sleepingwolf
Learning
Ok, so its becoming clear to me that my relationship is and can become codependent. I'm looking at ways to try and change it and better help myself, but I have to be honest...I know nothing about relationships and how a good, healthy one functions!
Something happened a few hours ago that is a good example. I thought it would be good to ask advice on how to handle it in a functional, healthy way, and what that looks like.
As a backstory, I have CPTSD and a 'fragmented self' Personality Disorder, but am doing well with recovery and am balanced (when alone) most of the time. My partner has anxiety and is currently in therapy for trauma in her adult life, anger issues, and a narcissistic mother.
Ok, so last night we were functioning well; talking, respecting each others space, being nice, allowing each other to do our own thing...it was good. She had just had a therapy session and said she was 'emotional but positive'. We had a good nights sleep.
This morning before work she was quite cold, not making conversation, not asking about how I was (I had felt not too good the day before), and obviously looked troubled or sad. She said she was 'good' and 'fine', but I could clearly see she wasn't.
Now I know this really isn't much at all. But I can see that this is the start of something, or how the disfunction and codependence starts. Im not sure how, or why, but I know we both play this out wrong, which leads to worse situations.
From my part, it reminds me of my Mother; being frosty, cold, ignoring me, which could go on for days and days...so this behaviour must be a trigger of sorts. It is also quite difficult to be around people who are sending out mixed feelings/hiding their feelings, as it leads my mind to over-compensate and add hallucinatory parts to their appearance (like darker eyes, whiter skin, change of hair colour, more 'gargoyle' look). I think this is so as a small child I noticed, and could realise I needed to back away or take some action. To be honest, I'm not that much further on from that! I'm not sure what the best course of action is.
My usual reaction would be to send an overly long and nice text message, saying she could talk about it all, I was here for her, so on, and then to try and think of ideas for a nice evening tonight, when she came home. But right now I don't feel like that, and am just going to send a short 'hope all is well message'.
Any advice on how this plays out in a healthy relationship? Also, why is she not being more healthy? That confuses me...
Something happened a few hours ago that is a good example. I thought it would be good to ask advice on how to handle it in a functional, healthy way, and what that looks like.
As a backstory, I have CPTSD and a 'fragmented self' Personality Disorder, but am doing well with recovery and am balanced (when alone) most of the time. My partner has anxiety and is currently in therapy for trauma in her adult life, anger issues, and a narcissistic mother.
Ok, so last night we were functioning well; talking, respecting each others space, being nice, allowing each other to do our own thing...it was good. She had just had a therapy session and said she was 'emotional but positive'. We had a good nights sleep.
This morning before work she was quite cold, not making conversation, not asking about how I was (I had felt not too good the day before), and obviously looked troubled or sad. She said she was 'good' and 'fine', but I could clearly see she wasn't.
Now I know this really isn't much at all. But I can see that this is the start of something, or how the disfunction and codependence starts. Im not sure how, or why, but I know we both play this out wrong, which leads to worse situations.
From my part, it reminds me of my Mother; being frosty, cold, ignoring me, which could go on for days and days...so this behaviour must be a trigger of sorts. It is also quite difficult to be around people who are sending out mixed feelings/hiding their feelings, as it leads my mind to over-compensate and add hallucinatory parts to their appearance (like darker eyes, whiter skin, change of hair colour, more 'gargoyle' look). I think this is so as a small child I noticed, and could realise I needed to back away or take some action. To be honest, I'm not that much further on from that! I'm not sure what the best course of action is.
My usual reaction would be to send an overly long and nice text message, saying she could talk about it all, I was here for her, so on, and then to try and think of ideas for a nice evening tonight, when she came home. But right now I don't feel like that, and am just going to send a short 'hope all is well message'.
Any advice on how this plays out in a healthy relationship? Also, why is she not being more healthy? That confuses me...