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Moved too fast in my sexual healing

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In an effort to reconnect with my partner I suggested we do a hugging exercise with our shirts off (first time removing clothes since acknowledging the csa memory about 10 weeks ago.). He and I both loved holding each other and we felt extremely loving and close.

But then it was as if I opened a valve and he was feeling very loving and open to me. Generally okay... but... in the midst of all these good feelings I am struggling in my mind with intense transference feelings toward my therapist, a deep and uncomfortable longing that I want to either explore or grieve or both. My addictions and compulsions are running on high (I'm trying to hide these from my family like usual.). I found solace in astrology yesterday--it's like an old friend that I haven't turned to in years, feels like it takes me to a more solid foundation, a perspective with history and culture behind it. So I immersed myself yesterday, dissociatively, into combining all my family's birth charts into one and seeing how the planets aspect each other. I was sitting on the floor of my daughter's playroom, surrounded by gel pens and paper and referring to information on my phone... for hours. My husband came in the room and he took delight in my composure, my colorful creativity, he didn't really know what I was doing. He sat down behind me and started to inch forward like he was going to wrap me up in a sitting down spoon-like-hug and I froze. I didn't want it AT ALL. I was in my own little astrology world, I had everyone's birth chart on display and in comparison with each other. I felt powerful and curious. I thought his hug would be a way of wrapping me up, of making me his, of owning me in that moment and I didn't want it. I wanted to be like the healer, separate and gazing out. I told him, "No, I don't want that right now." His face turned red and tight, he backed up, he felt shame and rejection. He got angry. He got angry for the rest of the day. He said he would never do that again. He said I was sending him mixed signals, that I wanted him to initiate intimacy (I did say that I wanted him to ask me for foot rubs and hugs) but that I wasn't accepting it. I think I moved too fast with him. I wanted him to be comfortable with asking for intimacy and with accepting yes or no. I didn't want him to "take me in his arms" whenever he thought I looked beautiful or whenever he felt love and affection for me. He told me he resents "formal" intimacy. He doesn't want to ask because it feels stiff and formal, he wants it to be natural. But for me, "natural" means someone else has an overpowering sex drive and I need to go along with it to avoid the person getting angry or to help them feel satisfied because they deserve it and it will make my day go smoother when they are happy. I should probably tell my partner all these things, Even Though I know it will likely make him very mad at first because even though I think and feel those things he tells me, "but I'm not like that, that's not who I am, you see me as a predator, we will never work out together, I need to have sex be natural if we are going to stay married." Hopefully after he says all that then he will realize that I am healing from sexual abuse and that I need to be able to say no at any time and to take the lead. So, all this is to say, that because I felt like I needed to "give my husband more", because I felt obligated, I moved too fast. Also, because I said no, he got mad. I have to be able to say no to any kind of intimacy and trust that he won't take it personally. When he takes it personally it sets us back. I need to tell him that too. And he needs to look to me as the leader for intimacy, at least for a while. I try to keep reminding him that this is temporary and the goal is to have sex with him again, so if he could remember that it would be great and he doesn't have to keep saying that marriage without sex is not a marriage at all or that we aren't meant to be together. I have to remember that those are his fears and that he really does love me and he is good enough.

One thing I realized is that the deep longing that he has for me which I seem to be thwarting him for, his desire to be close to my body and never feeling close enough or feeling like rejection lies at every attempt to connect, completely mirrors my own feelings for my T. I could never ever be close enough to her and any attempt on my part to fulfill my desire would leave me feeling rejected. The similarity in the two is that I want to learn how to be intimate with friends as well as with my partner. I have zero real life friends because I have dropped them all or I avoid intimacy with people at all costs. So, with my partner I want to learn intimacy so i don't dissociate during sex (and because it feels good to be intimate!). But with my T I want to learn intimacy so I can have friends, real friends, and not feel like I want to have sex with them. So there is a connection between all this, and that is the intimacy connection.

Whew! I wrote a lot! But I'm glad i did because it helps me see the connections and helps me focus on what my goals are.
 
I know that I give mixed signals. I initiate stuff and then sometimes end up in a flashback and either freeze or fake an orgasm. Then, I may not initiate or will avoid stuff for awhile. I feel like at some point my husband will need therapy, as well, to deal with his frustrations of me.
 
I should probably tell my partner all these things,
Yes.

And you might not be giving him enough credit. Once he understands the whole picture, he might actually understand. And, this whole "formality" thing is where you're at right now. That doesn't mean that's the way things will be forever. Once you get to where you believe you can say "No", you may not feel like you always have to be the one to initiate things.
 
"Formal" intimacy is where I'm at right now. I assure you, it's hella sexy! My guy asks me about EVERYTHING! And yes, he does it in a way that gives me complete power to say yes or no, while not taking away from the passion or mood.

"Natural" sex-----not where I'm at. And it's not where you're at.

"Natural" to me means lots of assumptions based on past permissions. Oh, hail no. I don't think I'll ever be at that point. And it's fine by me and fine by my partner.
 
My partner is getting there and I believe he can do it. A big part of this might be me rushing/pushing the process. I do feel pressure from him but then he backs down, so I am seeing the rubber band effect, swinging back and forth between polarities of thought about sexuality, as we go through this transition/constriction. Asking, "How long does this take?" only destroys intimacy and detracts/derails from the process. Expansion/contraction. Just like breathing. Is that how intimacy is? Not a game, a dance?
 
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