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Moving away from codependence

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sleepingwolf

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Ok, so its becoming clear to me that my relationship is and can become codependent. I'm looking at ways to try and change it and better help myself, but I have to be honest...I know nothing about relationships and how a good, healthy one functions!

Something happened a few hours ago that is a good example. I thought it would be good to ask advice on how to handle it in a functional, healthy way, and what that looks like.

As a backstory, I have CPTSD and a 'fragmented self' Personality Disorder, but am doing well with recovery and am balanced (when alone) most of the time. My partner has anxiety and is currently in therapy for trauma in her adult life, anger issues, and a narcissistic mother.

Ok, so last night we were functioning well; talking, respecting each others space, being nice, allowing each other to do our own thing...it was good. She had just had a therapy session and said she was 'emotional but positive'. We had a good nights sleep.
This morning before work she was quite cold, not making conversation, not asking about how I was (I had felt not too good the day before), and obviously looked troubled or sad. She said she was 'good' and 'fine', but I could clearly see she wasn't.

Now I know this really isn't much at all. But I can see that this is the start of something, or how the disfunction and codependence starts. Im not sure how, or why, but I know we both play this out wrong, which leads to worse situations.

From my part, it reminds me of my Mother; being frosty, cold, ignoring me, which could go on for days and days...so this behaviour must be a trigger of sorts. It is also quite difficult to be around people who are sending out mixed feelings/hiding their feelings, as it leads my mind to over-compensate and add hallucinatory parts to their appearance (like darker eyes, whiter skin, change of hair colour, more 'gargoyle' look). I think this is so as a small child I noticed, and could realise I needed to back away or take some action. To be honest, I'm not that much further on from that! I'm not sure what the best course of action is.

My usual reaction would be to send an overly long and nice text message, saying she could talk about it all, I was here for her, so on, and then to try and think of ideas for a nice evening tonight, when she came home. But right now I don't feel like that, and am just going to send a short 'hope all is well message'.

Any advice on how this plays out in a healthy relationship? Also, why is she not being more healthy? That confuses me...
 
Please clarify

“Why is she not being more healthy?”

...

Why aren’t you being more healthy?

Why aren’t any of us being more healthy?

I really don’t understand this question.
 
Oh, well I guess I mean 'healthy' as a balanced relationship, a functioning non-codependent one.

I guess I can't really see or understand the issues she has, as I can feel its all my doing. But I recognise I don't really know how to balance a relationship. From our discussions I thought she was more balanced and experienced with relationships, so I don't really understand that as yet.

Really Im looking for advice on how to handle the situation I described... but I feel a little strange and confused now so I don't really get it either. :(
 
Ok, so its becoming clear to me that my relationship is and can become codependent. I'm looking at...
Personally I don't see anything wrong with it. If she wants to talk about it you gave her the option. If she doesn't ok. You have her the option if doing something nice with you. However you do need to work on your reaction to it.
 
Any advice on how this plays out in a healthy relationship?

IME... People are allowed to have a bad morning. Especially when there’s an obvious cause (therapy yesterday, out of coffee, worked late the night before, whatever), but even when there’s no obvious cause. It doesn’t become a major event, or really, any kind of event at all. Other people make allowances and go about their day. No worries. Person A may fill Person B in later, or not. Minor deviations from normal patterns of behavior? Just aren’t very exceptional. There’s no HARBINGER OF DOOM! attached that must immediately stop the world and be attended to. It’s just PersonA having a rough morning. That’s all.
 
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Personally I don't see anything wrong with it. If she wants to talk about it you gave her the option. If...
Lord this is what I get for in the middle of the night responses. The most you can do is say " well if you'd like to talk or go out to dinner I'm available" and that's it. The rest is up to her. You have no responsibility in what she does with that.
 
Thanks for your comments. They sound like good advice. I can see that it may be obvious, or that it seems like a normal thing to do and understand, but I just struggle to grasp what the best option is. I guess the experience of asking is a bit humiliating, as it makes me feel very unknowledgeable about relationships, and I'm quite embarrassed by that I guess. I can struggle to get advice as people can often have a 'duh...' or frustrated response, but to me its like learning University standard maths with no help or training! I've been in denial about this for a long time I think. I have asberges too, and spent a huge amount of my childhood in essentially solitary confinement (alone in my room).

I guess I need to learn the 'ABC' of relationships, starting with absolute basics. Is there such a book?

I'll take your advice for today, thanks. Im yearning to say 'ok, what then...?' :happy: :D
 
While I agree it is important to cut your partner some slack, I too have a really hard time with sudden mood changes, cold shoulder or silent treatment. I experienced isolation/neglect as a child too. My exH took this to abusive levels and honestly, as in my childhood, for me it is worse than a punch.

When I had a healthy relationship, I told me partner why this bugged me and he did a wonderful thing from that point out...if he felt that way or I got the "cold shoulder" he would tell me then and there it wasn't me, he just needed some "thought/alone" time. One sentence cleared the air, my anxiety, discomfort disappeared and I would go do my thing. Later he had no obligation to share the details with me and I was ok with that too.

This worked for me and it was not a big deal for him. If he said that I felt fine. It was a simple thing and it was so helpful to me.

Have you considered asking for something along these lines?

Best, Whirlwind
 
We all have shitty minutes hours and days. I’d ignore her mood and try not to take it personal.
 
We all struggle with relationship issues in some way so do not feel embarrassed about asking. It is fine to do so.

It sounds like her not behaving to you in a positive manner brings up feelings to do with your mother. Are you aware of that in the moment? If you respond with anxiety maybe you can rather reassure yourself about your mother and put that in context. I actually do agree that the slightly desperate long text trying to reengage isn't ideal and agree it could be part of the picture of being codependent. Although others behaviours obviously can influence us you are allowed to have your own feelings and can leave hers and her behaviour to her and take care of yourself.

It might be worthwhile checking in if you are feeling as if you are in an equal side by side mode in that moment or if the power dynamic shifts internally for you because of your past. Holding onto your anxiety in those moments and just sitting experiencing them (without trying to fix them with desperate communication) may be a helpful thing to do.
 
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