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Moving Away, Turning The Page And Starting Over Somewhere New .

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zack sparrow

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good day every body ..

im zack 34 years old Male .. single and never got married.

depression and anxiety patient since i were 11 years old.

recently i have reached rock bottom and since psychiatric treatment where i exist is so business oriented i gave up on it and i thought of sharing what im passing through with whom ever it may concern ...

i have a lot to say and im all just messed up but ill try to clear things out ...

i have never changed where im living before .. apartments yes but never city or country ...
where im living right is place where im probably suffering from extreme PTSD .. i have faced here all kind of traumas .. all kind of depressions .. all kind of anxiety .. all kind of disappointments ..

in the mean the while i can literally look at rock bottom as if im gazing upon the moon ...
in the past years im nothing but a survivor and im not a weak person by the way .. ive just seen a lot and been through very fierce battles ...few years back ive lost feeling of any thing .. nothing represent any meaning to me .. totally feeling unsafe and un secured no matter where i go .. i would wake up from sleep with a feeling that i want to run to the streets .. its like im not safe any more with my self ..

like im naked .. and i want to hide ..

literally ive tried every thing here to get over this .. the past never seems to get away of me ..
the least thing i face unleashes the gates of hell inside me .. and what i might spend years to get over wakes up in matter of seconds .. ive tried to commit suicide few days ago as i have really reached the end of every thing ..

im a constant failure to every one around me ...

im intensely lonely ...

recently i cant handle being in crowds or going out ..i cant handle any thing loud ...i even cant watch tv or a movie or something .. i tend to panic when i see the lives of people moving around me and i have in my place since very long years ..

ive literally tried every thing ..psychiatric counseling, exercising, medication .. nothing every seems to work but for a very limited time ..

and again i want to stress that im not a weak person and i dont give up easily ...i was 160KG at somepoint of my life and i was able to make it to 76 KG totally on my own ...

i know im not weak ... its just that im really tired .. i cant handle any thing any more and i dont feel any thing .. even the very simple things that used to make me happy no longer have any effect on me ..

im a living dead by all meaning of the word .. and i just wish if i can push end ..

usually when i start to develop suicidal thoughts i would try to tie my life to any objective even if very silly like buying something or what ever just to give my self a reason to live ..
recently i have seriously started to consider moving away somewhere new where no body knows me and i know no body somewhere where i can cut all the threads with the past and just try to have a brand new life ... i forgot to mention is that my surroundings has been always intensely negative whether in persons or in way of living .. almost in every thing ...
i have started to fantasize about this step of moving away its like im dreaming of it every night .. its like the shore for me when im at the middle of the ocean ... i started to reject any other plans ..

and i tend to panic if any body tried to pull me over from doing this ..

im afraid im running behind a mirage .. but i just cant handle accepting any other realities .. i fed up of every thing here the noise the crowd dealing with people .. every thing seems to just grab me more down ...

and i just cant take it any more ..

please share your thoughts with me .. im really lost here ..

thank you all for your time and apologies and i wrote a lot ...
 
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I feel for you. That sounds so horrible. Wish I knew what to say....

Understand the wanting to get away. I did that when I was a teenager. Over 1,500 miles did make me feeler safer, but still many unresolved issues I thought I left behind. But I never went for help until recently.

One option if you can afford it, work online, teach a foreign language, or something for income, go try out temporarily living in another place. That would give you some experience with less stress. Find out what countries will give you a short-term tourist visa. I've tried out living in a couple countries.That way you can test it out.

Also, maybe you would qualify for refugee status?
 
I feel for you. That sounds so horrible. Wish I knew what to say....

Understand the wanting to get away...


thank you so much for taking off your time to read my story and your care to share me an advice ..
in the time being im trying to contact all the references im having abroad and seeing who can give me a helping hand ..
the point is due to how stressful i have became .. im really no longer able to know what do i need ..
im just so tired .. and down ... im in a dark place that i have never been to before .. im depressed since i was 11 or 12 years old but what im passing through these days is something in my worst nightmares i never imagined it ..
literally i dont want to move from bed .. even the effort to open my eyes is something i want to avoid ...
i understand that even moving away will require a lot of hardwork from my side .. and im not against hard working im just in need of something that can grab me back to living again so i can resume fighting for my life ..
the feeling that your dead while your still alive is the worst feeling any person can ever encounter .. because even the dead has the right to rest in peace .. but when you dead while being alive you dont have that right .. so its an endless torture ...
in the past years it has been confirmed that nothing is making any difference .. the one door i havent knocked on is going so far away and try to invest this power that get drained in useless situations into something that can really make a change in my life ..
im not against settling down .. getting married having a job and a family .. im just afraid to ruin some innocent lives while being like this .. im not giving up i want to make a change .. i want to get out from this dark place im in .. i just dont know what to do ...
 
Okay, so I will bite. Have you looked at what is practically viable at this point for you?
If you leave:
1. How long will you be able to survive without an income?
2. Will you be leaving any support behind (emotional)
3. Do you currently have a therapist? If so, what do they think? If not, why not?

I would start there.

I have moved - 3 times in the past year. Long, long distances. It was easy in some ways and very difficult in others.
 
Okay, so I will bite. Have you looked at what is practically viable at this point for you?
If you le...


thanks for your reply .. ill get to your points one by one ..

1- probably ill have to work immediately as i dont have much savings or any thing to rely on .. even where im living right now i dont ahve a job ..
2- this is kind of tricky because i almost dont have a family .. but the few people whom i might call emotional support are the same one that gives me hard times at others .. and tell me im worthless and a failure .. and im making excuses to run away from responsibilty or just faking the need to travel so to just find something to justify your failures ..
3- i quit therapy 1.5 years back because i wasnt able to handle the expenses ..

but in the recent times i tried to get back to prozac as the darkness im in is really scary and im having suicidal thoughts all day and night long ..last week i tried actually and had like 15 tablets of a medication .. but it didnt work ..
im somehow feeling hopeless .. i feel like i just dont want to go any further .. their aint any use .. its like im determined to be like this and no matter what i run after ill be fine for a few days or weeks and then ill definitely be back to what im destined to be .. sad broken depressed useless dead .. i feel im like better off dead .. to me and to every one around me ..
what i was trying to reach by moving away .. is perhaps id get the spark of life back .. the desire to live and keep going .. nothing else .. i know every where their will going to be some very hard work .. i just cant keep going when im already refusing to go any further in life ..
 
Hi zack sparrow,
Your situation sounds so hard! As for leaving the situation - sometimes that really can help, and other times not (in my own experience).
I really related to parts of your post - the feeling of being naked, or feeling that everyone sees you as a failure, and also "the feeling that your dead while you're still alive." Especially that last one, that feeling used to make my blood run cold, like I'd been buried alive and everyone had forgotten me almost like I'd never been alive.
I too had a strong desire to run away and I did try for a while, but these feelings stayed with me. I learned some time later about PTSD - of which these feelings that you mention are classic symptoms!
It's good to get away from reminders of all the traumas if you can, but even if you can't, the real healing is all on the inside with PTSD.
It is hard to imagine, I know, a time when these urgent and horrible feelings won't be ever-present, but that time does come. The things that helped me were - finding the right therapy and the right therapist (bit of trial and error), meditating every day, nature, swimming, walking, reading reading reading all that I could about PTSD. Most important of all, there is a need to be kind to yourself and patient - especially when others have not been either.
34 is really still young! Please don't give up on yourself now! Everything you've been through will one day bring a gift. It does take time and work, but it's so worth it. Glad you found this site! Keep posting, and hang in there!!!
Sending strength and peace.
 
Oh, I forgot - one form of work where you don't have to interact with others too much is transcribing - typing up recordings. There is work everywhere for that. You have to be a good typist, but anyone can get speed up if they keep practising. I mean, you probably don't want to do it for the rest of your life, but it's an income!
I did that for a few years. It was peaceful and gave me time to retreat from the world and recover.
 
Oh, I forgot - one form of work where you don't have to interact with others too much is transcribing - t...
thank you so much for your care to share your thoughts with me ...

yeah i can link so hardly to this feeling of being dead while alive .. thats what im feeling now .. i have zero desire to live inside of me ..

and i bet their aint any harder feeling than to be dead but still having the responsibilities of being alive .. for the dead at least they get burried and rested under the remains .. but when youre just dead inside you have to deal with living each day and every second .. and by far this is the worst feeling i have ever encountered .. when your in such state even blinking seems like an effort you cant handle ..

problem with therapists here is that they require a lot of financial capability and after all you can barely find someone whose good enough to care for treating you and not just bulging cash out of you .. just tonight i thought of getting back to prozac since i doubt i would be able to move any further while being in this dark place .. i need my self fit and able to think to be able to at least handle the process of moving abroad .. the last dr ive been to like 2 years ago prescribed to me cepram 20 + wellbutrin + lamotrigne .. and i was somehow doing fine by this combination im thinking of getting back to them .. im in need of any helping hand to get me out of this darkness .. im in need of any shade of light ... its really scary where am i right now .. i also feel pitty that after all these years in life im still this weak .. i always think what if i had wife and kids .. why they would be forced to live with such a mess like my self .. how they would end if the one who is responsible for them collapsed like this at the middle of their lives and caused them a lot of problems and hassles .. how my wife would look at me when im a wreck like this .. and how my kids would trust me any further when im this weak and pathetic ..

sometimes i feel that im really better off dead .. like my chances in living are really off the grid .. what ive learned from my past life is that no matter what i do i always end up in this dark place .. no matter .. but so far the dark one im in right now is the darkest of them all .. thats mainly why im thinking to get to any of the medications for im really desperate for any kind of help by any how and from any where ... im really tired of the darkness ... im really tired of being counted among the living when im not ..

thanks to all of you for giving me the chance to talk and express my self .. this will always remain a debt in my neck .. will always ..
 
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Another thing to consider is house sitting or house care taker. Some people with 2nd homes, or vacation rental property, don't want to leave there property unattended when they are gone for weeks, or months. Others have pets they need taken care of while away. At very least it's a free place to live - sometimes more.

There are some sites out there I looked at several years back with those types of gigs. Or expat forums that cater to a specific country you might be interested in.
 
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Oh, I forgot - one form of work where you don't have to interact with others too much is transcribing - typing up recordings.
Be careful with this. Maybe years ago you could make a viable income, but I dabbled in it recently, and the wages are really bad. I don't know--maybe I'm working for the wrong companies.
 
I did move 625 miles away from where my adult trauma occurred. (Childhood place of trauma I left as soon as I was 18 and could get away from there).

Anyway, it took me about 2-3 years to build a new life where I moved to. Life is good for me here now, and I feel safer than I did back there. I am glad I moved. It really helped me a lot.

If you can swing it financially, I highly recommend moving to a new locale. It costs a lot to move your stuff and all, but it is worth it in the end.

I wish you the best, and my the Lord be with you!
 
If you can swing it financially, I highly recommend moving to a new locale. It costs a lot to move your stuff and all, but it is worth it in the end.
This question comes up a lot here, and I've been waiting to hear a response like this one. Others on the forum have warned of symptoms getting worse after a move--how do you square that with your experience?
 
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