BrokenWoman
Learning
So I've been coming here for a long time and read a lot but never say much. Been with my sufferer 3 1/2 years but I had worn thin lately after his last isolation period and told him I needed space. I think he felt that I was going to leave him and that's when told me all this. I just wanted to share with other supporters a little how my guy felt and what happens when he isolates. He said all of the following to me this morning and I was floored. . I'll copy and paste it.
"You listen. I have prayed for you. I have been so grateful for you. I have cherished and almost sickenly valued you. Way more than I'd ever admit or tell anyone but you and you never saw that. You never saw it cuz I hid it and honestly I've never had what you gave me. Maybe it scared me. Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not the toughest guy who has it all like everyone thinks. Maybe there are sides to me that make me scared and uneasy. Maybe I'm way damaged goods. Maybe I couldn't handle it or maybe I saved you from even more hurt. I wouldn't have ever hit you, ever. Maybe some parts of life or things wake people up in the middle of the night sweating and feeling like they are dieing is hard. Maybe people isolate and can't grasp why someone like you would love me. Maybe it sucks the breath out of them. It's not just about you and from the bottom of my heart I swear I didn't mean for this of me to hurt you. You gave me something I valued more than anything but was too prideful to show it or tell you. I'm sorry. I pull away when I have anxiety and need to fix things. I don't care to talk about it because I have a process I go through. I blackout sometimes for a few days. When I got thru this. I can't remember a few days. I lay there in bed and I think OMG you are so f*cked up you can't even remember yesterday. It's like it erases. It's hard to deal with and it happens a few times a year. It scares me so much that I have to reevaluate and start over. My teenage daughter has become aware of this talk I do. I think how confusing for a teenager to know her daddy is f*cked up sometimes. She said ok dad you do this about once every two months, sometimes more frequent but everything is going to be okay. I was like OMG and it makes a grown man sorta cringe cuz she's right. But listen I've never had what you gave me. Maybe it scared me, maybe I can't handle it, maybe I isolate, maybe I can't express that part of me. I'm shocked. Your what I've always wanted."
"
"You listen. I have prayed for you. I have been so grateful for you. I have cherished and almost sickenly valued you. Way more than I'd ever admit or tell anyone but you and you never saw that. You never saw it cuz I hid it and honestly I've never had what you gave me. Maybe it scared me. Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not the toughest guy who has it all like everyone thinks. Maybe there are sides to me that make me scared and uneasy. Maybe I'm way damaged goods. Maybe I couldn't handle it or maybe I saved you from even more hurt. I wouldn't have ever hit you, ever. Maybe some parts of life or things wake people up in the middle of the night sweating and feeling like they are dieing is hard. Maybe people isolate and can't grasp why someone like you would love me. Maybe it sucks the breath out of them. It's not just about you and from the bottom of my heart I swear I didn't mean for this of me to hurt you. You gave me something I valued more than anything but was too prideful to show it or tell you. I'm sorry. I pull away when I have anxiety and need to fix things. I don't care to talk about it because I have a process I go through. I blackout sometimes for a few days. When I got thru this. I can't remember a few days. I lay there in bed and I think OMG you are so f*cked up you can't even remember yesterday. It's like it erases. It's hard to deal with and it happens a few times a year. It scares me so much that I have to reevaluate and start over. My teenage daughter has become aware of this talk I do. I think how confusing for a teenager to know her daddy is f*cked up sometimes. She said ok dad you do this about once every two months, sometimes more frequent but everything is going to be okay. I was like OMG and it makes a grown man sorta cringe cuz she's right. But listen I've never had what you gave me. Maybe it scared me, maybe I can't handle it, maybe I isolate, maybe I can't express that part of me. I'm shocked. Your what I've always wanted."
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