• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Supporter My Fiancé Has Combat Ptsd And Has Left Me. Advice?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Nelson2015

Learning
This is a long one... Plz read.

I met my (ex) fiancé in high school. He graduated a year before me and joined the army. He was in the military for 2 years before he was medically discharged. He was hurt in Afghanistan. He had a wife who he says cheated on him. They divorced. Now idk what to believe.

We talked for about 8 months before he came home and we're inseparable when he did come home. We moved in together about 6 months after he came home, and we just knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. After almost 2 years on being together he asked me to marry him. Obviously we were over the moon.

After about 6 months of being enagged and lots of financial / family problems he started acting weird. The person that never wanted to be away from me was now wanting to stay at his friends house, and he was lying to do so. I obviously thought he was cheating on me, but have since decided that he just would never do that. And I truly don't think he is or was.

After about a week of being a completely different person (angry, never home, and just distant) I ended up saying wow... You are miserable aren't you. He said yes and told me that he hasn't been happy for months. He was diagnosed at clinically depressed. He has combat Ptsd with TBI. He was seeing flash backs and told me that I was his trigger. I then told him to go stay with his friend.a few days later he told me that we can't be together.

I have read up on Ptsd and just don't know what to think. First he says we are done for good. Now he says let's see what the future holds. He doesn't love me but says we may fall in love again. I just don't know what to do. Does he love me? Why did he do this to me? I didn't know what was wrong until it was too late. We still talk. It's a very civil breakup. And he knows that I will always be there for him. What should I do? What is he dealing with?

He has opened up to me slightly since we broke up, and he says the flashbacks have gone away around me, but are still there. His anger around me scares him.

He says he is getting hell, but he has been lying to me about the most random things. And now I feel that he lied before he came home to me too... Our relationship was very honest until now.

Help?
 
Glad to see that you have posted your intro! Congrats!:tup:

There is as well a strong supporter section within our board that you may wish to visit to understand more concerning PTSD from the supporter angle. However, I am not clear insofar as what you are looking for as in your request for 'help'.:hug: There are not any magic formulas to fix break-ups, sadly. Even if the acronym is a match across the board, everyone is different, you know?

But that does not diminish your journey to understand what PTSD is about and what he may be trying to explain to you. You have a good heart. You came to the right place. Glad you are here.:)
 
He doesn't love me but says we may fall in love again. I just don't know what to do. Does he love me?

I think that underneath it all, he does still love you. He is likely numb at this point and unable to feel much of anything. I do think it is a bit hurtful to tell someone that you don't love them anymore though. (Given that there are so many different types of love, even if the "in love" feelings faded, you'd more than likely still love the person if nothing had gone wrong, KWIM?)

Why did he do this to me?

I think he's quite stressed. Have you read up on the stress cup concept? It explains a lot.

What should I do? What is he dealing with?

I think that you should let him know you are here for him and that you support him. Encourage him to continue to seek out help.

However, I don't think that the lying thing is good at all. PTSD doesn't make us lie. We may lie in order to protect ourselves, but that doesn't make it acceptable. Please don't accept the lying because its part of his disorder, because he has the power to not lie to you. That is, its not one of those things we have no control over like flashbacks or an exaggerated startle response. We have the ability to choose whether to lie or not. And unfortunately, your guy is choosing to lying to you (for whatever reason).

Hopefully things will improve. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself. It is very important for a supporter to actively engage in self care. That is, don't put all of your efforts into him and his healing, because you need to take care of yourself, too.

If the lying continues, you'll have to decide if you can live with it. I suggest setting a no lying boundary with him so that he knows that it is unacceptable. He will most likely fight back. But, boundaries are VERY important for sufferers, even if we fight you the whole way on it.

I wish you the best.
 
He has acknowledged that he is thankful to me for being there for him. We are currently broken up. We no longer live together.

His tune changed from we are never getting back together to we don't know what the future holds... Maybe. I do think he still loves me but just cannot show it.

As far as the lying goes. He has lied to protect me and himself... It does not make it right. Honestly idk if he is continuing the lies (usually over stupid stuff... but recently about money). He says he isn't lying, but it's hard to believe some things bc he is so different.
 
I have read that ppl going through this feel numb and cannot access emeotions. They also push the ones they love the most the farthest away.

Am I stupid for having hope for the future?

I welcome advice from all, but would to hear from ppl that are in my fiancé's shoes.
 
Am I stupid for having hope for the future?

No, you are not stupid, not in the least. I think it is good to have hope for the future. I also think it is good for you to know where you stand on things that are unacceptable in a relationship, and also know what your needs are. Please don't forget that your needs are important, too! I don't want to paint an overly rosy picture, but I also don't want to tell you that things are hopeless. I think it would be great if you read all that you can on PTSD so that you can get a better idea of what he is dealing with and what you are up against. There is also a highly recommended book for those who are in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer, i think it is called the PTSD relationship book? (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong!)

ETA

I am a sufferer, and while I haven't ever broken off an engagement, I do know what its like to do the eternal push/pull thing.
 
Thank you for your advice.

I don't want to get too hung up on the future, and I try to take things day by day. When he told me he doesn't love me anymore he had a very glazed look on his face. I asked when he started feeling that way and he just looked me in the eye and said... I don't know.

He is a completely different person, and I hope that being there for him and being apart of his life in a non relationship way will somehow show him his feelings again... in the future... as he is healing.

As for me... I have started a new job and I hope to get a new place on my own soon. We have already talked about hanging out at my new place someday... Hopefully he isn't feeding me any bull about wanting me in his life. I have to be there for him.
 
Yes, the book will help. I have a copy. I bought a copy for a guy I was dating last year. It is quite helpful.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top