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Multiple sexual assaults and related trauma.

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Do more instances of trauma always make PTSD more complicated or is there a point that it's all just the same old, eventually?

I was abused as a toddler between ages of 2-6. I have been raped 4 times since I was 16 each in very different circumstances. I was also kidnapped briefly, at knife point and made to perform oral sex. I know it's a lot of trauma but it feels like after the first few memories came back the blows have gotten a lot less hard.

I wasn't consciously aware of anything happening at the time as I have a dissociative disorder.

It makes me feel like I can't relate to people who consciously experienced their assaults at the time because I haven't faced that terror, or been consciously aware of it at least.

I wonder if other people who have experienced multiple sexual assaults / blackouts feel the same way?

I feel like I am in a good place. But I wonder why I'm not struggling more. Or if I'm just early on in the healing process and am still naive.

It sounds silly to be worried about being happy. I'm not worried about that, it's great. I'm just a bit frightened that it's all going to come crashing down around me and I'm not going to be able to cope with it.

I have been in recovery for just under a year and am moving onto the building good habits stage of treatment if that helps.

Any advise or people experiencing similar would be so much appreciated!!
 
Welcome to the forum, Hhe! I'm sorry it's taken a while for feedback - sometimes threads get buried in the pile...

I have to say that I have never had the experience of dissociating during a traumatic event. Maybe that goes along with the *freeze* response as a way to make the trauma more bearable. Do you dissociate when you have flashbacks, as well?
 
Welcome to the forum, Hhe! I'm sorry it's taken a while for feedback - sometimes threads get buried...
Thank you!! Don't be sorry. I'm okay with it. I'm new to this so I'm trying not to hold any expectations.
I do really appreciate your response!

It's a bit tricky to tell when I'm dissociating. Most of the time I'm not completely unconscious, everything is very fuzzy, my whole life, outside of myself. My childhood trauma was when I was very young and then abruptly stopped all of a sudden (my abuser committed suicide) a week before my 6th birthday. No one ever knew then so it was just buried even from me. I think that part of me separated from myself completely and then came back to face all the other traumatic stuff, it still feels very separated. When I have flash backs it kind of feels like I'm looking through someone else's eyes.. but I'm still there.

I think it is part of the freeze mechanism, like you said, because I have conscious memories of being paralysed in two instances before losing consciousness. My brain just explained it away as sleep paralysis at the time because I was woken from my sleep and have experienced sleep paralysis all my life. I was alone and overseas in both cases and don't think I would have been able to cope if I had have understood what had happened then. It has definitely made everything so much more barable..
I feel really lucky my mind somehow protected me the way it did from the terror. I'm sorry you had to experience your trauma happening.
Are you far along in your recovery?
Thanks again for responding.
Hope you had a nice day.
 
I'm so sorry that you suffered such trauma. I'm glad you found us, though. This is a safe place to heal, filled with compassionate and supportive members. (((hug)))

That does sound like dissociation to me. There are a few different types. I suffer from derealization. It's like everything outside of is fuzzy, not quite there. It feels like I'm real and the rest of the world isn't.

I was diagnosed two years ago after a complete meltdown. I've been doing emdr for a lot of that, and healing well. Still have a ways to go - like you, sustained childhood trauma - but the changes in me already are remarkable!
 
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