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General My Combat Vet Broke Down And Said This To Me

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BrokenWoman

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So I've been coming here for a long time and read a lot but never say much. Been with my sufferer 3 1/2 years but I had worn thin lately after his last isolation period and told him I needed space. I think he felt that I was going to leave him and that's when told me all this. I just wanted to share with other supporters a little how my guy felt and what happens when he isolates. He said all of the following to me this morning and I was floored. . I'll copy and paste it.

"You listen. I have prayed for you. I have been so grateful for you. I have cherished and almost sickenly valued you. Way more than I'd ever admit or tell anyone but you and you never saw that. You never saw it cuz I hid it and honestly I've never had what you gave me. Maybe it scared me. Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not the toughest guy who has it all like everyone thinks. Maybe there are sides to me that make me scared and uneasy. Maybe I'm way damaged goods. Maybe I couldn't handle it or maybe I saved you from even more hurt. I wouldn't have ever hit you, ever. Maybe some parts of life or things wake people up in the middle of the night sweating and feeling like they are dieing is hard. Maybe people isolate and can't grasp why someone like you would love me. Maybe it sucks the breath out of them. It's not just about you and from the bottom of my heart I swear I didn't mean for this of me to hurt you. You gave me something I valued more than anything but was too prideful to show it or tell you. I'm sorry. I pull away when I have anxiety and need to fix things. I don't care to talk about it because I have a process I go through. I blackout sometimes for a few days. When I got thru this. I can't remember a few days. I lay there in bed and I think OMG you are so f*cked up you can't even remember yesterday. It's like it erases. It's hard to deal with and it happens a few times a year. It scares me so much that I have to reevaluate and start over. My teenage daughter has become aware of this talk I do. I think how confusing for a teenager to know her daddy is f*cked up sometimes. She said ok dad you do this about once every two months, sometimes more frequent but everything is going to be okay. I was like OMG and it makes a grown man sorta cringe cuz she's right. But listen I've never had what you gave me. Maybe it scared me, maybe I can't handle it, maybe I isolate, maybe I can't express that part of me. I'm shocked. Your what I've always wanted."
"
 
And here is a sufferers truth ! I am so proud of him for taking this risk and telling you what is going on with him. I'm sure you still need your break from it all... but it is so much easier to understand, coming from him... wish you both the absolute best under such hard circumstances.... hugs to both of you!!!
 
Well I really needed to hear it. I needed to understand better what he goes through. I needed to hear how much I meant to him. It gave me an idea what he goes through and why it's not so easy to just reach out sometimes. It was a huge eye opener and probably saved us. I think I'll handle his isolations better now. I think it'll make me a better supporter and I won't take his withdrawals so personally anymore. I didn't handle this last one well, I'll be honest. However I think my frustrations had been growing for awhile. I'm really glad he could bring himself to share that with me. I think that was huge for him.
 
Once you come to peace with isolation, it is so much easier. I had an "a-ha" moment with my vet too, and I realized it's has nothing to do with him not wanting me. It was his time to "hard reset" when he was really stressed.

I can almost enjoy the isolation at times myself. I get a little space too, time to do things I enjoy that he hates, etc. Especially if he's been a bit of a turkey before he isolates. It can be a reset for me too.
 
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