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My abuser is haunting my dreams!

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Eden

Last night I had a dream which I've had many dreams before of my abuser but this time I liked him, I wanted to have sex with him, I still think he's so handsome .Anyways I have to smoke weed before I go to sleep it helps with the nightmares, I don't get nightmares if I smoke weed if I don't smoke weed the nightmares start. Over the summer I was having so many night terrors about him, I would have dreams that he would have a gang of girls coming after me with blades in their hands trying to throw the blades at me and kill me, and I've had other dreams where I could sense him in the dream.. and once a few months ago I had a dream of him and I was able to tell myself in the dream that this was just a dream, and I feel in some way I conquered my nightmares in that way. But then last night he popped right back into my f*cking dream so I wonder am I weak? Do I still want him? Could things be different? No they couldn't! He was the worst man I've ever met in my life!! I was a dancer and I met him at a strip club where I worked he ended up coming over to my house and he put on a good front let's just say that. He then slowly but surely got me locked in my own house he threw away all my precious belongings, he would scream at me and then one day it got really bad. I was on pills and I came home from my ex-girlfriends and he was livid and I was so high that I didn't care. I was laying on the bed and I was like what are you going to do, that you haven't already done ? And he came back in the house with a gun minutes later and he put it to my head made me strip my clothes and he told me that I was going to die, he was so high on cocaine I thought he was going to kill me! I came to terms with my maker in that second, he made me get into bed and he basically raped me. I called the cops for help the next day and they ended up arresting me because he had a small scratch on his neck ! During the time I had called the police he had brought over three Mexican men, and they were banging on my door trying to bang it down ! I threw his stuff out of the window and he caught my hand and a huge mirror fell on my head that was leaned against the window. The huge glass mirror hurt my head so bad that I had a bump on my head then by that time the cops had gotten there .
They arrested me and I wasn't allowed at my own house ever again so I had to move back into my mom's I even went into hiding at the Women's Safe shelter but that didn't work out because all the girls stole from me so I went back home and tried to start over but things just got worse for me. I became very addicted to Dilaudid and I ended up seeing him again because I was weak and I got so nervous that I dropped him off at a Walmart and left him there well mean while my dog who is my life was at my house he found the new apartment I was living in and broke in and took my dog and I didn't have her for days and I thought I was going to die by the grace of God he told my mother where my dog was and I got her back. Listen to me when I say if he hits you once shame on you if he hits you twice shame on you leave leave the f*cking abuser there is a man out there who will care for you! I found one he's caring he's never done drugs he works hard we have a house Life's good but deep down I feel like he's better than me and that maybe I deserve my abuser maybe that's all I deserve cuz I am f*cking haunted. My PTSD tried to kill me I tried to kill myself and yeah maybe I broke through it and I got through my suicidal moments and I'm so grateful I didn't kill myself. Everyday is a struggle when you think of your abuser but everyday is beautiful and I'm grateful I'm here with my dog and my new boyfriend and I pray this abuse stops for everyone men and women it's not just the women that are hurt it's the men to. Well I hope whoever is reading this takes a hint and I hope you change your life I hope you find a good guy or gal because it is possible to start over again if I can do it any girl or man can do it I have been through hell and I'm still here so f*ck all the abusers and all of the f*cking pain I pray God watches over me and helps me get through this PTSD is not a joke it is real ! God I pray I can find a way to make the PTSD and the nightmares go away for everyone. Have a blessed day stay strong when you're sad put music on sing exercise swim jump walk your dog pet your cat pray if you're not into God pray to Mother Earth pray that all this pain stops for all of us across the world pray for Second Chances and forgiveness and if you are a an abuser get help get counseling and change your life its possible! Love - Eden
 
Thanks for sharing your story. He [your rapist] didn't ''basically'' rape you. He raped you. Don't be confused about that. I wish I had more at this time to offer. This is the thing that rings clear and true to me for now.
 
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