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More Odd Trauma Stuff In Therapy

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watundah

MyPTSD Pro
I turn into a different person in therapy. In real life, I am a highly competent and confident adult, but in her office, inner child takes over. It's as though I have a dual identity. It's an internal battle and I watch in amazement every time I go in there that adult disappears and the tortured young one who is shut down takes over. I know I struggle staying present and keeping my eyes focused on one thing is almost impossible. They dart all over. Eye.contact with my therapist is very fleeting. Too intense! Today she held up 2 fingers and challenged me to keep looking at them and I couldn't! I HAD to look away. It was as though even though it wasn't eye contact it was still too much of a connection. WTF? I can't even look at fingers???? She suggested it might be a neurological symptom from the trauma that I cannot keep my eyes focused, but again, it only happens in therapy. So much wierdness in trauma is ready to pop out when you least expect it. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?
 
Eye contact is hard for me anyway...all the time...therapy included. Except every now and then, as my eyes are darting around, I catch a facial expression from one of the Ts that I just want to melt into...and it's like my eyes can settle there for more than a split second and soak it in...and I study their face...and that image will come back to me over and over for days or weeks...but then it fades and I'm back to avoidance.

But yes, all the other stuff you said, too. If I manage to stay an "adult" going in, the sessions tend to be way less productive, and I leave angry and alone and panicky. If I let myself morph into that lower-functioning whatever (I'm not sold on the whole "inner child" thing), I tend to feel a bit more connected, and heard, and understood, even if I seem to be such a crazy wimp in the meantime. I'm still holding back an awful lot in therapy, though...not because I choose to, but just because I don't know how to open up any more. The fear moves in and I shut down.
 
Yes, eye contact is hard in general, but all of connection and presence is hard in therapy and I often feel like an extremely young and withdrawn part of myself. It's often challenging to speak at times. To me, as weird as it is, this is good. If I'm doing therapy badly, I'm making good eye contact, bitching about work, or just talking easily. I'm cut off from my inner world and I do it very well.

If I'm really doing therapy, I'm easily lost sometimes and that makes sense. Finding ways to stay connected or come back is good, so helpful if your therapist is patient and willing to help you make manageable attempts without expected perfect connection. I once had a therapist who seemed insulted by my lack of connection...or that's what I read and retreated further. A decent trauma therapist shouldn't be surprised or threatened by any of this or forcing or recklessly peeling anyone out of a shell.

"Connection" for me is not separate from the trauma work and I'm glad my therapist understands this. I don't somehow act perfectly present, good eye contact, and talking easily while doing this stuff. Connection is all part of the same process for me, and is also simultaneously its own process that we work on.
 
I couldn't get with the inner child concept either until I recognized the withdrawn behavior was familiar of my very young self. I think what you are saying makes sense, Chava. Going in like the adult to discuss daily BS is not as effective as getting to the raw hidden damaged parts.

I hope I dont prattle on too much about therapy here. I think we're starting to get to some deep dirt so Im a bit stirred up lately. Wandering through the onion peelings.
 
I respect the inner child concept, & though I can't speak to that or therapy proper, & would not define myself as competent & confident, I do feel rather 'seemless' (for lack of a better term) in being childlike & old (exhausted/ finished?). I do think vulnerability could include that childlike feeling, or revisiting trauma from that age (though in that case it may feel more like mistrust or regression?). And eye contact I fear sometimes (ok often) because I fear what I will find. :( Though I find it a truer measure than words. Or maybe helps to understand words.

No I can't open up in that way to strangers or people I don't/ wouldn't trust, I even minimize (unintentionally, or despite myself) if I go to the Dr ("No problem here'.). Words escape me or the No-Big-Deal-Sorry-For-Wasting-Your-Time & Why-am-I-even-here? delivery comes out. Or rather nothing comes out, while I'm thinking it.

I guess the best thing or compliment is if you can be yourself.
 
I completely shut down and loose my ability to verbalize when I turn into my 5 yr old self. It is unbelievable to me how quickly I can shrink and how out of control I am that it happens. It makes me rethink that inner child stuff that I haven't bought in to. Ugh... I guess I just wanted to post I feel your pain and that I hope you get everything figured out!!!
 
I really struggle looking people in the eye. With my first T I couldn't even look up from the floor. With my current T I can look at her fairly normally at the beginning and end, but can only give her fleeting glances during a session. For me its a question of vulnerability. Looking into someone's eyes feels too much like showing myself and that's bad. So I fool myself into thinking that if I'm not looking at her she can't see me (hmm, magical thinking?).

I've been struggling even more in my last few sessions. The room's been rearranged so now I have no choice but to sit directly opposite my therapist. Yet another level of threatening.
 
I can totally relate to this. I saw one T for 20 years. I stood in the corner of her office, hid behind pillows, asked her to look away from me, etc. we never truly made a "connection" although she was incredibly important to me and I saw her twice a week. I was too damaged emotionally during that time and we worked solely on stabilization, not even addressing the trauma. My current T has had to deal with all of the above, but I am able to look at her now pretty regularly except when discussing trauma related content. I think for me, as the trust develops and my little self feels safer, the eye contact follows. It definitely is a constant battle, though!
 
Connection, eye contact, and being seen. If I can't see you, you can't see me? My whole reason, although it sounds like a 20,000 foot goal, is connection. To be able to let others penetrate the wall, to let down my defenses and ease their need for a battering ram. Not only did I build this wall of protection from multiple traumas but also from having alcoholic parents who couldn't teach me what true connection means. So having this one person, this therapist, who tries so intently to get through, ignites the wounded child in me to hide and protect. It sounds easy to understand but so difficult to change.
 
Eye contact is hard for me anyway...all the time...therapy included. Except every now and then, as m...

Folks, eye contact is such an important means of communication that many misunderstand the lack of it. Among other "birth defects" for me is a condition called nystagmus. I'm a person whose eyes constantly occillate is certain patterns, never stopping to focus for more than a few seconds. However, a phenomenon of it is that I would be unaware of it if no one had told me. My brain does not register images I'm not trying to focus on when my eyes are moving.

That can mean that what I actually see appears with a slight strobe affect, but my brain connects the dotted line. As a child, I learned early that I was some kind of freak, and with that belief I developed long-term trauma, zero self-esteem for that and other reasons. I suffered daily terror and abuse from bullies who called me "wiggle eye" to force me into fights.

There is worse to the story, but I wanted to suggest that some people have abnormal difficulty appearing to focus, especially on eyes. Though with age and security my condition has lessened, it still effects me strongly when while looking in someone else's eyes, I imagine they are seeing my eyes moving. I reflexivey look away before I can stop myself.

Nystagmus is a medical condition, congenital in my case, but also thought to be a tip-off for excitement of any kind, including the effects of drugs, alcohol, and other substances. Therefore you can add paranoia to your existing stress and PTSD, knowing that despite your sincerity, you appear "shifty". The condition exists in a wide range of severity, and can sometimes be only occasional, but I well know the fear of seeming untrustworthy or "under the influence."

Sorry to ramble too much, but a few people who have serious inability to "meet eyes" with others are that way naturally. You might check into it with your doctors. There may be no cure, but the knowlege that you have nystagmus is a lot happier than thinking you're a hopeless freak.
 
I'm relieved you posted this watundah. I completely regress in sessions. I sometimes can't talk. I curl up between her couch and her bookshelves. I've been under her desk. I go to different ages at different times. Eye contact can be hard too and she says that is typical for people who have PTSD. She often encourages me to take the chance to look at her to see that she is kind and caring - to be able to read it in her face. It is exhausting work though. And sometimes I feel the years of traumas at once almost, like they're all reverberating inside me. Its rough, but I think it is the only way for me to get better. My T is very gentle and supportive and totally able to handle it. And when I leave its sometimes hard to recover but I'm amazed who I can shift into an adult in a second, chatting with people, working, etc.

Oh, one more thing. My T says people who have been traumatized are constantly scanning for danger, that may be why your eyes are all over the place. I scan to, but not the room, her tone of voice, body language, etc., to see if I can trust her.
 
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