My brother called me friday to tell me the doctor said he doesn't have much longer to live. He has cirrhosis of the liver and isn't doing well. I was in a dissociative state the day he told me, so I basically acted like he didn't tell me.
He didn't mention anything specific, he just kept telling me that it was time to let go of everything, that we were just kids when all that stuff happened. He kept telling me we are grown now, we have the right to say/do what we want. He said we don't have to live now as if it was still happening. Since I was dissociating at the time of the conversation, I didn't say anything, I just said "I know".
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel sad, I do love my brother and I will miss him. I feel sad that he has struggled his whole life and has suffered so much. He has so much self blame and self hate. He is a tortured soul with his untreated, undiagnosed ptsd. When he told me what th doctor said, he told me "I don't care". And he really doesn't care. I think he's longing for an end to this madness. In a way, I am happy it will all be over soon for him. I understand his struggles and his suffering. Since there's no cure for cirrhosis, I just hope he rests in peace.
I also feel so pissed and so heartbroken. I wish all my brothers and sisters had sought help a long time ago. I wish I had too. All 6 of us suffer with ptsd, yet I'm the only one trying to help myself. I am pissed that the people who were supposed to take care of us and protect us were so ****ed up themselves that they weren't able to and we are suffering the consequences. I'm pissed that it seems to be a vicious cycle and I wonder how many of our kids, grandkids and future generations will suffer because of it.
I feel even more determined to get my own ptsd under control and maybe, by example, get my other brothers and sisters to seek help. If they see that it's possible, they will want to do it too. I don't want to see them suffer and struggle anymore. I don't want to watch them self-destruct anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore and self destruct either. Yet on the other hand, I feel it's not fair or right for me to help myself and leave them on the side. But I know I have to help myself first before I'm able to help anyone else.
I need to tell my brother that I forgive him and I don't blame him for the times he abused/hurt me. It wasn't his fault. He was just repeating what was done to him and what he learned. I need to tell him that he's not as low, unworthy, useless, etc. as he thinks and feels. I need to tell him alot of things while I can. I know I will regret it if I don't.
He didn't mention anything specific, he just kept telling me that it was time to let go of everything, that we were just kids when all that stuff happened. He kept telling me we are grown now, we have the right to say/do what we want. He said we don't have to live now as if it was still happening. Since I was dissociating at the time of the conversation, I didn't say anything, I just said "I know".
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel sad, I do love my brother and I will miss him. I feel sad that he has struggled his whole life and has suffered so much. He has so much self blame and self hate. He is a tortured soul with his untreated, undiagnosed ptsd. When he told me what th doctor said, he told me "I don't care". And he really doesn't care. I think he's longing for an end to this madness. In a way, I am happy it will all be over soon for him. I understand his struggles and his suffering. Since there's no cure for cirrhosis, I just hope he rests in peace.
I also feel so pissed and so heartbroken. I wish all my brothers and sisters had sought help a long time ago. I wish I had too. All 6 of us suffer with ptsd, yet I'm the only one trying to help myself. I am pissed that the people who were supposed to take care of us and protect us were so ****ed up themselves that they weren't able to and we are suffering the consequences. I'm pissed that it seems to be a vicious cycle and I wonder how many of our kids, grandkids and future generations will suffer because of it.
I feel even more determined to get my own ptsd under control and maybe, by example, get my other brothers and sisters to seek help. If they see that it's possible, they will want to do it too. I don't want to see them suffer and struggle anymore. I don't want to watch them self-destruct anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore and self destruct either. Yet on the other hand, I feel it's not fair or right for me to help myself and leave them on the side. But I know I have to help myself first before I'm able to help anyone else.
I need to tell my brother that I forgive him and I don't blame him for the times he abused/hurt me. It wasn't his fault. He was just repeating what was done to him and what he learned. I need to tell him that he's not as low, unworthy, useless, etc. as he thinks and feels. I need to tell him alot of things while I can. I know I will regret it if I don't.