D
Deleted member 34561
Woke up in tears again, the third morning in a row. Following nightmares about my horrible mum's abysmal mistreatment of me growing up. And what she also did to me as an adult until I finally jogged her on 14 years ago. Her birthday always triggers these awful memories and feelings in me. While I was still smoking pot heavily and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol I could keep a lot of it at bay, you know, stay 'comfortably numb'. Indeed that song from Pink Floyd's 1979 album was one of my anthems. I used the booze and green to aid and abet my disassociation from those memories and emotions. To block out the images in my head and kill the pain fear shame sorrow anger etc. And I can't do that now I'm straight and mostly sober.
I've been having flashbacks all morning about her sexual assault of me when I was just 3 years old. I repressed this memory for 45 years till it started coming back to me 9 months ago. At first I thought I was losing my mind and that my mind was playing tricks on me and that I was imagining it all because of coming off drink and drugs. It started coming through as snapshots and kind of like stills in a movie. Which I was viewing from a distance. You know like watching it on a screen in a cinema. And I started remembering it in reverse as well as in me remembering what she did to me at the end of her assault before I remembered the middle and the start of her attack. The 'least' of it I remembered first and the 'worst' I remembered last. It was really fragmented to begin with and all muddled up in my head. And I didn't get the feelings until I remembered the 'worst'. All I can conclude is that I must have left my body when the assault started happening. I also remember my mum making me drink something really vile tasting before she hurt me. And me feeling woozy and sort of 'out of it' as she began to molest me. Then I lose the feeling altogether until the end of this episode when she finished the assault with something really really painful. The woozy feeling I now recognise as alcohol. And possibly Valium as well because when my dad died suddenly almost 17 years ago my GP prescribed me some Valium to get me through the worst of the shock. I recognised how the Valium made me feel from somewhere in my past but until now I was unable to make the connection. Also until now I never realised the connection between me having boiling hot baths as an adult and what my mum did to me after attacking me as a 3 year old. But it's all start to make horrible sense now.
I can't get over how disturbed and psychotic my mum must have been to ply her only daughter with booze and pills at a tender age and then do such evil depraved things to me that my poor little mind at the time had no way of comprehending much less describe because I was only just starting to talk at the time. The feelings I get with the images are just like a pure out of control scream of extreme hurt and fear. I believe this was a one off isolated incident with my mum but I can't be sure because I have blocked a lot of other incidents of abuse concerning my older brothers' sexual abuse of me out of my head as well. I blocked out the memory of my eldest brother's attempted rape of me when I was 6 years old for 17 years and it only came back when I was 23 and he refused to come to my wedding because I was marrying a man he didn't approve of plus the fact I was getting married in a registry office not a church plus the fact I hadn't known my intended that long when we tied the knot plus the fact he made much of me 'depriving mum and dad of their big day' when actually it was MY big day not theirs. All this rage at my eldest brother came exploding up and out of me when he said all that to me, seemingly from nowhere. And then the same thing that has recently happened with the memory of my mum molesting me started happening with the memory of my eldest brother try to rape me. Again to begin with I doubted the veracity of the pictures in my head but when it kept popping up over and over again and I started joining the dots about my anger at him in the here and now with him violating me at such a tender age once again it all added up in an awful way.
The same thing happened with a memory I have of witnessing my mum molesting my other older brother in front of me when I was 11 years old and he would have been 15. I repressed that memory for over 25 years. Again, snapshots at first, then the feeling of shock disgust fear and confusion. I now recall how they both acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. And that within a year of this incident occurring that brother started grooming me and our mum put us in the same hotel room on holiday after him grooming me by showing me pornography and trying to French kiss me and then his abuse of me began. Which then happened on a daily basis for the next 5 years a lot of which I disassociated from but there are stand out memories which I have flashbacks about including the first time he raped me in my school uniform when I was 14 followed a couple of months later by him and his best mate gang raping me in my bedroom at home while our mum sat downstairs in the living room watching TV and me hearing her slam the living room door shut and turning the volume up on the telly to drown out the sound of me screaming and begging them to stop and screaming for my mum to stop them as well. I don't suppose I really need to remember the rest of it that my mind has 'forgotten', only what my mind knows I need to know.
But why couldn't I have remembered these incidents before I put my kids in danger of be abused themselves by my mum? Because if I had I wouldn't have had anything to do with her and I wouldn't have let her anywhere near my babies. My God I was in so much denial. It was bad enough knowing one of my older brothers had raped and molested me throughout my teens and that his mates were also involved (there were 2 others besides his best mate) but to know my eldest brother AND our mum also sexually abused me is just too bloody much to cope with at times. Especially now I know my mum also molested my eldest kid and hit my youngest. And it's one thing knowing it but quite another thing entirely believing and accepting it as fact.
And it's yet another thing knowing that I can't do anything about any of it. Even if I got a solicitor to represent me in a civil court to go after my mum and brothers for damages on a no win no fee basis there's no guarantee I would win and they would probably get away with it because they are all so wealthy they could afford the best defence barrister their noncey money could buy. And that barrister would violate me and rip me apart on the witness stand on their behalf and use all my own mistakes against me to discredit me, mistakes I wouldn't have even made if not for the dire effects my mum and brothers collective abuse of me had on me as a person.
I really want to let this go so it doesn't destroy me anymore and so I don't take it out on myself or the wrong people anymore but right now I feel I could go out smashing heads because of my outrage at being so severely hurt like that and my kids too especially my eldest who's now returned to his grandmother a victim of her original brainwashing which was continued by social services once he went into care 19 years ago a fortnight this Sunday. And the least said about social services the better I think in light of the response I've had on my other recent posts regarding them lol.
I'm just really struggling today and I wonder what I can do to channel the energy from all this fury in a positive healthy way. Cracking up, breaking down, attempting suicide, drinking and drugging myself into a numb stupor or threatening stabbing battering and killing my poxy evil mother and siblings are not the way to go lol. I have a blinding headache and I feel so tense and wound up all this shit literally makes me feel physically ill. I've already been out for a long walk with the dog, we walked over 2 miles today and yesterday. Distraction in the form of books telly music adult colouring books etc isn't working. I cleaned the house from top to bottom the other day just to discharge some of this energy so there's no cleaning to be done now. I was thinking about strimming my back and front lawns but it's been pissing down with rain the last couple of days where I am so the grass will be wet and I don't fancy getting myself electrocuted lol. I wish I had one of those punchbags boxers use in training or a pile of old crockery I could smash into smithereens. This anger has got to go somewhere before I bloody explode or to the other extreme implode. I'm trying to find the middle way and some balance here but so far it's eluding me. Sigh.
Suggestions advice positive constructive feedback welcome. And can I please have some big hugs as well?! Lol. I surely can't be the only one here with a rotten cow of a mum like mine? At least I don't have to deal with her anymore since we went our separate ways 14 years ago. But the memories will never leave me.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47
I've been having flashbacks all morning about her sexual assault of me when I was just 3 years old. I repressed this memory for 45 years till it started coming back to me 9 months ago. At first I thought I was losing my mind and that my mind was playing tricks on me and that I was imagining it all because of coming off drink and drugs. It started coming through as snapshots and kind of like stills in a movie. Which I was viewing from a distance. You know like watching it on a screen in a cinema. And I started remembering it in reverse as well as in me remembering what she did to me at the end of her assault before I remembered the middle and the start of her attack. The 'least' of it I remembered first and the 'worst' I remembered last. It was really fragmented to begin with and all muddled up in my head. And I didn't get the feelings until I remembered the 'worst'. All I can conclude is that I must have left my body when the assault started happening. I also remember my mum making me drink something really vile tasting before she hurt me. And me feeling woozy and sort of 'out of it' as she began to molest me. Then I lose the feeling altogether until the end of this episode when she finished the assault with something really really painful. The woozy feeling I now recognise as alcohol. And possibly Valium as well because when my dad died suddenly almost 17 years ago my GP prescribed me some Valium to get me through the worst of the shock. I recognised how the Valium made me feel from somewhere in my past but until now I was unable to make the connection. Also until now I never realised the connection between me having boiling hot baths as an adult and what my mum did to me after attacking me as a 3 year old. But it's all start to make horrible sense now.
I can't get over how disturbed and psychotic my mum must have been to ply her only daughter with booze and pills at a tender age and then do such evil depraved things to me that my poor little mind at the time had no way of comprehending much less describe because I was only just starting to talk at the time. The feelings I get with the images are just like a pure out of control scream of extreme hurt and fear. I believe this was a one off isolated incident with my mum but I can't be sure because I have blocked a lot of other incidents of abuse concerning my older brothers' sexual abuse of me out of my head as well. I blocked out the memory of my eldest brother's attempted rape of me when I was 6 years old for 17 years and it only came back when I was 23 and he refused to come to my wedding because I was marrying a man he didn't approve of plus the fact I was getting married in a registry office not a church plus the fact I hadn't known my intended that long when we tied the knot plus the fact he made much of me 'depriving mum and dad of their big day' when actually it was MY big day not theirs. All this rage at my eldest brother came exploding up and out of me when he said all that to me, seemingly from nowhere. And then the same thing that has recently happened with the memory of my mum molesting me started happening with the memory of my eldest brother try to rape me. Again to begin with I doubted the veracity of the pictures in my head but when it kept popping up over and over again and I started joining the dots about my anger at him in the here and now with him violating me at such a tender age once again it all added up in an awful way.
The same thing happened with a memory I have of witnessing my mum molesting my other older brother in front of me when I was 11 years old and he would have been 15. I repressed that memory for over 25 years. Again, snapshots at first, then the feeling of shock disgust fear and confusion. I now recall how they both acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. And that within a year of this incident occurring that brother started grooming me and our mum put us in the same hotel room on holiday after him grooming me by showing me pornography and trying to French kiss me and then his abuse of me began. Which then happened on a daily basis for the next 5 years a lot of which I disassociated from but there are stand out memories which I have flashbacks about including the first time he raped me in my school uniform when I was 14 followed a couple of months later by him and his best mate gang raping me in my bedroom at home while our mum sat downstairs in the living room watching TV and me hearing her slam the living room door shut and turning the volume up on the telly to drown out the sound of me screaming and begging them to stop and screaming for my mum to stop them as well. I don't suppose I really need to remember the rest of it that my mind has 'forgotten', only what my mind knows I need to know.
But why couldn't I have remembered these incidents before I put my kids in danger of be abused themselves by my mum? Because if I had I wouldn't have had anything to do with her and I wouldn't have let her anywhere near my babies. My God I was in so much denial. It was bad enough knowing one of my older brothers had raped and molested me throughout my teens and that his mates were also involved (there were 2 others besides his best mate) but to know my eldest brother AND our mum also sexually abused me is just too bloody much to cope with at times. Especially now I know my mum also molested my eldest kid and hit my youngest. And it's one thing knowing it but quite another thing entirely believing and accepting it as fact.
And it's yet another thing knowing that I can't do anything about any of it. Even if I got a solicitor to represent me in a civil court to go after my mum and brothers for damages on a no win no fee basis there's no guarantee I would win and they would probably get away with it because they are all so wealthy they could afford the best defence barrister their noncey money could buy. And that barrister would violate me and rip me apart on the witness stand on their behalf and use all my own mistakes against me to discredit me, mistakes I wouldn't have even made if not for the dire effects my mum and brothers collective abuse of me had on me as a person.
I really want to let this go so it doesn't destroy me anymore and so I don't take it out on myself or the wrong people anymore but right now I feel I could go out smashing heads because of my outrage at being so severely hurt like that and my kids too especially my eldest who's now returned to his grandmother a victim of her original brainwashing which was continued by social services once he went into care 19 years ago a fortnight this Sunday. And the least said about social services the better I think in light of the response I've had on my other recent posts regarding them lol.
I'm just really struggling today and I wonder what I can do to channel the energy from all this fury in a positive healthy way. Cracking up, breaking down, attempting suicide, drinking and drugging myself into a numb stupor or threatening stabbing battering and killing my poxy evil mother and siblings are not the way to go lol. I have a blinding headache and I feel so tense and wound up all this shit literally makes me feel physically ill. I've already been out for a long walk with the dog, we walked over 2 miles today and yesterday. Distraction in the form of books telly music adult colouring books etc isn't working. I cleaned the house from top to bottom the other day just to discharge some of this energy so there's no cleaning to be done now. I was thinking about strimming my back and front lawns but it's been pissing down with rain the last couple of days where I am so the grass will be wet and I don't fancy getting myself electrocuted lol. I wish I had one of those punchbags boxers use in training or a pile of old crockery I could smash into smithereens. This anger has got to go somewhere before I bloody explode or to the other extreme implode. I'm trying to find the middle way and some balance here but so far it's eluding me. Sigh.
Suggestions advice positive constructive feedback welcome. And can I please have some big hugs as well?! Lol. I surely can't be the only one here with a rotten cow of a mum like mine? At least I don't have to deal with her anymore since we went our separate ways 14 years ago. But the memories will never leave me.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47