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Sufferer Multiple Trauma

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otad12

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Hi. My name is Candy, & I have an array of repeated traumas because of my disability. First off, I would like to say that I was in foster care & abused in foster care, & the foster mom put us in a cult. I have never been medically diagnosed with PTSD, but now I suffer it, & I KNOW I do. I'm 30 years old now, & I have no family support. Only me. Growing up, I had to dissociate & use imaginary friends to cope with my childhood traumas. People repeatedly traumatize & bully me because they think I'm retarded & crazy. As an adult, I've been raped several times & no one believes me.

I suffer OCD, anxiety, depression, Tourette's, hyperacusis (hypersensitive ears), & this new disorder, called Maladaptive Daydreaming. I'm not an attention seeker, & I need all the help I can get. The mental health system has failed me, so I have no interest in seeing a psychiatrist or take those abusive, poison pills anymore. Pills don't solve my problems or mask the pain. The pain is still there. I feel like I have nobody. Everyone ignores me.

I was raped in 2011, twice & 2012, twice, & ALMOST raped last year. After 1 of the rapes in 2011, my already existent OCD became MUCH worse, & now, I have to clean everything I touch with 91% isopropyl rubbing alcohol. I feel dirty, & hand sanitizer is too sticky for me. I'm not welcome anywhere because of my OCD, & people stereotype me as the weirdest person they ever met, or they call me crazy & a nuisance. The only thing those fake therapists suggest is pills, & they don't want to HELP me. It's like I'm left hanging, to spiritually & emotionally die alone.

I'm in SO much pain, & I'm sick & tired of being forced to hold everything in. & when I try to talk to a so-called friend about my traumas, I get told that I'm too negative, energy-draining & complain too much & that I need to learn how to just let it go. Everyone else can have closure from their traumas because they have supportive people to talk to. Those evil crisis hotlines treat me like a pest & hang up in my face, & I'm not welcome to call there, either.

So, with my OCD & PTSD, everyone calls me crazy. The other night, a lady called me crazy, to my face, & she & a few other people tell me that I waste too much money on that alcohol. But it's not a waste to me because it's like medicine for me.

I have more experiences to post, but I can't do it all on this introductory post.
 
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Hi Candy,
Welcome. I am new here too. I am so sorry that you have been through so much. I don't think you are crazy or being negative. From the experiences that you've described above I think you've had an understandable reaction to multiple traumas. May I also say that I think you are incredibly strong for surviving the terrible things you have been put through and brave for sharing your story with us. You will find people here that are really supportive and who understand your pain. Don't hesitate to reach out for help from anyone here.
 
Hi! Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry you have been through so much. I work with kids in foster care who have been through horrible abuse like yours and the road to healing can be long and hard, but it is well worth it!

If you are using alcohol to self medicate, one day, it will stop working - that's the nature of the drug. It loses effect over time. It also will change your brain and over time cause new symptoms and increase ones you have now.

I wonder what are your plans to handle the pain when the alcohol stops working to relieve the pain?

Your friend doesn't sound very understanding at all. I'm glad you are here on the forums.
 
Your story inspired me so much. You've been through hell & you're still fighting, which is something really special. You made me not want to give up. Thank you :)

I can completely relate to the "dirty" feeling. I have also been through much sexual abuse, & I struggled with viewing myself very specifically as a dirty old cleaning rag rather than a person for years. My therapist told me that I was having problems separating myself from my abuse- thinking of it as a part of me, rather than a part of my past experiences. I think you might be struggling with that too- you think you are dirty because your abuse has tarnished you in some way. You exist separately from the things that have happened to you, don't forget that.
 
Hi! Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry you have been through so much. I work with kids in foster care who have been through horrible abuse like yours and the road to healing can be long and hard, but it is well worth it!

If you are using alcohol to self medicate, one day, it will stop working - that's the nature of the drug. It loses effect over time. It also will change your brain and over time cause new symptoms and increase ones you have now.

I wonder what are your plans to handle the pain when the alcohol stops working to relieve the pain?

Your friend doesn't sound very understanding at all. I'm glad you are here on the forums.


No, I don't drink alcohol. You misunderstood me. I clean everything I touch with rubbing alcohol.
 
Sorry. I didn't know I couldn't post any links. The staff got on me really hard about it. I just posted YouTube videos explaining my traumas. I wasn't trying to promote anything.
 
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