email (direct or via a site) or through comments. If it was me I'd change my email address and only give it out privately to friends.
 
I've not been in your situation, but can imagine it to be very uncomfortable and scary.

You don't have a relationship with this person and I see no good reason to invite one (i.e. by responding to his contact with you).

If I were you, I'd remove ALL personal reference to my real identity and whereabouts, set up a new email account (first) and FB account using a factitious entity for each, inform friends/family by phone what my new email and FB name is, in addition to the suggestions other posters have made.

It's not too hard (it just takes time) to track down someone's whereabouts and contact info via the internet. It's especially easy if the person has used their real name, has a history of working with a government or local municipality, has a credit history, and it's particularly easy if the person trying to look you up knows your birthdate and/or social security number.

There's a stronger likelihood of a better outcome, of a better future, if you protect yourself.
 
Do you know if he is being released on parole or not?

Hi Solara, He is scheduled to be released Nov. 8th. I checked his status this morning.
Thank you for your concern & I will change my FB password frequently now as well as other social site passwords :)

What have your local police said? I would talk to the police for advice and not just take guidance from your Mom.

Hi Hashi, I appreciate your concern :) Local police said if I need anything to call them. Regarding my mother, she's always unclear. But, I was glad she sent an email to bureau of prisons. Thanks for the tip too. I will check all my social sites' privacy settings immediately :)

If I were you, I'd remove ALL personal reference to my real identity and whereabouts, set up a new email account (first) and FB account using a factitious entity for each, inform friends/family by phone what my new email and FB name is, in addition to the suggestions other posters have made.

Thank you DMerish for your support :) I'm not wanting to create an entire new FB, but will change all privacy settings and delete location information. I already have a different email account and will delete all profile info off the old one.
 
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Good News. He has never attempted to contact me again. So, I have not gotten a restraining order.

I'm doing very well :)
 
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