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More dissociation?

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NewBeginnings

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Trying to sort out what happened. I was away for the weekend and we had a family trip to the beach. I was walking along the beach and at some point I lost myself. I was done swimming and basically all dried off. I know plenty of time went by and I "came back" to me swimming in the ocean. And I was really swimming and very active. I know I have checked out from time to time but hadn't been aware of it being a chunk of time nor did I think I was ever active. Is this weird? I know it surrounded an emotional conversation but the more I reflect the more it bothers me that I have no recollections of this time.

Since then I have been on a hyper alert. I called my t this week to see if she had a cancellation to fit me in which she does not. I see her next week. This two week gap is really hard for me. I probably won't consider this important next week but now I am really concerned.

I didn't mean to check out. It keeps coming up in sessions with my T asking how often I have These kind of episodes. I didn't think it happened much outside of T but now I recognize it is more often than I was aware. I must frustrate my T when it happens. It doesn't seem like a big deal but I think I need to tell my T about this but don't want to keep having more issues.

Not sure why this is coming up now or if it was just because of the difficult conversation.
Am I overthinking this whole thing?

Does dissociation get worse or is it an awareness thing?
 
Dissociation can and does get worse.
Is it related to everything then getting worse?

Ok days then days that I want to crawl in a hole and die days. So annoying - on one hand, ok feeling ok and everything is going to work out and then my entire world flips upside down. I am trying hard and feel miserable.
 
It could also be the case that you're more aware of what dissociation is, and so you're more likely to notice times that you've checked out.

It's definitely not something that I think you need to be afraid of, because it's incredibly normal. It's a coping strategy that our brain uses, sometimes because we're distressed but other times? Just because your brain is taking the opportunity to take a break (like when you're driving a familiar route and switch to auto pilot and don't remember the trip).

It would be a good idea to talk about it with your T, just to work on strategies to help keep you grounded, and also to work through this episode and see if you can identify (and process) whatever triggered the episode.

For some people, dissociation can get 'worse' in that it happens more frequently, or it starts to happen at problematic times. But for most of us, it's been happening regularly our whole lives, and it isn't until we start having therapy that we begin to realise how much it occurs.
 
It could also be the case that you're more aware of what dissociation is, and so you're more lik...

This sounds likely... wow thank you. I think I had been fooling myself for awhile thinking that I usually only checked out during difficult conversations in therapy. I was scared last weekend, partly because of the duration and my complete surprise to find myself in the ocean. I hadn't thought I would be active- I thought I just froze. And this was a familiar feeling like I do this fairly often and never really considered what was happening before. I am embarrassed because I think I should be able to control it but that doesn't work.
 
Does dissociation get worse or is it an awareness thing?

I think it could definitely be both. Being more aware of it means you'll notice it more even if it happens about the same. And being in therapy working on tough stuff could bring it out some more.
Its definitely a good thing to let your T know, and he/she could teach you some techniques like grounding or yoga that can help you come back from it quicker. I'm sorry its stressful for you, but keep up your hope, it'll get better as you keep going in treatment!
 
Had checkin today about current meds. and was asked dissociative episodes. Apparently- there is concern about the frequency and intensity I experience. Seems strange to me cause I don't think it should be concerning.
 
Happens to me too sometimes, more often now, not sure if it's pathological, so I have an appointment with a T that specializes in DID so she can help me figure this out.

Let us know what your docs say.
 
Happens to me too sometimes, more often now, not sure if it's pathological, so I have an appointment with...

After my appointment this week with my T, I have a new way to try to think about my dissociative episodes and maybe it will help. I can often tell a moment before it will come on but can't seem to break the cycle and be able to stop it.

My T encouraged me to try to recognize the usefulness of the coping mechanism for me as a child and now to view it as a missed opportunity for my adult life. She wants me to change my perception of it. She may be onto something. When it happens, I get so annoyed with myself when I try to stop it and afterwards- my self talk is horrendous and my self worth is nil. I get mad at myself for living in the past, complacency, poor behaviors, etc.

My T thinks when it happens I am trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation that is not dangerous but my body doesn't recognize the difference.

I feel so stupid that I don't react differently and I guess that is the point - to be nicer and more forgiving of myself. On one hand this seems so logical and straightforward yet when my emotions get going I am far from logical.
 
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