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Relationship My boyfriend has ptsd and left me a few days ago

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Jeannette

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My boyfriend left our home after 2 years living together he said he needs space to find himself, that he loves me but he can't do it. He was encarcerated for 26 years and has PTSD I knew that when I got into the relationship. He made a mistake and it cost him most of his life in there. We've had our ups and downs but been able to go through it together.

I lost my job 2 months ago and the financial struggle sent him into a spiral effect. He would shut down and always felt tired. I didn't know how to handle it and when we argued it got to the point that I lost control and I would put my hands on him, never left marks or anything but just grabbed him hard. I stopped that when he showed me a video of how angry I got. We worked on that and I changed.

He decided to leave because the stress of our relationship is too much and the finances are too much for him.

He didn't respond the first two days and he finally answered me the second day and I cried and did everything wrong. I begged him to come back and he said: That is not my home! I told him, I wasn't working and that I needed help. He said I will give you money for rent nothing will change, I just don't want to go back. I love you but I can't. He didn't take any clothes.

I lost it and ended up in a hospital with a mental break down. He knew about it but never came to see me or text me at all.

I texted him last night telling him, that reaching that breaking point was it for me. I said I never understood that you needed space, I accepted now but I want you to be ok. I am letting you go because I love you. Reach out whenever you are able to.

He asked me to leave him some clothes and stuff in the laundry room downstairs, we live in an apartment and that he would pick it up. He doesn't want to see me.

I love him and I know I did everything wrong. I don't think he will come back but I hope he does. If he does, I would want therapy for both of us to have a healthy relationship.
 
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I don't think he will come back but I hope he does. If he does, I would want therapy for both of us to have a healthy relationship.
You need mental health support, not a relationship.

You were out of control and physically abusive to this man, so much do that he had to show you a video of yourself in order for you to understand what you were doing.

You tried to emotionally manipulate him into coming back after he made what seems like a reasonable decision to end the relationship. You cried and begged and ended up in the hospital and are upset he didn't come to see you there.

And now you are 'letting him go because you love him'.

This has nothing to do with his PTSD. You are not in a state to have a relationship - work on your anger issues, emotional dependency, and manipulation.
 
You need mental health support, not a relationship.

You were out of control and physically abusiv...
You are correct, I did everything wrong. However this happened the first year of our relationship the last year I learned to speak to him and tried to communicate but he kept shutting down. He kept telling me, his job was taking a toll on him. when I lost my job he could not deal with all.
 
You are correct, I did everything wrong. However this happened the first year of our relationship the...
Just because you moved on from the abuse in the relationship doesn't mean he did. And it's a lot of stress when ½ of a couple lose their job.

He's doing what he needs to do to take care of himself.

Let him go.

What can you do to take care of yourself?
 
I have let him go, it doesn't mean I don't care for him. He is on parole so I wanted to make sure he doesn't get in trouble by moving out. I am starting therapy to learn to deal with my own issues. I don't text him unless he does. He hasn't taken all of his stuff yet, we have a lease, bills a life together and I am not using that to make him come back. I texted him and told him to take care of himself and that I respect any decision he makes. It sounds like I am an awful person but trust me I am not. I have put up with emotional abuse from him as well. Although, I understood it was his illness and he often talked to me and said he has no more patience or nothing left because his job drains him. He works as a case manager for a non profit. I understand he had so much stress. He told me yesterday he loves me, he is trying to find himself and balance and then he can make a decision. All I did was say that I love him and sorry for not being supportive and ready for him. For him to worry about himself and that I was going to be ok. Things are not always black or white and there is no excuse for physical abuse. I am not diminishing anything. I am sorry it happen and if he decides to never come back then that would be his choice. But what I said is that if he decides to come back; we will need to attend therapy to move forward in a healthier way.
 
Honestly, you need to leave him alone. The fact that there was violence in the relationship means that he will struggle to find an equal place because he knows that ultimately you have the capacity to "lay hands on him". It's very usual for there to be lots of making up, "I'm sorry, I still care for you" stuff when there has been abuse - it's part of the pattern and given you couldn't see how violent you were being, it's possible you still can't see how controlling your behaviour is.

Leave him alone, let him sort himself out, his parole etc is his to deal with as an adult. You take the time out of a relationship to sort yourself out - maybe starting with why you'd be in a relationship with someone who did something that merited being jailed for 26 years. If down the line you both are well and healthy and still interested in each other, great, but just now neither of you need to be in a relationship.
 
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