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My Bad Day - Partner Pissing Me Off

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Tammy, Nov 9, 2006.

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  1. Tammy

    Tammy Active Member

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    I am writing to ask advice from any one. I have just had the worst two days of my life- at east that's how it seems right now. For those of you who don't know me, I am a full time uni student, a full time mum to a one year old and I am now 18 weeks pregnant again. My partner was discharged from the army in August. Before he was discharged we had an agreement that he would have at least a casual job by the end of three months; I was worried that if he didn't get back intot he workforce soon after discharge he never would. He has been offered a job laying pavers, which he seemed to enjoy, but he turned it down when they wanted him to go part time. He has been given heaps of info about getting a job as a prison warden and he hasn't even bothered to get the information package sent out. He hasn't even looked for a job since his discharge. He tells me he wants to go to Tafe, but that course doesn't start til February and he doesn't seem to care about looking into that either- he hasn't even rang the tafe. I am really concerned because with another child on the way I don't want to have to rely on government handouts (at the moment we get his invalidity payments and part of the pension- approximately 1300 a fortnight). He doesn't seem to care that our whole life is up in the air; at least it feels that way to me! Our bills just keep piling up and because of his bad credit rating and my lack of earnings, we can't even get a loan to get them out of the way. Whenever I ask him about why he isn;t looking for work; he tells me it's because if he gets a job now it will affect his compensation payout! I have no idea if this is true; I just find it really hard to believe. I have my famil and his on my back to get him to get a job, but he keeps using this same excuse. It has gotten to the stage where I am telling people the same story; but every one knows I don't believe it. Can anyone tell me if this is true, or if he is just being a lazy bum? I wouldn't mind so much if he helped around the house while I was at uni; and he does occassionally; he waters the lawns at night time and occassionally cooks and does the dishes. But today I was at uni for two hours and came home to check on him, the dishes fromt eh night before were still in the sink, there was dirt all over my lounge room floor, dishes piled up in the lounge room, and about 4 loads of laundry that needed to be done; he was sitting down watching a movie!!! This is really starting to get to me, as I then had to do it all before going back to uni for another class. Please help...
     
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  3. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Whenever I ask him about why he isn;t looking for work; he tells me it's because if he gets a job now it will affect his compensation payout!

    Hi Tammy what compo payout is he waiting on is it an injury from the Army?
    $1300 a fortnight is he on TPI?
    Sounds to me like its the (we will be right attitiude Ive got money coming in)
    Tammy be VERY careful you need to be strong about this and nip it in the bud before he gets to the point of no return. Thats what happened with my hubby he had all this talk about TAFE casual work etc to no avail seemed content to stay in bed and then watch TV while I was out working. Now he is a complete mess and a lot of it is PTSD but there is guilt there that he has been a pain in the arse to live with.
    Tammy put your foot down who looks after bub while you are at uni?
    Jen
     
  4. Tammy

    Tammy Active Member

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    My son is the product of an earlier relationship so he's at his fathers from wednesday night til midday thursday and sunday night til midday monday. Most of the other times I am at uni my mum watches him. Like you seem to be with your daughter I am very close to my mum- she is my best friend. I have learnt not to talk to her baout my problems with Alex though because she is a very full on person and she would go off at him which just makes things worse. He does watch Jackson occassionally, but I am constantly stressing about whether they are ok. This whole job thing just gets to me. WHen I try to talk to him about him he says things like "why don't you get a job?". That hurts because I feel that being a mother, student and housewife are threee very important jobs. He doesn't seem to understand that even if I wanted to work I will need to take time off after our second child is born in APril for maternity leave anyway. Nor does he look at the fact that I have been a student since I started grade one and the only real jobs I have had were modelling/promotions and a video shop attendant- neither of which I can do anymore, either because of the hours or because of the pregnancy. He tells me that this is because his shrink has told his work find agency that he is not ready to go back to work yet! I just don't understand why they would want him to sit at home; in my opinion that is the worst way to run things... but as I am told time and time again- I wouldn't know. I sit and think sometimes how much easier life would be without my babies, and that is so cruel (to them). My son is the one thing in my life that I don't regret doing the wrong way (being that I'm not with his biological father). Alex is a great step dad but I worry about what my babies are going to think in ten years time when Dad stil doesn't have a job. I get upset because I dont want to write unemployed under fathers occupation on my second childs birth certificate. The past two days I have felt as though all I have to live for are my kids; and I simply dont want to feel this way. I want to feel the need to live for my whole family. Alex recieves some form of payment because he was medically dicharged with PTSD! And you are right about his theory on "when this payout comes through...". He talks all the time about what sort of business he wans to start up and I am just so tired of being supportive about it, when all I want to do is scream at him "get a job you lazy bastard, you have a family to support". I just don't understand how at times he says he wants to provide for our family and then not even be bothered to look for a job. And with my examI really wish I culd just tune out.
     
  5. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Tammy....It is hard....i keep having really horrible days over and over it seems :(
    My hubby is on disability leave at the moment...hes only doing it for a month though...so he says...i am scared that it may not be the case and now listening to your story it scares me more....he cannot handle the stress of working in the mortgage industry so he took some time off to figuere out what he can/wants to do with his life career wise.
    So it has been about 3 weeks now on going on 4 and to this day he has not done much around the house...to help himself... i am not saying that he is not doing anything but he could be doing a bit more i guess....specially when he is home all day and the house is a mess :( i see it as lazy but he says no... I dont have kids but i feel like his mother sometimes and its just weird...honey please do this, please take care of that..please make the bed?! at least..... its hard but i have come to realize that we cant do much to change what they are going through....they have to realize it on their own... as of now, i have given up... i try not to bug him with housework, bills, money...nothing, i just try to suck it all in :( I hope you guys can make something work....
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Tam, I can understand your frustration with him actually, because even though Alex has PTSD, his PTSD is not at a detrimental level as such, ie. severe or chronic, but he has PTSD from the accident. Alex is falling into the typical PTSD depressive state that we all find, and using it as his excuse to not do anything at all. Saying that, basically with PTSD though the doctors do simply say, "you need to go crawl under a rock for a year or two and just exist", because time helps to heal wounds, whether actually being treated or not, time does heal to a certain degree. PTSD is no different under certain circumstances.

    I would agree that you need to stick your foot in his arse. Hell, why not tell your mum and let her give it too him for a change, as this reduces some pressure from you atleast, and maybe her words might have some impact, as yours are not. I am not saying that Alex will ever be able to hold full-time employment again, as that is an individual thing depending on how severe a person trauma was, the extent and length of trauma suffered. Everyone is different in this regard. Alex does need to get going and try atleast.

    Look, I got told I will never work again because of the severity of my trauma itself, the duration and the specific incidents, but that still doesn't stop me trying to push myself and expose myself to see how I cope every few months. Sure, I still fall over at present, but hey, maybe in five, or ten years, if I am still pushing I might find I no longer fall over, thus I can get myself back into employment that I choose. But if he's not trying at all, then he really has no benchmark to feed his current assumptions. He is currently talking himself out of everything before doing anything, which is depression, no doubt.

    He does need a rocket in his arse to get going, and maybe your mother is that rocket. Sure, there are much harder routes to possibly achieve the same things, but you can guess them for yourself, and if they backfire, then you could be all alone when you didn't actually want that at all. So we will leave those tactics alone until desperation is at its peak I think.

    See what your mother can do Tam... but I would actually really talk with her about all aspects of Alex first, before she gives him her fullon attitude.
     
  7. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Tammy,

    I have asked Anthony to send you an email to tell you from the PTSD perspective what is going on. Also he should be able to give you a heads up about the compensation payout.

    My suggestions are, take what Anthony has to say on board. He has the PTSD, not working and compensation insight which might give you a little perspective. My other suggestion is, hard as it is, send Jackson to your Mums (so he is out of the house) and give Alex the short shift. You are right.........going to uni, being a mother and being pregnant are more than enough 'jobs' for you to do AND you are not Alex's mother. It is not your responsibility to cook, clean, wash and pick up after him. He has two legs and a heart beat. Now while I can fully understand that he may not be up to working yet and there are days when he will feel unwell, he can still get off his ass and help with the housework. This has only occasionally been an issue for me, as Anthony is a bit of a neat freak but there have been times when I have come home from a full days work and the house has been a shit fight. I used to assess if he was unwell or just being plain lazy, if it was the latter of the two I let him have it. I made it clear to Anthony, right from the start, that if he was going to be at home because he legitimately couldn't work then he could do more than his fair share of the house stuff. Its about being fair. At the moment I am picking up the slack because Anthony does do some work from home and runs this forum. New babe will be here soon and it will be his turn again. Having said that, I refuse to do everything. Even Logan has small jobs to do and I won't do his washing anymore because he used to whine everytime I asked him to hang clothes out....solution, do it yourself.

    Don't let him pee in your pocket Tammy. He knows how to clean and wash and cook. Like my mum always says 'start as you mean to go on'. If you don't want this to continue like this, then you need to tell him. Try and not get into an argument about it but just let him know that he is not being fair. I wish that men could sometimes feel how very draining, physically and emotionally it can be to be pregnant....of course the world would not be populated then!! PM me your home number and I will give you a call. Take care, big hugs.
     
  8. Tammy

    Tammy Active Member

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    Well Jackson went to his dads today and Alex and I had a really relaxing time together, I fell asleep. When I woke up he had made a real effort to get things done around the house. I am putting it all down to the depression factor. I know that at times a can be quite lazy as well; so I can't blame him one hundred per cent. We have spoken about hm getting a job and he has told me to come along to the next lot of interviews with him to find out more. Hopefully we will get past this; it's not that bad that I want to leave so there's still hope. Thanks for the support though, I really appreciate it. If someone can give me instructions on how to PM I will do that gladly. I guess with my post natal depression and his ptsd we really are a mixed up couple. Your words do help though and I really do appreciate being able to get it all off my chest.
     
  9. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Tammy glad that you had a good day today. The good days really stand out dont they? Depression makes them a bit like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde:crazy:
    My hubby has had the shits for two days but today was a bit better he even helped me around the yard which was a bonus. I just cant afford to get to excited when he seems a bit better because when he goes down again I get really cranky so you just have to take it as it comes.
    Take the good days and bottle them up:smile:
    Jen
     
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