Today when I got home from yoga, my youngest told me, 'Grandma called. She said it's important.' With my mom, important can be a whole range of things. So I called and my stepfather answered and gave me right over to my mom. I could tell the minute she said 'hello' that she was crying and very upset. My brother's wife had a heart attack. Fortunately she's a nurse and was on duty at the hospital when it happened. We've also since found out no surgery-they can remove the blockages with meds. But I just fell apart. Between hearing my mom's voice (which took me right back to the year after my sister died and many, many phone calls with her crying), worrying about my brother, SIL and their kids-it was all just too much. For so long, I was the person who was strong. I was the person who took care of those that fell apart. Now I'm the one who's falling apart. And I really despise it. I know the strong, competant person is still inside of me...I can feel her. But this big wall is in front of me with PTSD written all over it. And when things get tough, this wall just overshadows everything else and it's all I can see and feel. And this shit has gotten really old. Anxiety goes up, pain comes in. I've had about enough of that. It seemed like every place that could hurt, did hurt today. And the pain makes the anxiety go up, then the pain increases. Judas priest I have got to find a way to get this cycle broken. I know I'm bitching right now. I'm also wiped out. Not a great day by any stretch.