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My Brother Is Dying

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Jade-

MyPTSD Pro
My brother called me friday to tell me the doctor said he doesn't have much longer to live. He has cirrhosis of the liver and isn't doing well. I was in a dissociative state the day he told me, so I basically acted like he didn't tell me.

He didn't mention anything specific, he just kept telling me that it was time to let go of everything, that we were just kids when all that stuff happened. He kept telling me we are grown now, we have the right to say/do what we want. He said we don't have to live now as if it was still happening. Since I was dissociating at the time of the conversation, I didn't say anything, I just said "I know".

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel sad, I do love my brother and I will miss him. I feel sad that he has struggled his whole life and has suffered so much. He has so much self blame and self hate. He is a tortured soul with his untreated, undiagnosed ptsd. When he told me what th doctor said, he told me "I don't care". And he really doesn't care. I think he's longing for an end to this madness. In a way, I am happy it will all be over soon for him. I understand his struggles and his suffering. Since there's no cure for cirrhosis, I just hope he rests in peace.

I also feel so pissed and so heartbroken. I wish all my brothers and sisters had sought help a long time ago. I wish I had too. All 6 of us suffer with ptsd, yet I'm the only one trying to help myself. I am pissed that the people who were supposed to take care of us and protect us were so ****ed up themselves that they weren't able to and we are suffering the consequences. I'm pissed that it seems to be a vicious cycle and I wonder how many of our kids, grandkids and future generations will suffer because of it.

I feel even more determined to get my own ptsd under control and maybe, by example, get my other brothers and sisters to seek help. If they see that it's possible, they will want to do it too. I don't want to see them suffer and struggle anymore. I don't want to watch them self-destruct anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore and self destruct either. Yet on the other hand, I feel it's not fair or right for me to help myself and leave them on the side. But I know I have to help myself first before I'm able to help anyone else.

I need to tell my brother that I forgive him and I don't blame him for the times he abused/hurt me. It wasn't his fault. He was just repeating what was done to him and what he learned. I need to tell him that he's not as low, unworthy, useless, etc. as he thinks and feels. I need to tell him alot of things while I can. I know I will regret it if I don't.
 
Jade,

The news about your brother is very sad indeed. I commend you for being able to write about it here. It is not at all suprising that you have a mix of emotions, I hope that by writing about it, it has helped you sort out some of your thoughts. I hope that you are able to tell your brother everything that you need to, before his passing. I also hope your brothers and sisters seek help for their PTSD, but if they choose not to, you cannot force that. Sometimes it takes something very tragic, for good things to result. Maybe, by seeing his life cut short too soon, they will identify issues in their own lives. I guess you can only lead by example. And you are a fine example of someone who is fighting to overcome PTSD.

Thinking of you
CB
 
I guess the reason I started this thread is because I have a tendency to just avoid things and pretend they aren't happening until it catches up with me or it's too late. This is something I can't avoid.
 
I also feel so pissed and so heartbroken. I wish all my brothers and sisters had sought help a long time ago. I wish I had too. All 6 of us suffer with ptsd, yet I'm the only one trying to help myself.

So sorry to hear about your brother Jadebear.
 
This is a tough situation Jadebear. I'm sorry you all (you and your siblings) are having to face it. Very heartbreaking!

I am proud of you for sharing and not avoiding and recognizing your needs to talk with your brother. That will not be an easy conversation I am sure. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Once again you blow me away with your strength and courage to face a difficult situation!

Hugs, PH
 
Dear Jadebear,
I am sorry to hear about the situation with your brother. I get a feeling here that you are very strong You are right in that you need to help yourself before you can help others, though. I wish you all the best!

-E
 
Jade, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I understand the mixed emotions. It makes sense that you would be feeling that way. I'm proud of you for sharing early on, maybe it will help you get you mind and heart around it. I agree that you need to talk with your brother before he passes. It will be good for both of you. I am sure that it will be tough but you are strong and your love for him will enable you to say what needs to be said. So wish I could give you a huge in person....(((HUG)))
 
well.... it shakes up the perspective when mortality rings in on us. Whether it be another or ourselves. I have been thinking a lot lately too about things and your words are right on the money. I think it is very important for you to have this talk with our brother and it will no doubt be of great comfort to the both of you. So often the time is not afforded to those to say the things we need to.

So sorry for this. I am a firm believer there is often a balance met when such loss is faced, especially when those involved are aware and paying attention... surely some good will spring out of the worst of it. Your family may very well take the example of you to heart and even if not, the good intentions will seep into others around you. I think the good energy goes elsewhere when we do our best, honest communicating even if it isn't something you see right away.

Thinking of you all...
 
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