zack sparrow
New Here
good day every body ..
im zack 34 years old Male .. single and never got married.
depression and anxiety patient since i were 11 years old.
recently i have reached rock bottom and since psychiatric treatment where i exist is so business oriented i gave up on it and i thought of sharing what im passing through with whom ever it may concern ...
i have a lot to say and im all just messed up but ill try to clear things out ...
i have never changed where im living before .. apartments yes but never city or country ...
where im living right is place where im probably suffering from extreme PTSD .. i have faced here all kind of traumas .. all kind of depressions .. all kind of anxiety .. all kind of disappointments ..
in the mean the while i can literally look at rock bottom as if im gazing upon the moon ...
in the past years im nothing but a survivor and im not a weak person by the way .. ive just seen a lot and been through very fierce battles ...few years back ive lost feeling of any thing .. nothing represent any meaning to me .. totally feeling unsafe and un secured no matter where i go .. i would wake up from sleep with a feeling that i want to run to the streets .. its like im not safe any more with my self ..
like im naked .. and i want to hide ..
literally ive tried every thing here to get over this .. the past never seems to get away of me ..
the least thing i face unleashes the gates of hell inside me .. and what i might spend years to get over wakes up in matter of seconds .. ive tried to commit suicide few days ago as i have really reached the end of every thing ..
im a constant failure to every one around me ...
im intensely lonely ...
recently i cant handle being in crowds or going out ..i cant handle any thing loud ...i even cant watch tv or a movie or something .. i tend to panic when i see the lives of people moving around me and i have in my place since very long years ..
ive literally tried every thing ..psychiatric counseling, exercising, medication .. nothing every seems to work but for a very limited time ..
and again i want to stress that im not a weak person and i dont give up easily ...i was 160KG at somepoint of my life and i was able to make it to 76 KG totally on my own ...
i know im not weak ... its just that im really tired .. i cant handle any thing any more and i dont feel any thing .. even the very simple things that used to make me happy no longer have any effect on me ..
im a living dead by all meaning of the word .. and i just wish if i can push end ..
usually when i start to develop suicidal thoughts i would try to tie my life to any objective even if very silly like buying something or what ever just to give my self a reason to live ..
recently i have seriously started to consider moving away somewhere new where no body knows me and i know no body somewhere where i can cut all the threads with the past and just try to have a brand new life ... i forgot to mention is that my surroundings has been always intensely negative whether in persons or in way of living .. almost in every thing ...
i have started to fantasize about this step of moving away its like im dreaming of it every night .. its like the shore for me when im at the middle of the ocean ... i started to reject any other plans ..
and i tend to panic if any body tried to pull me over from doing this ..
im afraid im running behind a mirage .. but i just cant handle accepting any other realities .. i fed up of every thing here the noise the crowd dealing with people .. every thing seems to just grab me more down ...
and i just cant take it any more ..
please share your thoughts with me .. im really lost here ..
thank you all for your time and apologies and i wrote a lot ...
im zack 34 years old Male .. single and never got married.
depression and anxiety patient since i were 11 years old.
recently i have reached rock bottom and since psychiatric treatment where i exist is so business oriented i gave up on it and i thought of sharing what im passing through with whom ever it may concern ...
i have a lot to say and im all just messed up but ill try to clear things out ...
i have never changed where im living before .. apartments yes but never city or country ...
where im living right is place where im probably suffering from extreme PTSD .. i have faced here all kind of traumas .. all kind of depressions .. all kind of anxiety .. all kind of disappointments ..
in the mean the while i can literally look at rock bottom as if im gazing upon the moon ...
in the past years im nothing but a survivor and im not a weak person by the way .. ive just seen a lot and been through very fierce battles ...few years back ive lost feeling of any thing .. nothing represent any meaning to me .. totally feeling unsafe and un secured no matter where i go .. i would wake up from sleep with a feeling that i want to run to the streets .. its like im not safe any more with my self ..
like im naked .. and i want to hide ..
literally ive tried every thing here to get over this .. the past never seems to get away of me ..
the least thing i face unleashes the gates of hell inside me .. and what i might spend years to get over wakes up in matter of seconds .. ive tried to commit suicide few days ago as i have really reached the end of every thing ..
im a constant failure to every one around me ...
im intensely lonely ...
recently i cant handle being in crowds or going out ..i cant handle any thing loud ...i even cant watch tv or a movie or something .. i tend to panic when i see the lives of people moving around me and i have in my place since very long years ..
ive literally tried every thing ..psychiatric counseling, exercising, medication .. nothing every seems to work but for a very limited time ..
and again i want to stress that im not a weak person and i dont give up easily ...i was 160KG at somepoint of my life and i was able to make it to 76 KG totally on my own ...
i know im not weak ... its just that im really tired .. i cant handle any thing any more and i dont feel any thing .. even the very simple things that used to make me happy no longer have any effect on me ..
im a living dead by all meaning of the word .. and i just wish if i can push end ..
usually when i start to develop suicidal thoughts i would try to tie my life to any objective even if very silly like buying something or what ever just to give my self a reason to live ..
recently i have seriously started to consider moving away somewhere new where no body knows me and i know no body somewhere where i can cut all the threads with the past and just try to have a brand new life ... i forgot to mention is that my surroundings has been always intensely negative whether in persons or in way of living .. almost in every thing ...
i have started to fantasize about this step of moving away its like im dreaming of it every night .. its like the shore for me when im at the middle of the ocean ... i started to reject any other plans ..
and i tend to panic if any body tried to pull me over from doing this ..
im afraid im running behind a mirage .. but i just cant handle accepting any other realities .. i fed up of every thing here the noise the crowd dealing with people .. every thing seems to just grab me more down ...
and i just cant take it any more ..
please share your thoughts with me .. im really lost here ..
thank you all for your time and apologies and i wrote a lot ...
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